Two letters involving the possibility of converting religion for a romantic partner

[conuly]

1. Dear Prudence,

I’m a 31-year-old female living in Chicago who happened to fall in love with an Orthodox Jewish man. I was raised Catholic in the south. We met at work, began as friends, and that friendship blossomed into a very loving, supportive relationship that I honestly never saw coming. Part of that is because I was completely closed off from love. In my 29 years before I started dating him, I never dated anyone. I had the strongest of the strongest walls up. Completely cut off from anyone that gave me anything close to intimacy. Then came him. He slowly broke down my walls, and I learned how to love, how to be there in a relationship, and how to find myself in a relationship. He treats me extremely well, loves my family, and wants to marry me.

We’ve been dating for a year a half at this point, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I should probably convert. I kosher-ized my kitchen, I’ve eaten at all Kosher restaurants, I’m reading all the required books for Orthodox conversion, and I am understanding more and more about Judaism. He’s met everyone in my family, come to family events, and come home with me multiple times (I live hours away from my family). I’ve met his brothers on basically one occasion and never met his father. His mother passed away two years ago. I don’t get to attend his family holidays, as I’m not Jewish.

I lost my best friend of 15 years when I started this relationship. She didn’t agree that I should take the risk, and didn’t like the difference in privacy that she and I had as I navigated this first-time relationship. She struggles with her own boundary issues that I think came into play during this new time of friendship.

So my question is this: Do I convert? My life would look different. I wouldn’t eat at the same restaurants, wouldn’t celebrate the same holidays, wouldn’t attend the same (two) religious services I grew up going to each year. I would make Shabbos each Friday evening, not using my phone or any other electricity for 25 hours every weekend. All for a man I love so dearly. So do I do it? Do I make the next step? What are your thoughts?

—Do I Convert

Dear Do I Convert,

I can’t imagine you’d be happier with your familiar holidays and two religious services and all-weekend-long electricity, but without the man you love. On the surface, converting seems like a no-brainer to me. So I have to wonder where your hesitation is coming from. Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is about your relationship to Judaism. Does this faith resonate with you? Does it bring you comfort? Do you appreciate the guidance it provides for your life? Do you believe the things you’ve come across in religious texts? Do you feel you have something to offer to a new religious community? If so, you should definitely convert.
Similarly, if your answer is “I feel pretty neutral about it but I like the traditions and the people, and am willing to commit, respect the rules, and go all in because I love this guy so much” go ahead and do it!

However, if the truth is closer to “I really, really don’t believe in most of this and will feel resentful about the sacrifice every day, and by the way, I’m still upset about losing my best friend and think maybe she had a point,” put the brakes on. You can’t have a happy marriage without being a happy person, and if converting is going to turn you into someone who feels deprived and wonders about what else is out there for you, even your wonderful partner won’t be able to fix that.

Link one

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2. Dear Prudence,

I met the woman I thought I’d spend my life with, and we were together for four years. As we got older and her extended family died and we started talking about kids, she became much more religious. Her religion passes through the maternal line, and so she says it’s very important for her as part of the family. She eventually gave me an ultimatum: Convert or break up. I love her, but I’m an atheist and the best I would be able to do is lie my way through, which is a bad foundation for marriage. We broke up and it’s been two years, but I still miss her. Recently she reached out and said she’d changed her mind and wants to try again, and I don’t have to convert. I don’t even know how to start thinking about this. What should I do?

—Second Time Is or Isn’t a Charm

Dear Second Time,

There’s obviously something special between the two of you. Give it another try. For six months. Use this time to hear about what’s changed with her relationship to her religion, and whether she could truly be happy with someone who didn’t convert. And do your own check-in about whether you feel as excited about her as you once did, and whether you can trust her not to make any more major life changes that result in her saying “Do what I want or it’s over.”

Link two

Comments

[conuly]

1. I have a few concerns here. First of all is the fact that this is the only person LW has ever dated. As a rule, I would advise anybody to date around a little bit more before they get married... or at least date a little longer first. This isn't normally something I'd say to people in their 30s, but let's look at the other concerns: she's already lost a friend over this, and his family does not appear to like her. It's that last one that really gave me pause.

