Help! I Broke a Solemn Promise to My Husband in a Crisis. The Guilt Is Eating Me Alive.

[minoanmiss]

My husband is from a traditional culture. Women and men have separate roles and men support the family, or it’s a huge source of shame. I kept distance from his parents because I saw the ways they ran roughshod all over his siblings’ marriages with these values. When we got engaged, we promised each other at his request to keep his family from meddling in our marriage. We moved three hours away to help with this and for a long time, it was great.

In 2020, he was a COVID layoff. My job had a pay cut, but I was still working full time while managing remote school for our three kids. He wasn’t working, wasn’t parenting, was just there. By late 2021, the job market for his field was the hottest it’s ever been. He was barely applying and said he wasn’t ready to work again. We were broke, and he still refused to get any type of health screening. I felt trapped. I consulted a divorce attorney, who told me my chances for a fair split with child support were DOA if he wasn’t working. So I quietly worked the family grapevine to make sure his parents knew he was unemployed, turning down job offers, and that I was worried about supporting our kids on my income alone.

They were instantly on him. I felt so guilty but so relieved: They drove out to our place for a surprise visit where his dad lit into him about work. He told him to either take the job or come work for his oldest brother. His mom brought lots of food and lots of passive aggression. He took the job, and after he started, he got a depression screening. The combination of a work routine, therapy, and low dose SSRIs brought him back as a loving husband and involved dad. But I know he’s still working to shore up boundaries with his parents who took the incident as a reason to be in his business constantly. I feel so guilty for breaking his trust, but it saved our marriage. How do I live with this?

—Broken Promise Wife

Dear Broken Promise,

Honey, let go of that guilt. You say the promise you made was about keeping his parents and their values out of your marriage. That’s fair, but what happened here was that your husband was experiencing a mental health episode, your attempts to get through to him weren’t working, and your family was in crisis. So you tried something that you thought might help, and it did. Your husband’s health, and the stability of your family, are worth the time and work it will take to set boundaries with his parents again. Be sure to support him in that endeavor.

Comments

[likeaduck]

Does he know the whole story, what you did, and why you did it? If not, tell him.

Does he feel like he is doing better? Or does he still feel just as lost and is pushing through it now to show up and put on a brave face? Is there space for him to talk about the ways he may still be struggling? If you don't know, ask him.

Did the breach of trust harm your openness and intimacy and ability to share with each other?

You stopped working as a team with him because he'd stopped working as a team with you, but working as a team isn't just about doing the things you've said, it's about keeping on talking about your needs and your feelings and keeping on shoping up for each other. Maybe you're doing this! But if you're not, talk about it--how abandoned you felt, how desperate you were, how relieved you feel now, and also, how you want to work together going forward, how you are still available to hear and support your partner.