agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: The holidays are here and gifts are arriving. Once again, we're getting boxes of chocolates, tins of mixed nuts, gourmet cheeses, fancy cookies and pastries. My husband and I eat a healthy diet, get regular exercise and are allergic to nuts and dairy. We've explained to people that these foods make us extremely sick and can even be life-threatening but still the same gifts come year after year. Their attitude seems to be: "Hey, it's Christmas, for Pete's sake. Lighten up and just enjoy. A little won't hurt you." So, I write a note, thanking them for thinking of us and wishing them a happy holiday, and then donate everything to the local food bank and homeless shelter. If you or your readers have suggestions on other ways to handle this, we would appreciate hearing them. -- You Really Shouldn't Have

Dear You Really Shouldn't Have: Sorry to disappoint, but I have no real advice here. You're already doing exactly what I'd suggest. As frustrating as these types of gifts might be for you and your husband, remember that there are many people who would be happy to receive any gifts at all.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2456668

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But why mention exercise at all?

Allergies to all forms of nuts plus dairy seem like a big coincidence for them both to have.

My son has cows milk protein allergy and I understand it to be pretty unusual in adults - dairy sensitivity, sure, but the LW says allergy.

People often say "allergy" when they mean "intolerance", even if they ought to know better. It doesn't mean they're liars. It means they're using non-technical language.

They didn't say they are allergic to every form of nut, simply that they're allergic to nuts - it's entirely possible that they mean that they're allergic to one or more varieties of nut that you'll find in a tin of mixed nuts, and anyway it's pretty impossible to get already-shelled and roasted nuts without cross-contamination from those other nuts that you can't eat. Why risk it?

I'll note that they don't actually say that both they and their partner are BOTH allergic to nuts AND milk - just that, as a couple, they have this mixed set of allergies. However, even if they are both allergic to both sorts of things... milk and nuts are two of the most common allergens in America. 1% of the population has an allergy to nuts. Milk allergy is less common in adults than in children, but if you add the percentage of adults who are allergic to milk to the percentage who are simply lactose intolerant, you're getting a hefty chunk of the population.

It's really not that rare for two people to meet who happen to both have the same allergy.

And for all we know they bonded over their shared allergies. Maybe they even met in a support group for people with nut allergies or something.

Eh, I'm willing to trust people to describe their own health issues. Sometimes we shorthand—my partner says "Can't have dairy, can't have gluten, can't have spicy things" to restaurant waiters because that's simpler than explaining the nuances of their physical and psychological reactions. Plenty of people say "allergy" when they don't have a literal allergy because if you say "sensitivity" you aren't believed or taken seriously.

What matters to me in this letter, much more than how they phrase it, is that there are things they can't, won't, or don't eat, they've asked not to receive those things as gifts, and they receive them anyway. That's not okay no matter what word they put on the reason for can't-won't-don't.