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A few letters involving very small children (and one pregnancy)
1. Dear Eric: My daughter-in-law wants a much closer relationship with me than I feel comfortable with. She began calling me “mom” when she and my son first got engaged. I’ve told her several times that I would prefer to be called by my first name, but she still calls me mom.
A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.
Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.
– Overwhelmed by Affection
Dear Affection: She’s eager and probably struggling to figure you out, but it’s time to say night-night to some of these widdle habits.
Coming into your house unannounced with a key she wasn’t given isn’t a whoopsie daisy. She’s an adult and can understand that ignoring boundaries isn’t a sign of love.
In a calm moment, talk to her about respect. Explain that you love her and want to build a relationship with her, but when she does these things, it feels disrespectful to you.
If she interprets your boundaries as slights against her or jokes, that’s a red flag. It’s manipulative.
She may not have had good models for this kind of relationship (unclear what’s going on with her own mom), but if she’s not open to hearing you, you can’t build something healthy. Ask your son for insight but frame your talk around what you want your relationship to be, not what you have problems with.
Forcing yourself to go to appointments will only create more resentment. So, decline. “I don’t think that works for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As to the baby talk texts … oh my goo-goo-gah-gah; I can’t believe I’m going to write this … ignore it for now. You can’t win them all.
Link 1
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2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband has been sharp-edged as long as I have known him, and I have known him for nearly 40 years.
Our son learned at a young age that his father is not the easiest guy to put up with, but also that underneath it all, he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound.
My daughter-in-law grew up in what couldn’t be a more different family. Her parents are quiet, soft-spoken, and the sort who, even with a family of six kids, apparently never yelled or lost their temper. (Although I find that hard to believe!)
The last time we all got together, her family and ours, my husband made a comment about how soft our son and daughter-in-law were being on their toddler. She has no limits, and I agree she gets away with many things our kids never would have so much as tried.
My daughter-in-law got very offended, and she and my husband got into a row about how children should be raised. He basically told her she was doing it all wrong, that children need limits and discipline, and she called him a nasty old man who terrorized his own son when he was growing up.
I tried to make some sort of peace, but the visit ended with us leaving their house and my daughter-in-law saying we were not to be anywhere near her daughter because she was afraid my husband would yell at her or worse if she did anything any normal toddler would do.
I know my husband would never hurt his granddaughter, and I have been her most regular babysitter. Now I am barred from doing what I love in caring for her and what I know gave our son and his wife a break they, like any young parents, require.
Do you think it is fair that I am being punished because my husband spoke his mind? --- I DID NOTHING WRONG
DEAR I DID NOTHING WRONG: You mentioned your daughter-in-law’s reaction to your husband’s comment, but not how your son responded.
While you believe he long ago figured his father has a soft interior wrapped up in a rough exterior, your daughter-in-law’s statement makes me think it’s possible your son doesn’t see your husband in the same light as you do, and therefore shares his wife’s opinion.
I think you, your son, and daughter-in-law need to have an open discussion about the ban on your babysitting. It might not change anyone’s opinion about your husband, but perhaps you’ll have the opportunity to make your case for being allowed to be around and care for your granddaughter.
Hopefully, they’ll welcome your return to babysitting for them, even if it needs to be just you for at least the time being.
Link 2
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3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been catching it from my wife and daughter about my not wanting to change diapers or bathe or feed my new granddaughter.
Truth is my wife did all those things for our own babies without hardly any help from me because the nature of my work meant she had to carry most of the childcare load. Even when I got out of the service while our kids were still little, I went to work for a long-haul trucking company, which I stayed at until I retired.
I have tried to pitch in some when we have our granddaughter over, but I get told I am not doing it right, so between that and being lacking in experience, I find it is much easier to step back and let the ladies do their thing. And then I get in trouble for that too!
I really do want to help, especially because this is my chance to do the baby duty I missed out on all those years ago. But what is a new Grandpa to do? --- NEW GRANDPA
DEAR NEW GRANDPA: I think it’s time you openly tell your wife and daughter that you truly want to help but feel less than prepared for the job of caring for your baby granddaughter.
You can still probably expect them to give you a little flack, but hopefully they’ll also provide you with some necessary on-the-job-training.
Don’t be shy about asking why things are or aren’t done a certain way. Such questions may prove useful to you and provide the ladies with a chance to explain the reasons behind what they do.
Link 3
A few months after the wedding, she began dropping by my house unannounced. I asked her to stop; she acted like I was kidding. The issue came to a head one day when she dropped by while I was in the shower. She let herself in with a key she had copied from my son’s keychain. I let my anger get the best of me and I spoke harshly to her. Later that day she sent a long email about how hurt she is that I “play favorites” by allowing my college-age son to come and go as he pleases, but I want her to call first.
