lemonsharks (
lemonsharks) wrote in
agonyaunt2021-07-23 05:58 pm
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Dear Abby: sister "got religion"
DEAR ABBY: I have a much older sister who has become very religious. Most of her life decisions are based on her faith, so conversations tend to develop into faith-oriented topics and justifications. I don’t initiate these conversations, and I make a genuine effort to understand her perspective. When I am not able to, I have mastered the “smile and nod.”
My problem is, anytime I bring a friend or date to a family function, she drags them off to the side and begins to question and discuss the importance of faith. Since religion is a widely varied and highly sensitive topic, this can sometimes be uncomfortable. I recently asked her to stop doing it, and I haven’t heard from her since. How can I explain healthy boundaries to her so we can have a respectful relationship? — YOUNGER BROTHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR YOUNGER BROTHER: If part of your sister’s religion is advancing it or converting others to her faith, you won’t be able to convince her to stop. I agree that what she’s doing can come across as obnoxious. Because you can’t control what she says or does, you may have to stop bringing friends or dates to family functions where you know she’ll be present. Otherwise, warn them in advance so they can either avoid being cornered or get away from her.
My problem is, anytime I bring a friend or date to a family function, she drags them off to the side and begins to question and discuss the importance of faith. Since religion is a widely varied and highly sensitive topic, this can sometimes be uncomfortable. I recently asked her to stop doing it, and I haven’t heard from her since. How can I explain healthy boundaries to her so we can have a respectful relationship? — YOUNGER BROTHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR YOUNGER BROTHER: If part of your sister’s religion is advancing it or converting others to her faith, you won’t be able to convince her to stop. I agree that what she’s doing can come across as obnoxious. Because you can’t control what she says or does, you may have to stop bringing friends or dates to family functions where you know she’ll be present. Otherwise, warn them in advance so they can either avoid being cornered or get away from her.
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I don't think LW should cede his right to bring a guest to family functions where guests are welcome, but I do agree that he needs to warn them about his sister first.
Someone also needs to establish a family culture of warning every guest and newbie about Sister.
"She's going to try and drag you off to a corner and lecture you about Jesus. You don't have to go with her if you're not interested."
(I'd like to accompany him to a function because someone needs to Southern Manners at her until she shuts up, and I have both the training and inclination to do it with a punch.)
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Sounds like a classic Missing Stair to me. I know the term is commonly (maybe almost exclusively, at this point?) applied to sexual predators and abusers, but I've seen it used in other contexts too, about any person in a social group whose behavior has to be "managed" and about whom noobs are warned.
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Yeah, warning for the missing stair is predicated on the idea that they won't be expelled from family events until/unless they stop being tools