Dear Abby: sister "got religion"

[lemonsharks]

DEAR ABBY: I have a much older sister who has become very religious. Most of her life decisions are based on her faith, so conversations tend to develop into faith-oriented topics and justifications. I don’t initiate these conversations, and I make a genuine effort to understand her perspective. When I am not able to, I have mastered the “smile and nod.”

My problem is, anytime I bring a friend or date to a family function, she drags them off to the side and begins to question and discuss the importance of faith. Since religion is a widely varied and highly sensitive topic, this can sometimes be uncomfortable. I recently asked her to stop doing it, and I haven’t heard from her since. How can I explain healthy boundaries to her so we can have a respectful relationship? — YOUNGER BROTHER IN GEORGIA


DEAR YOUNGER BROTHER: If part of your sister’s religion is advancing it or converting others to her faith, you won’t be able to convince her to stop. I agree that what she’s doing can come across as obnoxious. Because you can’t control what she says or does, you may have to stop bringing friends or dates to family functions where you know she’ll be present. Otherwise, warn them in advance so they can either avoid being cornered or get away from her.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

... electrons died for that barely-an-answer. "Let your sister socially isolate you! Woot!"

[azurelunatic]

TAKE the gift of her silence.

[lemonsharks]

I don't think LW should cede his right to bring a guest to family functions where guests are welcome, but I do agree that he needs to warn them about his sister first.

Someone also needs to establish a family culture of warning every guest and newbie about Sister.

"She's going to try and drag you off to a corner and lecture you about Jesus. You don't have to go with her if you're not interested."

(I'd like to accompany him to a function because someone needs to Southern Manners at her until she shuts up, and I have both the training and inclination to do it with a punch.)

[mommy]

I mean, the advice isn't wrong. It sounds like LW's sister converted into a faith that emphasizes converting others as quickly and frequently as possible, which means that this behavior is her current default and that any attempt to get her tone it down will sound like a direct attack on her religion from her perspective. LW's options are to either continue with things as-is or to opt out of interacting with his sister.

[kellyblah]

so glad I checked, I was about to come in to post this one.

I agree that what she’s doing can come across as obnoxious.

No. No, this is obnoxious, full stop.

I am another person with so many feelings on this topic, having married into a family with an evangelical streak. There are so many mental hangups tied up with the person that "evangelises" at gatherings. It's... just... gak. ugh.

[julian]

Hey, haven't heard from her since, that's kind of a positive!

OK, not so much, he seems to want her in his life. (I mean. He doesn't *need* to...)

This "do not bring people to family functions" is not workable. Warn them in advance, and rescue at need. And make it clear it *is* a rescue, thus showing her how anti-social she's being. Which is, yes, as mommy said, picking a fight, but you sometimes need to.

[conuly]

I recently asked her to stop doing it, and I haven’t heard from her since. How can I explain healthy boundaries to her so we can have a respectful relationship?

You probably can't. Luckily, you don't need to explain boundaries to enforce them.