Two letters involving the possibility of converting religion for a romantic partner

[conuly]

1. Dear Prudence,

I’m a 31-year-old female living in Chicago who happened to fall in love with an Orthodox Jewish man. I was raised Catholic in the south. We met at work, began as friends, and that friendship blossomed into a very loving, supportive relationship that I honestly never saw coming. Part of that is because I was completely closed off from love. In my 29 years before I started dating him, I never dated anyone. I had the strongest of the strongest walls up. Completely cut off from anyone that gave me anything close to intimacy. Then came him. He slowly broke down my walls, and I learned how to love, how to be there in a relationship, and how to find myself in a relationship. He treats me extremely well, loves my family, and wants to marry me.

We’ve been dating for a year a half at this point, and I’m coming to terms with the fact that I should probably convert. I kosher-ized my kitchen, I’ve eaten at all Kosher restaurants, I’m reading all the required books for Orthodox conversion, and I am understanding more and more about Judaism. He’s met everyone in my family, come to family events, and come home with me multiple times (I live hours away from my family). I’ve met his brothers on basically one occasion and never met his father. His mother passed away two years ago. I don’t get to attend his family holidays, as I’m not Jewish.

I lost my best friend of 15 years when I started this relationship. She didn’t agree that I should take the risk, and didn’t like the difference in privacy that she and I had as I navigated this first-time relationship. She struggles with her own boundary issues that I think came into play during this new time of friendship.

So my question is this: Do I convert? My life would look different. I wouldn’t eat at the same restaurants, wouldn’t celebrate the same holidays, wouldn’t attend the same (two) religious services I grew up going to each year. I would make Shabbos each Friday evening, not using my phone or any other electricity for 25 hours every weekend. All for a man I love so dearly. So do I do it? Do I make the next step? What are your thoughts?

—Do I Convert

Dear Do I Convert,

I can’t imagine you’d be happier with your familiar holidays and two religious services and all-weekend-long electricity, but without the man you love. On the surface, converting seems like a no-brainer to me. So I have to wonder where your hesitation is coming from. Perhaps the question you need to ask yourself is about your relationship to Judaism. Does this faith resonate with you? Does it bring you comfort? Do you appreciate the guidance it provides for your life? Do you believe the things you’ve come across in religious texts? Do you feel you have something to offer to a new religious community? If so, you should definitely convert.
Similarly, if your answer is “I feel pretty neutral about it but I like the traditions and the people, and am willing to commit, respect the rules, and go all in because I love this guy so much” go ahead and do it!

However, if the truth is closer to “I really, really don’t believe in most of this and will feel resentful about the sacrifice every day, and by the way, I’m still upset about losing my best friend and think maybe she had a point,” put the brakes on. You can’t have a happy marriage without being a happy person, and if converting is going to turn you into someone who feels deprived and wonders about what else is out there for you, even your wonderful partner won’t be able to fix that.

Link one

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2. Dear Prudence,

I met the woman I thought I’d spend my life with, and we were together for four years. As we got older and her extended family died and we started talking about kids, she became much more religious. Her religion passes through the maternal line, and so she says it’s very important for her as part of the family. She eventually gave me an ultimatum: Convert or break up. I love her, but I’m an atheist and the best I would be able to do is lie my way through, which is a bad foundation for marriage. We broke up and it’s been two years, but I still miss her. Recently she reached out and said she’d changed her mind and wants to try again, and I don’t have to convert. I don’t even know how to start thinking about this. What should I do?

—Second Time Is or Isn’t a Charm

Dear Second Time,

There’s obviously something special between the two of you. Give it another try. For six months. Use this time to hear about what’s changed with her relationship to her religion, and whether she could truly be happy with someone who didn’t convert. And do your own check-in about whether you feel as excited about her as you once did, and whether you can trust her not to make any more major life changes that result in her saying “Do what I want or it’s over.”

Link two

Comments

[full_metal_ox]

And that’s why missionaries are illegal in Israel, and why you have to approach the rabbi(s) three times to establish enthusiastic consent: Jews have been pressured to convert (or at least fake it) for so long from so many cultures that it’s become one of Judaism’s defining things that We Don’t Do Around Here, Period.

(Chabad, if I understand it correctly, is outreach to fellow Jews who may be lineal and exploring their heritage, or lapsed, or secular but seeking a deeper understanding of their religious identity; I’ll welcome correction if I’m mistaken.)

[conuly]

(Chabad, if I understand it correctly, is outreach to fellow Jews who may be lineal and exploring their heritage, or lapsed, or secular but seeking a deeper understanding of their religious identity; I’ll welcome correction if I’m mistaken.)

Chabad is extremely annoying and it can be nearly impossible to shake them if they think you are Jewish, just lying to them. I gotta wonder how many people do lie to them to get them to go away. Source: Man, I just wanted to do my shopping, I certainly wasn't sneakily refusing to light Chanukkah candles because reasons.

[full_metal_ox]

Thank you for the field report—I sit corrected! I don’t generally set off people’s Jewdar, so aggressive proselytization from Chabad is something I’ve not experienced.

[conuly]

I shouldn't set it off either, being that I'm not Jewish but... well. I don't quite approve of their politics, either.

But if you need a free menorah, I've heard they can provide that for you.

[conuly]

(The funniest part about this is that I actually do keep track of when the holiday is, because if I didn't limit my donuts-and-fried-potatoes consumption I'd eat those literally all the time, and with bacon too. But I wouldn't say I observe it, because that'd be really weird.)

[jadelennox]

Chabad does only proselytize to people they believe to be Jews, you were right about that. They can be wrong, but they never intend to create new Jews, they just want to make ba'alei teshuva (converts from secular or non-chassidic/non-haredi Judaism to Chabad).

[matsushima]

Oh, I'm not a Chabad fan - I realized that might not be clear from my post. It was more like "even Chabad doesn't think someone should convert for marriage unless they feel called to Judaism." (… but Chabadniks also don't believe in intermarriage and their FAQ on the issue strongly implies if not outright states that Judaism is genetic so whop knows if they'd even accept LW's conversion as valid?)