agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: The holidays are here and gifts are arriving. Once again, we're getting boxes of chocolates, tins of mixed nuts, gourmet cheeses, fancy cookies and pastries. My husband and I eat a healthy diet, get regular exercise and are allergic to nuts and dairy. We've explained to people that these foods make us extremely sick and can even be life-threatening but still the same gifts come year after year. Their attitude seems to be: "Hey, it's Christmas, for Pete's sake. Lighten up and just enjoy. A little won't hurt you." So, I write a note, thanking them for thinking of us and wishing them a happy holiday, and then donate everything to the local food bank and homeless shelter. If you or your readers have suggestions on other ways to handle this, we would appreciate hearing them. -- You Really Shouldn't Have

Dear You Really Shouldn't Have: Sorry to disappoint, but I have no real advice here. You're already doing exactly what I'd suggest. As frustrating as these types of gifts might be for you and your husband, remember that there are many people who would be happy to receive any gifts at all.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2456668

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Who are these gifts from?
If they're from close friends and family I'm totally judging them as hostile gift givers.

If they're from co-workers, neighbours, loose acquaintances, kids carpool buddy parents, etc then I think LW needs to lighten up and recognize that food is often a default "I don't know these people well" gift and get over it.
What they do with the gift (thank the giver, and donate it elsewhere) is entirely the correct action.

Not even getting into the real/fake allergy vibe - I mean I do get fake allergy vibe but I also think LW and her husband don't have to pretend to enjoy food they consider "junk" food if they don't want to (even if I personally find the way LW phrased it as food shame-y and sanctimonious). But I also think expecting someone who they are't close with who bought 20 boxes of chocolate to give out to their loose connections to keep track of them enough to them something unique isn't necessarily realistic either.

On the other hand if these gifts are from parents or siblings or BFFs the gift givers are being deliberately hostile.

I think LW needs to lighten up and recognize that food is often a default "I don't know these people well" gift and get over it.

Is it? Because I've maintained for years that competing dietary restrictions means you must never, ever get food for anybody unless you know for a fact that it's something they can eat. If it is a default then I think we all need to collectively push back on that and make literally anything else be the default instead.

I think it definitely is a default. Whether it should be is quite another question.

As someone who often has gotten gifts of food I end up regifting (one allergy, many food aversions) I don't disagree that it would be awesome to have a more default that isn't food or alcohol. But that doesn't change the fact that currently it is. My previous job we tended to do gift cards for the local coffee shop which I liked better (yes it was still kinda food but it was also more flexible and also still regiftable)

I think of it as being like the blue pumpkins for Hallowe'en. It's awesome to spread their use and for growing numbers of people to actively signal that they offer non-food treats for trick or treaters, but that doesn't change the fact that the default treat in a house not signalling otherwise with pumpkin use is likely to be chips or candy.

Edited (incomplete thought to sentence construction) 2020-12-24 21:50 (UTC)

Do you have any suggestions for an alternative default?

Because I agree- it's one thing of your mom gives you food you can't eat, it's another thing if it's someone who sends the same mail-order gift basket to forty people.

I've tried to come up with alternatives for the gift-for-extended-list but there really isn't any obvious other choice
- drink has the same issues as food, plus some
- flowers/plants have allergy issues and aren't often pet safe
- pretty much all charity donations are going to have some kind of political subtext
- gift cards etc can be okay but it's hard to find a place that will be both accessible and appealing to everyone (I have regifted more gift cards than anything else, between not being a coffee person, not using itunes/amazon, and sometimes having transit limitations)
- cash/checks/etc. are risky to ship and don't feel like a real gift to some people
- all clothing has sizing and gender issues
- Stuff like scented candles and bath supplies have gender and allergy issues
- other physical tchotchkes are often unnecessarily gendered as well, plus they accumulate where food is at least disposable, and while they're less likely to kill you, they are more likely to be utterly unwanted - you can only get so many completely generic mugs a year before you start using them for target practice. (I have noticed an uptick in mug gifts, so people may be increasingly defaulting to this.)

I mean, the obvious answer is "a nice card", but some circles absolutely don't think a card is enough, even for the outer ring. At least the existing default just reads as "they sent the default" and is easy to pass on.

Don't give gifts for people if you don't know them well enough to buy them something they'll like, destroy the "default gift" idea entirely. For group things like the office party, the boss can give everybody cash and people can sign up for an optional secret-santa sort of thing where they give their wants and can't haves on the sign-up.

Alternatively, call them up, ask what they want, destroy the "default gift" idea entirely.

As for charity, if you're going that route, almost everybody agrees with a monetary donation to the local food bank.

You can still get non-hostile friends and family who consistently forget about your allergies. I have a mild allergy to walnuts, and I'm supposed to avoid tree nuts in general because of it. My mother is on a perpetual low-carb diet and her food gifts tend to reflect it, and so every few months I have to remind her that I can't eat her almond-crust pizzas or her pecan cookies. She has no allergies of her own, so she just forgets that other people's food restrictions exist.

True, my mom also keeps forgetting that Icant eat store-bought hummus
(I have to make it without the tahini).