"I don’t get to attend his family holidays, as I’m not Jewish."

I have attended religious holidays in an Orthodox home and I wasn't even the person invited. My sister (also not Jewish) was invited and she dragged me along, a habit she only started to kick after she had children. And this woman can't go to holidays with her boyfriend until she converts? And he's telling her that this is normal, everything is fine? This is not normal. And yes, you can be married to somebody whose family is very cold to you... but it's not fun, especially if your partner doesn't admit that there's a problem.

As for converting, LW should really ask herself if she'd be okay converting if her boyfriend dropped dead tomorrow. Because if the answer is "no" then she really should reconsider.

2. LW2, I'd seriously recommend that you two have some couples counseling before you make any real commitments in this relationship, if you choose to rekindle it at all. Somebody who was firmly on the conversion train two years ago is unlikely to have completely changed her opinions today.

[syderia]

I kinda think that you should convert only if the religion you're converting to speaks to you. LW1 seems to be thinking about it only in terms of logistics (Shabbos, and keeping kosher) and habits (not going to the two religious services she's been attending all her life) and not in terms of actual religion. Also, for someone who's thinking to convert because of her partner, the letter seems strangely devoid of his opinion. Have they talked about it? What does he thinks?

[azurelunatic]

If the religion in LW2's situation is Judaism, which it might be, I've heard from people whose opinions on Judaism I trust that atheist Jews are A Thing, and that the more important thing is to follow whatever version of the practices that the local community follows. And LW would have to be comfortable with any children being raised in the religion, regardless of whether or not they believe in their own heart.

[librarygeek]

I am Jewish, raised Reform, but now hanging out with the Jewish mystics whose founder/teacher was ordained by the last Lubavitcher rebbe, and served in the beginnings of their Chabad and Hillel growths.

For #1, the first thing that occurred to me is "has the boyfriend been previously married within the Jewish community?" Because this sounds like the type of man who has a wife who is civilly divorced, but not Jewishly (a get is required for the woman to remarry, but since a man is "permitted but not recommended" to have two wives, some rabbis will perform the second marriage in THAT case). That she's not being invited to Pesach Seder or Shabbos meals, sounds to me like the boyfriend is trying to keep her from finding out she'll not only be his second wife, but his SECONDARY wife, because until he frees his first wife, much of the community will definitely treat this prospective convert as having little place within the Jewish community. Look up "agunot" about these chained wives' situations.

In both cases, I sincerely believe that converting for someone is not a good reason to convert to Judaism. One should only convert if they truly feel that this Jewish way of life is more coming home for that person and not for anyone else.

[liv]

I concur with others, there's some shenanigans here, the Orthodox boyfriend isn't being fully honest with LW1. I am also detecting more than a whiff of lovebombing here, with all this 'breaking down walls' for someone who has never previously had a relationship.

There is no prohibition on non-Jews attending Jewish holidays, so there's something else going on. The worst case is as librarygeek pointed out, some kind of bigamy situation. A slightly less horrible possibility is that the boyfriend doesn't want anyone to know he's dating LW, because the relationship itself can be a bar to conversion. Some rabbis, mostly Orthodox but it's not unheard of in other denominations, will say that someone who is dating a Jewish partner isn't really sincere about becoming Jewish, they're "only" doing it to please their partner. And further, in an Orthodox context where it's forbidden for Jewish people to date non-Jews, you can get into a Catch-22 where if you were really sincere about being Jewish, you would do your best to keep Jewish laws, and that includes not dating someone Jewish when you yourself are not Jewish.

To be clear that's still not good; he's essentially asking LW to lie for him and approaching the conversion process from a starting place of dishonesty is a very good way to get turned down. The "refuse three times" thing is a bit of a myth, but there are stringent checks to make sure the potential convert is sincere, and lying about your motivations in that context is a big red flag.