agonyaunt | (no subject)

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Dear Annie: The holidays are here and gifts are arriving. Once again, we're getting boxes of chocolates, tins of mixed nuts, gourmet cheeses, fancy cookies and pastries. My husband and I eat a healthy diet, get regular exercise and are allergic to nuts and dairy. We've explained to people that these foods make us extremely sick and can even be life-threatening but still the same gifts come year after year. Their attitude seems to be: "Hey, it's Christmas, for Pete's sake. Lighten up and just enjoy. A little won't hurt you." So, I write a note, thanking them for thinking of us and wishing them a happy holiday, and then donate everything to the local food bank and homeless shelter. If you or your readers have suggestions on other ways to handle this, we would appreciate hearing them. -- You Really Shouldn't Have

Dear You Really Shouldn't Have: Sorry to disappoint, but I have no real advice here. You're already doing exactly what I'd suggest. As frustrating as these types of gifts might be for you and your husband, remember that there are many people who would be happy to receive any gifts at all.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2456668

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Dear LW: These people are trying to kill you. It's okay to stop sending them thank you notes. And no, you don't need to remember that some people don't get gifts at all, that's some bullshit.

For starters, would Annie have given this advice to a recovering alcoholic who people kept giving bottles of wine etc after being repeatedly asked not to?

Let's write in and ask!

I mean, you might *once* send people a link to your preferred/safe holiday food shop so if they absolutely insist on send you food, they can send you food from a shop that doesn't have cross-contamination issues that could kill you. But afterwards, donating the unwanted/unsafe food whereever you want and not sending thank you notes is completely acceptable practice.

I also donate any gifts with nuts to my local food bank since there has to be someone out there who will enjoy these things. Some people just don't think before they buy, and we're left with inedible things that have to go somewhere. I'm honestly more concerned with their reply to your reminder. Eating something you're allergic to can be very dangerous!

Nope, sorry, life-threatening gifts are not something you are obliged to accept at all. Announce before the holiday season that because of your life-threatening allergies, you can no longer accept *any* food gifts because of the risk. Emphasize that while you appreciate the sentiment, ask that they please donate to the food bank or homeless shelter in your name instead.

If they insist on giving these gifts, *return them ASAP* with a polite reminder about your life-threatening allergies and request to donate in lieu. And do it until the gift-givers take the hint. No, this is not a polite solution, but this attitude of "but a little won't hurt you!" needs to stop. Because the next step may be that they start adding nuts or dairy secretly to your food.

I get a funny vibe from this one. It's odd to me that she references healthy eating and exercise first before the allergies. It's also pretty unusual to be allergic to all forms of nuts (my son has allergies so I have talked about it a fair amount with doctors) and it seems like a big coincidence for both of them to have the same allergies.

There definitely are people who pretend to have allergies and I am sceptical here, I admit.

Doesn't change the fact it's poor form for people to be sending these gifts though

There definitely are people who pretend to have allergies and I am sceptical here, I admit.

Indeed, but I've spent several years trying to hammer in the point that the existence of liars doesn't make it okay to assume that all people who say that they have allergies are lying.

People mostly lie because "I don't want to eat that" isn't taken seriously unless they do.

I get the funny vibe from LW too. But when it comes down to food allergies, if someone says they have one, I give them the benefit of the doubt.

My oldest has severe celiac disease. A gluten reaction is debilitating and it takes weeks to recover. Celiac is auto-immune, not an allergy, but we will call it a "wheat allergy" at a restaurant because most restaurants at least take allergies seriously. They don't always take "I need gluten-free" seriously.

"I get a funny vibe from this one. It's odd to me that she references healthy eating and exercise first before the allergies."

I had the exact same reaction. If you're given food to which you have allergies, you'd say that first. The order you'd expect someone to complain would be (1) medical and religious restrictions, (2) other ethical restrictions, (3) preferences.

I didn't read it as fake allergies so much as "we're mildly lactose intolerant in the way most non-Europeans are."

