agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: The holidays are here and gifts are arriving. Once again, we're getting boxes of chocolates, tins of mixed nuts, gourmet cheeses, fancy cookies and pastries. My husband and I eat a healthy diet, get regular exercise and are allergic to nuts and dairy. We've explained to people that these foods make us extremely sick and can even be life-threatening but still the same gifts come year after year. Their attitude seems to be: "Hey, it's Christmas, for Pete's sake. Lighten up and just enjoy. A little won't hurt you." So, I write a note, thanking them for thinking of us and wishing them a happy holiday, and then donate everything to the local food bank and homeless shelter. If you or your readers have suggestions on other ways to handle this, we would appreciate hearing them. -- You Really Shouldn't Have

Dear You Really Shouldn't Have: Sorry to disappoint, but I have no real advice here. You're already doing exactly what I'd suggest. As frustrating as these types of gifts might be for you and your husband, remember that there are many people who would be happy to receive any gifts at all.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2456668

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I get a funny vibe from this one. It's odd to me that she references healthy eating and exercise first before the allergies. It's also pretty unusual to be allergic to all forms of nuts (my son has allergies so I have talked about it a fair amount with doctors) and it seems like a big coincidence for both of them to have the same allergies.

There definitely are people who pretend to have allergies and I am sceptical here, I admit.

Doesn't change the fact it's poor form for people to be sending these gifts though

There definitely are people who pretend to have allergies and I am sceptical here, I admit.

Indeed, but I've spent several years trying to hammer in the point that the existence of liars doesn't make it okay to assume that all people who say that they have allergies are lying.

People mostly lie because "I don't want to eat that" isn't taken seriously unless they do.

I get the funny vibe from LW too. But when it comes down to food allergies, if someone says they have one, I give them the benefit of the doubt.

My oldest has severe celiac disease. A gluten reaction is debilitating and it takes weeks to recover. Celiac is auto-immune, not an allergy, but we will call it a "wheat allergy" at a restaurant because most restaurants at least take allergies seriously. They don't always take "I need gluten-free" seriously.

"I get a funny vibe from this one. It's odd to me that she references healthy eating and exercise first before the allergies."

I had the exact same reaction. If you're given food to which you have allergies, you'd say that first. The order you'd expect someone to complain would be (1) medical and religious restrictions, (2) other ethical restrictions, (3) preferences.

I didn't read it as fake allergies so much as "we're mildly lactose intolerant in the way most non-Europeans are."

I don't know if it's poor form. Are these people who have written to their friends to say "oh, thanks so much, though I have to ask you not to send us cookies with stealth nut extract -- smelling them almost sent Gerald to the emergency room." Or did they write to their friends to say "Goodness! I cannot believe you included us on your list of people who got a basket of pecans and clementines and *shudder* pastries again. Why, that might be acceptable for all your lazy fatty friends, but Gerald and I eat a healthy diet and get regular exercise, and we're insulted by this gift."

(They actually seem like they said neither of the above; I don't trust the order of complaints but "write a thank you note while donating" is perfectly polite. Hyperbole for effect.)

I think "eat a healthy diet" was a reference to being sent cookies. My partner and I both have dairy sensitivities; it's pretty common!

But why mention exercise at all?

Allergies to all forms of nuts plus dairy seem like a big coincidence for them both to have.

My son has cows milk protein allergy and I understand it to be pretty unusual in adults - dairy sensitivity, sure, but the LW says allergy.

People often say "allergy" when they mean "intolerance", even if they ought to know better. It doesn't mean they're liars. It means they're using non-technical language.

They didn't say they are allergic to every form of nut, simply that they're allergic to nuts - it's entirely possible that they mean that they're allergic to one or more varieties of nut that you'll find in a tin of mixed nuts, and anyway it's pretty impossible to get already-shelled and roasted nuts without cross-contamination from those other nuts that you can't eat. Why risk it?

I'll note that they don't actually say that both they and their partner are BOTH allergic to nuts AND milk - just that, as a couple, they have this mixed set of allergies. However, even if they are both allergic to both sorts of things... milk and nuts are two of the most common allergens in America. 1% of the population has an allergy to nuts. Milk allergy is less common in adults than in children, but if you add the percentage of adults who are allergic to milk to the percentage who are simply lactose intolerant, you're getting a hefty chunk of the population.

It's really not that rare for two people to meet who happen to both have the same allergy.

And for all we know they bonded over their shared allergies. Maybe they even met in a support group for people with nut allergies or something.

Eh, I'm willing to trust people to describe their own health issues. Sometimes we shorthand—my partner says "Can't have dairy, can't have gluten, can't have spicy things" to restaurant waiters because that's simpler than explaining the nuances of their physical and psychological reactions. Plenty of people say "allergy" when they don't have a literal allergy because if you say "sensitivity" you aren't believed or taken seriously.

What matters to me in this letter, much more than how they phrase it, is that there are things they can't, won't, or don't eat, they've asked not to receive those things as gifts, and they receive them anyway. That's not okay no matter what word they put on the reason for can't-won't-don't.

Yeah, it gave the whole thing a weird judgemental vibe.

It's also pretty unusual to be allergic to all forms of nuts (my son has allergies so I have talked about it a fair amount with doctors) and it seems like a big coincidence for both of them to have the same allergies.

There are lots of food intolerances other than Anaphylaxis-allergies, though, and people often refer to them as allergies because it is the only way to get other people to take them seriously.

Mast Cell Activation Syndrome is one

and also nuts can be major migraine triggers.