How To Do It: Is This What Men Are Like Now?

[minoanmiss]

I, a 29-year-old woman, recently dated a nice guy my age for about two months before sleeping with him—or trying to. He engaged in exactly zero foreplay and my vagina rejected him as a result. He seemed confused by me asking for foreplay to prepare for penetration! The complete lack of consideration (or maybe knowledge?) turned me off so I left, and texted him the next day to let him know this wasn’t going to work. This encounter, however, leaves me with a couple of dilemmas.

I’m someone who’s not comfortable sleeping with someone I don’t know well for multiple reasons but I also don’t want to waste two months on someone before finding out they don’t know what a clitoris is or what to do with one. For context, I was in a long-term relationship for basically the entirety of my 20s and this was my first sexual encounter outside of that. Is this what I should expect? Is this normal? Are my expectations too high? Do I just need to get comfortable enough to bang on the first date? Do I have to teach men how vaginas work?

—Left High and Dry

Dear Left High and Dry,

You had one particularly awful experience. It is unlikely, though of course possible, that the next person you date will be that utterly inept.

Given that you were in a long relationship for most of the past decade, you probably worked out how to communicate with that exact partner but didn’t learn how to easily communicate with people you don’t know well. That’s something that you learn over time with practice. But you can set yourself up for success by thinking back on what you enjoy, considering how you might be comfortable phrasing that information, and practicing saying it out loud in the mirror at home.

You also might, during those several weeks of getting to know a person, broach a discussion or two about sex. Ask what they enjoy. Ask what sex looks like to them. Ask about the importance of foreplay. What they have to say can tell you a lot. But no, your standards are not too high and you do not need to get comfortable with having sex on the first date.

Comments

somewhat TMI comment

[minoanmiss]

Recently I was reading an article about vaginismus, and the medical provider who wrote it noted that one treatment was making sure the woman was relaxed and invested in proceedings, ideally by an orgasm or three before penetration. Apparently a significant proportion of the male partners involved were surprised, even shocked, by this concept, which in turn shocked me. In at least one way I've been pretty fortunate with my partners, I guess.

Re: somewhat TMI comment

[harpers_child]

I once phrased it as "there is a cover charge if you want to get into the door". Never had any problems with getting the cover charge once I communicated, but also have been very picky on who gets to approach the bouncer. (I think this metaphor has gotten away from me.)

Re: somewhat TMI comment

[minoanmiss]

giggle giggle giggle

Re: somewhat TMI comment

[ashbet]

This is also my philosophy, and I am fortunate that I have largely had no issues with partners disregarding it!!

Re: somewhat TMI comment

[conuly]

FFS.

[mrissa]

What's with the people who date one or two people and generalize, though? That's very odd to me. Like, if he didn't like cats, I don't think she'd say, "IS THIS WHAT MEN ARE LIKE NOW?" because...some men like cats, some men don't like cats, people of other genders also have varying attitudes toward cats? right? yes? It's not like we each get a gender memo that says that on Wednesdays we wear pink and foreplay is off the table.

[likeaduck]

Sure but a) people talk about whether they like cats in many contexts where talking about the actual sex acts they engage in regularly would be less socially appropriate, and b) I think the guy's bafflement at the idea of foreplay is enough to make one wonder if a lack of it is normalised. It's not like a guy who didn't like cats would also be likely to react with bafflement that anyone else would.