I don't know if it's poor form. Are these people who have written to their friends to say "oh, thanks so much, though I have to ask you not to send us cookies with stealth nut extract -- smelling them almost sent Gerald to the emergency room." Or did they write to their friends to say "Goodness! I cannot believe you included us on your list of people who got a basket of pecans and clementines and *shudder* pastries again. Why, that might be acceptable for all your lazy fatty friends, but Gerald and I eat a healthy diet and get regular exercise, and we're insulted by this gift."

(They actually seem like they said neither of the above; I don't trust the order of complaints but "write a thank you note while donating" is perfectly polite. Hyperbole for effect.)

I think "eat a healthy diet" was a reference to being sent cookies. My partner and I both have dairy sensitivities; it's pretty common!

But why mention exercise at all?

Allergies to all forms of nuts plus dairy seem like a big coincidence for them both to have.

My son has cows milk protein allergy and I understand it to be pretty unusual in adults - dairy sensitivity, sure, but the LW says allergy.

People often say "allergy" when they mean "intolerance", even if they ought to know better. It doesn't mean they're liars. It means they're using non-technical language.

They didn't say they are allergic to every form of nut, simply that they're allergic to nuts - it's entirely possible that they mean that they're allergic to one or more varieties of nut that you'll find in a tin of mixed nuts, and anyway it's pretty impossible to get already-shelled and roasted nuts without cross-contamination from those other nuts that you can't eat. Why risk it?

I'll note that they don't actually say that both they and their partner are BOTH allergic to nuts AND milk - just that, as a couple, they have this mixed set of allergies. However, even if they are both allergic to both sorts of things... milk and nuts are two of the most common allergens in America. 1% of the population has an allergy to nuts. Milk allergy is less common in adults than in children, but if you add the percentage of adults who are allergic to milk to the percentage who are simply lactose intolerant, you're getting a hefty chunk of the population.

It's really not that rare for two people to meet who happen to both have the same allergy.

And for all we know they bonded over their shared allergies. Maybe they even met in a support group for people with nut allergies or something.

Eh, I'm willing to trust people to describe their own health issues. Sometimes we shorthand—my partner says "Can't have dairy, can't have gluten, can't have spicy things" to restaurant waiters because that's simpler than explaining the nuances of their physical and psychological reactions. Plenty of people say "allergy" when they don't have a literal allergy because if you say "sensitivity" you aren't believed or taken seriously.

What matters to me in this letter, much more than how they phrase it, is that there are things they can't, won't, or don't eat, they've asked not to receive those things as gifts, and they receive them anyway. That's not okay no matter what word they put on the reason for can't-won't-don't.

Yeah, it gave the whole thing a weird judgemental vibe.

It's also pretty unusual to be allergic to all forms of nuts (my son has allergies so I have talked about it a fair amount with doctors) and it seems like a big coincidence for both of them to have the same allergies.

There are lots of food intolerances other than Anaphylaxis-allergies, though, and people often refer to them as allergies because it is the only way to get other people to take them seriously.

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome is one

and also nuts can be major migraine triggers.

While I share the slight skepticism about the LW's 'allergies', I just do not understand why anyone would send someone a gift they have asked specifically not to get. I LOVE sending people food. When people tell me they are allergic to/avoiding specific foods I don't send it to them. Many people I adore have extensive enough allergies and other restrictions that I just don't send them food at all. I may have a silent eyebrow raise for LW but I have a loud WTF for these gift-givers.

Who are these gifts from?
If they're from close friends and family I'm totally judging them as hostile gift givers.

If they're from co-workers, neighbours, loose acquaintances, kids carpool buddy parents, etc then I think LW needs to lighten up and recognize that food is often a default "I don't know these people well" gift and get over it.
What they do with the gift (thank the giver, and donate it elsewhere) is entirely the correct action.

Not even getting into the real/fake allergy vibe - I mean I do get fake allergy vibe but I also think LW and her husband don't have to pretend to enjoy food they consider "junk" food if they don't want to (even if I personally find the way LW phrased it as food shame-y and sanctimonious). But I also think expecting someone who they are't close with who bought 20 boxes of chocolate to give out to their loose connections to keep track of them enough to them something unique isn't necessarily realistic either.

