mother of the groom's best friend doesn't want to take off work and travel to wedding

[cimorene]

Dear Eric: My best friend of more than 35 years is waffling over attending my son's wedding. Her excuses for not coming are an as-yet-unplanned hiking trip in Europe (it would be her fourth in less than two years), and work, which she can easily get out of. This is my only child that will ever get married, and the wedding is in her former hometown where she still has family and friends. It's one easy flight. This friend stays with us three to four times a year for several weeks when she has work in town. My husband and I were allowed to invite four couples. Even my siblings aren't invited!

I'm incredibly hurt that she's even considering not coming. To me this has already caused a shift in my feelings toward her. I haven't spoken to her about it yet but intend to. Are my feelings unreasonable?

– Mother of the Groom Gloom

Dear Mother: Your feelings are completely reasonable. This is a special occasion, and a rare one at that, and it’s reasonable that you want someone who means a lot to be present. Talk to her about it, starting with “I” statements. “I felt hurt when you said you weren’t sure about coming to the wedding. It would really mean a lot to have you there. Can you help me understand what’s going on?” Maybe she doesn’t realize how much this means to you. Maybe she doesn’t like weddings. Maybe there’s more to the European hiking trip. She may not change her mind, but that’s not the point of talking to her. The point is to prevent your feelings from staying bottled up and turning into resentment.

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Comments

[cimorene]

Wow, it's so sad that this friend doesn't realize what an important milestone a wedding is for a groom's mother and how much she needs the support of the people she loves around her.

What kind of monster could desert her oldest friend at a celebration of that friend's adult child, who is barely mentioned and apparently barely thought of in his mother's melodrama about his wedding, and who only allowed his parents to dictate a measly eight of his guests?

[fox]

Dear Mother of the Groom Gloom:

Yes.

[minoanmiss]

So I read the title and thought, "Why is this a big deal? Why do we care?"

Ive read the letter and response. I still don't understand.

[green_grrl]

How close, exactly, are friend and son? Really?

[mildred_of_midgard]

Raise your hand if you would rather take 4 hiking trips in Europe in 2 years than spend one more moment with this woman than you had to.

[green_grrl]

✋ (especially in full “my baby is getting married” meltdown mode)

[conuly]

It is wild to me the sort of things people want to expend emotional energy on.

[castiron]

The only people who have to be at my kid's wedding are my kid and their partner. I'm optional, let alone any of my friends however close.