Dear Prudence: How Dare our DIL Have Boundaries

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,

Our son married a woman who is a firm believer in boundaries. Just hers though. We were barely consulted for the wedding but expected to pull out the checkbook. They moved near her family, and we were only allowed to visit twice a year and forced to stay in a motel (she was “uncomfortable” having us in her home overnight). After their twins were born, no one in our family was allowed to visit for two months, but her family was there at the hospital. Trying to have an honest discussion is useless. Our daughter-in-law will stand up and tell us we need “to respect my family’s boundaries or you will not see us,” and leave. Our son apologizes but tells us his wife comes first. Then the silent treatment comes until they need something, usually expecting us to babysit at a moment’s notice.

Our daughter has given up on her brother. She had a small child-free wedding last year. Our daughter-in-law was “insulted” her twins were not part of the ceremony and refused to attend, even though we offered to find a babysitter. Our son declined to come at all. All this breaks our hearts. We love our grandchildren and our son, but having them dangled in front of us and dragged away hurts. The last straw was our son telling us we were calling him (and him alone) “excessively” and “we” didn’t think this was healthy. Now we are forbidden to call and must wait for when our son and daughter-in-law decide they want to. My wife and I don’t know what to do. Help.

—Not Our Boundaries

For the time being, at least, you should not call your son, since he has asked you to stop. I’d also encourage you to take this break from regular contact to reflect on some of your grievances. Having children who don’t live close by is not a personal attack. Neither is being asked to stay in a hotel during visits! You have, I think, missed several opportunities to stop taking fairly straightforward logistical decisions personally. I fear you also missed an opportunity to be gracious and understanding when your daughter-in-law gave birth to twins and postponed your first visit until she and your son had been able to develop something of a manageable parenting rhythm. I can appreciate how eager you were to meet your grandchildren, but being asked to wait two months is a reasonable request. If your daughter-in-law decided she wanted to have some of her own relatives in the hospital with her during the birth, she was well within her rights to do so, given that she was the one actually giving birth. Nor do I share your resentment about their wedding; it’s often customary (but hardly mandatory) for the parents of the bride and/or groom to contribute financially without buying themselves the right to dictate the event itself.

Your daughter-in-law’s decision to treat your daughter’s child-free wedding as a personal slight also strikes me as an unreasonable one. I can appreciate your frustration that neither she nor your son decided to attend even after you offered to help them find a babysitter. But what’s done is done on that front, and I don’t think you should use that as an excuse to start calling again when both your son and his wife have made it clear that you’ve been doing it too often and too forcefully. It will serve you better to think of your son not as a prize that someone else can “dangle in front of [you]” or drag away but as an adult who has let you know the terms upon which he’s prepared to have a relationship with you.

Comments

[conuly]

You're not supposed to ask that, you're just supposed to go with the feelings!