I first encountered the idea that mispronouncing a name was racial/racist a few years ago, and to be honest, it bowled me over. My family is Dutch, with a mix of Dutch and French names (lingering Napoleonic influence). We are all as white as mayonnaise. My branch of the family immigrated to the US. Nobody in the US can pronounce our names as we pronounce them, and we sometimes Americanize our own pronunciatiations to make ourselves understood. If a barista asks my name to write on a cup, I'll often give a false, easily recognizable name instead. I find Americans' inability to understand or pronounce my name at times annoying, frustrating, even exasperating, but also a natural and expected consequence of linguistic realities. It is not inherently disrespectful.

After personally dealing with a foreign (in the US) name my entire life, as a white person, I was shocked to learn that some people view this issue as racial. I struggle to understand how the situation would be different were I of African or other non-European descent. Americans' linguistic limitations would be the same. But I'm certainly interested to hear others' perspective on this.

Back to the letter. If LW's daughter indicated she wanted her boyfriend to learn to pronounce her name, then he would owe it to her to try. But it appears she hasn't said that. LW says her daughter is fine with the nickname, so I fail to see why it's a problem that her boyfriend uses it. My wife uses a gently Americanized version of my first name, cannot pronounce my middle name at all, and 14 years into our marriage, it hasn't been a problem yet.