On the other hand if these gifts are from parents or siblings or BFFs the gift givers are being deliberately hostile.

I think LW needs to lighten up and recognize that food is often a default "I don't know these people well" gift and get over it.

Is it? Because I've maintained for years that competing dietary restrictions means you must never, ever get food for anybody unless you know for a fact that it's something they can eat. If it is a default then I think we all need to collectively push back on that and make literally anything else be the default instead.

I think it definitely is a default. Whether it should be is quite another question.

As someone who often has gotten gifts of food I end up regifting (one allergy, many food aversions) I don't disagree that it would be awesome to have a more default that isn't food or alcohol. But that doesn't change the fact that currently it is. My previous job we tended to do gift cards for the local coffee shop which I liked better (yes it was still kinda food but it was also more flexible and also still regiftable)

I think of it as being like the blue pumpkins for Hallowe'en. It's awesome to spread their use and for growing numbers of people to actively signal that they offer non-food treats for trick or treaters, but that doesn't change the fact that the default treat in a house not signalling otherwise with pumpkin use is likely to be chips or candy.

Edited (incomplete thought to sentence construction) 2020-12-24 21:50 (UTC)

Do you have any suggestions for an alternative default?

Because I agree- it's one thing of your mom gives you food you can't eat, it's another thing if it's someone who sends the same mail-order gift basket to forty people.

I've tried to come up with alternatives for the gift-for-extended-list but there really isn't any obvious other choice
- drink has the same issues as food, plus some
- flowers/plants have allergy issues and aren't often pet safe
- pretty much all charity donations are going to have some kind of political subtext
- gift cards etc can be okay but it's hard to find a place that will be both accessible and appealing to everyone (I have regifted more gift cards than anything else, between not being a coffee person, not using itunes/amazon, and sometimes having transit limitations)
- cash/checks/etc. are risky to ship and don't feel like a real gift to some people
- all clothing has sizing and gender issues
- Stuff like scented candles and bath supplies have gender and allergy issues
- other physical tchotchkes are often unnecessarily gendered as well, plus they accumulate where food is at least disposable, and while they're less likely to kill you, they are more likely to be utterly unwanted - you can only get so many completely generic mugs a year before you start using them for target practice. (I have noticed an uptick in mug gifts, so people may be increasingly defaulting to this.)

I mean, the obvious answer is "a nice card", but some circles absolutely don't think a card is enough, even for the outer ring. At least the existing default just reads as "they sent the default" and is easy to pass on.

Don't give gifts for people if you don't know them well enough to buy them something they'll like, destroy the "default gift" idea entirely. For group things like the office party, the boss can give everybody cash and people can sign up for an optional secret-santa sort of thing where they give their wants and can't haves on the sign-up.

Alternatively, call them up, ask what they want, destroy the "default gift" idea entirely.

As for charity, if you're going that route, almost everybody agrees with a monetary donation to the local food bank.

You can still get non-hostile friends and family who consistently forget about your allergies. I have a mild allergy to walnuts, and I'm supposed to avoid tree nuts in general because of it. My mother is on a perpetual low-carb diet and her food gifts tend to reflect it, and so every few months I have to remind her that I can't eat her almond-crust pizzas or her pecan cookies. She has no allergies of her own, so she just forgets that other people's food restrictions exist.

True, my mom also keeps forgetting that Icant eat store-bought hummus
(I have to make it without the tahini).

As frustrating as these types of gifts might be for you and your husband, remember that there are many people who would be happy to receive any gifts at all.

God, I hate Annie’s answers. This sentence is so, “But there’s starving children in China.”

I do agree that the couple are doing fine with their response. Although if their gifters are truly obnoxious/obtuse about their food sensitivities, I’d word my thank you card as, “Thank you for thinking of us. The nuts/cheese/X would make me sick/send Chris to the emergency room, but the food bank appreciates the donation.”

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