Now she is pregnant, and it’s gotten worse. She texts me multiple times a day in the voice of the baby. “Good Mowning Grammy! I kept my mommy up all night with the burpies. Did my daddy ever do that when he was in your belly?” She wants me and her mother to go to her appointments and be in the delivery room. I have no idea how to manage my relationship with her in a way that doesn’t cause strife in my son’s marriage.
– Overwhelmed by Affection
Dear Affection: She’s eager and probably struggling to figure you out, but it’s time to say night-night to some of these widdle habits.
Coming into your house unannounced with a key she wasn’t given isn’t a whoopsie daisy. She’s an adult and can understand that ignoring boundaries isn’t a sign of love.
In a calm moment, talk to her about respect. Explain that you love her and want to build a relationship with her, but when she does these things, it feels disrespectful to you.
If she interprets your boundaries as slights against her or jokes, that’s a red flag. It’s manipulative.
She may not have had good models for this kind of relationship (unclear what’s going on with her own mom), but if she’s not open to hearing you, you can’t build something healthy. Ask your son for insight but frame your talk around what you want your relationship to be, not what you have problems with.
Forcing yourself to go to appointments will only create more resentment. So, decline. “I don’t think that works for me, but I can’t wait for the baby shower.” As to the baby talk texts … oh my goo-goo-gah-gah; I can’t believe I’m going to write this … ignore it for now. You can’t win them all.
Link 1
2. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My husband has been sharp-edged as long as I have known him, and I have known him for nearly 40 years.
Our son learned at a young age that his father is not the easiest guy to put up with, but also that underneath it all, he is a good man, a good provider, loves his family above everything else, and would do anything to keep us safe and sound.
My daughter-in-law grew up in what couldn’t be a more different family. Her parents are quiet, soft-spoken, and the sort who, even with a family of six kids, apparently never yelled or lost their temper. (Although I find that hard to believe!)
The last time we all got together, her family and ours, my husband made a comment about how soft our son and daughter-in-law were being on their toddler. She has no limits, and I agree she gets away with many things our kids never would have so much as tried.
My daughter-in-law got very offended, and she and my husband got into a row about how children should be raised. He basically told her she was doing it all wrong, that children need limits and discipline, and she called him a nasty old man who terrorized his own son when he was growing up.
I tried to make some sort of peace, but the visit ended with us leaving their house and my daughter-in-law saying we were not to be anywhere near her daughter because she was afraid my husband would yell at her or worse if she did anything any normal toddler would do.
I know my husband would never hurt his granddaughter, and I have been her most regular babysitter. Now I am barred from doing what I love in caring for her and what I know gave our son and his wife a break they, like any young parents, require.
Do you think it is fair that I am being punished because my husband spoke his mind? --- I DID NOTHING WRONG
DEAR I DID NOTHING WRONG: You mentioned your daughter-in-law’s reaction to your husband’s comment, but not how your son responded.
While you believe he long ago figured his father has a soft interior wrapped up in a rough exterior, your daughter-in-law’s statement makes me think it’s possible your son doesn’t see your husband in the same light as you do, and therefore shares his wife’s opinion.
I think you, your son, and daughter-in-law need to have an open discussion about the ban on your babysitting. It might not change anyone’s opinion about your husband, but perhaps you’ll have the opportunity to make your case for being allowed to be around and care for your granddaughter.
Hopefully, they’ll welcome your return to babysitting for them, even if it needs to be just you for at least the time being.
Link 2
3. DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have been catching it from my wife and daughter about my not wanting to change diapers or bathe or feed my new granddaughter.
Truth is my wife did all those things for our own babies without hardly any help from me because the nature of my work meant she had to carry most of the childcare load. Even when I got out of the service while our kids were still little, I went to work for a long-haul trucking company, which I stayed at until I retired.
I have tried to pitch in some when we have our granddaughter over, but I get told I am not doing it right, so between that and being lacking in experience, I find it is much easier to step back and let the ladies do their thing. And then I get in trouble for that too!
I really do want to help, especially because this is my chance to do the baby duty I missed out on all those years ago. But what is a new Grandpa to do? --- NEW GRANDPA
DEAR NEW GRANDPA: I think it’s time you openly tell your wife and daughter that you truly want to help but feel less than prepared for the job of caring for your baby granddaughter.
You can still probably expect them to give you a little flack, but hopefully they’ll also provide you with some necessary on-the-job-training.
Don’t be shy about asking why things are or aren’t done a certain way. Such questions may prove useful to you and provide the ladies with a chance to explain the reasons behind what they do.
Link 3