Care & Feeding: My Daughter’s Boyfriend Can’t Pronounce Her Name

[minoanmiss]

So instead he just calls her 'Sara'

My 21-year-old daughter is a beautiful, smart, and funny half-Black half-white young lady. She also has a very unique name that I can’t share for obvious reasons, but it’s an ethnic name from my husband’s home country. It can be a difficult name to pronounce if you’ve never seen it before, but once you’ve heard it a few times, it simply rolls off the tongue. So here’s the problem. She broke up with her longtime boyfriend and started dating a new guy last month and she really likes him, but I overheard him call my daughter “Sara.” When I confronted my daughter about it, she said that he does it because her name is too difficult for him to pronounce, so he decided to give her a nickname that starts with “S” as her real name does. Just to be clear, her real name sounds nothing like Sara, it just starts with the same letter. She doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but I’m completely outraged by this. Am I wrong? If I’m not wrong, how can I get it through to her that it’s disrespectful? Her new boyfriend is white, and I’m worried this is some sort of fetishization thing.


—Say It’s Not Sara

Dear Say It’s Not Sara,

This one hits close to home for me because I also have a difficult-to-pronounce name from my dad’s home country. The big difference is that it would be a cold day in hell before I allowed someone to call me “Doug” because it made life easier for them.

Although I have my assumptions, I’m not going to comment on whether he’s dating your daughter because of some creepy fetish; but I will certainly offer my opinion about his character. Very few things in life are more personal to humans than our names, and if her boyfriend won’t exert a ridiculously minimal amount of effort to learn your daughter’s name, it’s obvious that he doesn’t respect her.

I think it’s time to calmly sit your daughter down for an honest and serious conversation about your concerns. I would ask your daughter: If he’s unwilling to learn her name, then what makes her think he’ll love her and emotionally support her? Would she ever consider making up a name for any of her friends? What would her friends say if they found out about her boyfriend’s behavior? It is Level 10 disrespectful for him to behave this way toward her.

I would gently but firmly urge her to get on board with the idea that unless he starts calling her by her name, the relationship can’t continue. And I don’t think it’s too much for you to show your support for your daughter by letting her know that if he’s going to call her Sara, this guy is not welcome in your home. Hopefully she’ll snap out of it (show her this column if you need to), but this absolutely needs to stop.

More importantly, there must be some sort of a self-esteem issue going on here if she’s allowing this to happen in the first place. Perhaps the breakup with her longtime boyfriend made her question her worthiness, and that could be the root cause of the problem. You used a lot of accolades to describe her in your letter. Remind her of how amazing she is and that she should never settle for less than the best. Pronouncing her name correctly should be a given for anyone who decides to be in a relationship with her.

Comments

Remember how I mentioned that our identities affect our lives?

[minoanmiss]

I'm honestly not sure about this one. And I say this as a Black woman who grew up in the US, under the cloud of its biases, with a non-Western name (albeit one whose phonemes are all found in English).

but.

Absent any other indications, I don't see enough evidence that Boyfriend is only dating not-Sara due to racial fetishism, and the reason I point it out is that saying so to not-Sara may have the opposite effect from intended. Boyfriend may simply be being lazy, sexist, and racist while dating not-Sara for herself (as much as is possible under those conditions, which isn't very much, alas). Absolutely if there's any other evidence, bring it up, but when pointing out his flaws I think there's room to be careful to not add any that don't exist. And/or, to carefully investigate if there is more evidence (after all, it took the second time someone wanted me for racially fetishistic reasons for me to recognize the pattern).

The caveat takes more time to outline than the main response, though, which in my case here is: I tend to be pretty restrictive about when a parent should let themself interfere in a young adult's relationship, but I think this may be such a case. Certainly, not-Sara could use to be told, and I desperately hope she hears, that she doesn't have to be repackaged and even renamed in order to be lovable. And I would definitely recommend she call Whole Man Disposal Services.

Except that as I wrote this I suddenly wondered what not-Sara thinks of her own name. (For the record, I love mine.)

[julian]

On the one hand, fond nicknames sometimes happen, for a variety of reasons; and there can be more than *one* reason for it, too.

On the other hand, marginalized people and fetishization and *everything*

So. Sigh.

[kiezh]

If it had been the daughter writing to an advice column saying "my bf keeps nicknaming me because he thinks my name is 'too hard' and won't listen when I say I don't like it" then I'd be right on the "dump him, he doesn't respect you" train. However.

It's her name, LW. Her name, her relationship, her life. You are being way too controlling of stuff that is NOT YOURS. Maybe she likes the name Sara (maybe she likes it better than the name you're so proud of giving her, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying so), maybe she and her BF have some shit to work out, maybe they'll break up over this or other issues; regardless, none of this is your call, so butt out.

Also, am I reading this correctly? It seems like LW is white, married a Black man, and is now whitesplaining to her mixed-race daughter about fetishization and racism-based disrespect? Maybe... back off on that, LW, and listen to her about her own experiences rather than rushing to tell her how she should interpret them. (I mean, it's not explicit which parent is which race, but something about the fact that it's NOT LW's home country or ethnicity that's being disrespected, but LW is just Full of Outrage which Must Be Shared...)

ETA: the key to this whole letter is this line:
"She doesn’t think it’s a big deal, but I’m completely outraged by this."

Sure, you can be outraged by stuff your daughter's boyfriend does. But if she's not, you can't reset the rules of their relationship FOR her.

[shirou]

I first encountered the idea that mispronouncing a name was racial/racist a few years ago, and to be honest, it bowled me over. My family is Dutch, with a mix of Dutch and French names (lingering Napoleonic influence). We are all as white as mayonnaise. My branch of the family immigrated to the US. Nobody in the US can pronounce our names as we pronounce them, and we sometimes Americanize our own pronunciatiations to make ourselves understood. If a barista asks my name to write on a cup, I'll often give a false, easily recognizable name instead. I find Americans' inability to understand or pronounce my name at times annoying, frustrating, even exasperating, but also a natural and expected consequence of linguistic realities. It is not inherently disrespectful.

After personally dealing with a foreign (in the US) name my entire life, as a white person, I was shocked to learn that some people view this issue as racial. I struggle to understand how the situation would be different were I of African or other non-European descent. Americans' linguistic limitations would be the same. But I'm certainly interested to hear others' perspective on this.

Back to the letter. If LW's daughter indicated she wanted her boyfriend to learn to pronounce her name, then he would owe it to her to try. But it appears she hasn't said that. LW says her daughter is fine with the nickname, so I fail to see why it's a problem that her boyfriend uses it. My wife uses a gently Americanized version of my first name, cannot pronounce my middle name at all, and 14 years into our marriage, it hasn't been a problem yet.

[firecat]

She doesn’t think it’s a big deal

This is the key. Mom has every right to consider this a flag and keep an eye out for other flags, but it's up to daughter to decide if this is a problem.

On the one hand, many people misname me by lengthening my first name, and many people misspell my first name, even when replying to an email where my name is right in front of them. I hate those things. If an SO did either of them, they wouldn't stay an SO for long.

On the other hand, my not!spouse and I chose a mutual last name together, and we pronounce it slightly differently. I'd be very salty if either set of parents decided there was something disrespectful going on because of this.

[mirlacca]

Or, alternatively, LW can let her daughter decide how important it is for HER to be called by her name or a nickname, and it's her relationship, not LW's, and LW can butt the hell out.