agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s mother passed after a short battle with cancer early in our courtship. We both miss her very much. His father remarried 10 years ago. Recently, we had a son, but my husband refuses to refer to his father’s wife as “Grandma.” As he says, “He already has two Grandmothers, just one of them isn’t here.” His father is “Grandpa” to his new wife’s grandchildren, and while I would like to respect my husband’s wishes, I think it is also not a slight to his mother’s memory and will eventually hurt his dad’s wife, whom I like. Any advice?

—Grandma Dilemma

Dear Grandma Dilemma,

Delicately explain your husband’s sentimental reasons for reserving “Grandma” for his late mother, and ask his stepmother if she’d like to choose a special name she would like to be called instead. Emphasis on “special,” not subpar! In a world full of Nannas and Glam-mas and Gigis and MeeMaws and assorted other titles that nod to cultural roots, the options are endless. If she doesn’t have a strong preference, it could be fun to sit down with a list like this one and go over it together. I cannot personally endorse “Insta-Gram” (listed under “cool grandma names”) or “Gram-Cracker” (which is for some reason filed under “sassy”), but there are 73 other choices that she might love. Also, your son may very well use his toddler creativity to call her something completely random but endearing, so be prepared for that.

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This letter hinges on two enormous problems, and the columnist doesn't address either of them.

1. We don't even know if there's a problem to fix. For all we know, LW's Step-MIL does not care at all what the kid calls her. LW has not made any attempt to verify this belief that because LW thinks they might find it hurtful, SMIL will feel the same way. Heck, for all we know SMIL would prefer that all the grandkids and step-grandkids call her by her first name and just hasn't figure out how to say that to people.

2. And if SMIL does find it hurtful then the proper person for her to address that matter to is her stepson, LW's husband. Not only is this not a problem, but it is absolutely positively 100% not LW's problem to fix. LW should not be delicately explaining anything to anybody, because that is not their job. LW's job is to let other people manage their feelings and their relationships.

3. I used gender neutral pronouns here, but I would really be shocked if LW is not a woman.

Edited 2024-07-27 23:37 (UTC)

maybe check with the SMIL to see what she wants to be called first?

my niece had two grandmothers, and two great-grandmothers. somehow, the family found a way to differentiate - one was Nana, one Grandma, one Grannie and my mother Oma (German for grandmother). they don't all need to be called the same thing.

One of the women who I called Grandma was my biological grandmother. The other was my dad's foster sister, who was about forty when her mother took in Dad and three other kids. "Grandma" doesn't have to be limited to biological relatives.

My stepmother, who married my dad after my first two children were born but before they were talking much, suggested that my kids could call her Oma, as she had grandchildren in Germany who called her that and she was used to it, and she thought I probably wouldn't want them saying Grandma [my family name]. I thought it was extremely nice of her to think of that.

The husband is being super weird.

The LW didn't mention that he wants the kid to call her something else. It seems more like he doesn't want the kid to see her as a grandparent at all. The columnist brought up the trend of everyone having a unique grandparent nickname, but grandma is just a generic word, and without any mention of alternatives in the letter, it just seems to me like the husband has issues about acknowledging that his dad's wife is going to play the role of grandmother to his kid. The kid is never going to consider the husband's mother as grandma because they never met. Their grandparents are the people they will grow up interacting with and the husband needs to get over that.

Edited 2024-07-28 05:44 (UTC)

Well, I grew up calling my step grandmother by her first name since my grandparents had been divorced for years when I was born, and it never seemed weird or awkward to me. She doesn't have biological grandchildren either, but I don't think it bothered her. I think a lot of times adults project a lot of symbolism and baggage into the language and terminology used by children, but I think it's ultimately arbitrary and doesn't have any effect on the relationship under the name. Children are adaptable.

Now, if it does upset the step-grandmother to be called that, that's another matter, and the son should consider a compromise, which it isn't insane for the LW to at least suggest, something along the lines of "Have you thought about how she feels about it? I hope we aren't hurting her feelings. If you aren't sure, maybe you could just bring it up in case she wants to get something off her chest?"

I suspect that LW’s husband has never adjusted to his dad’s current wife, considering she’s been around for a decade already and yet I’m feeling that “she’s not really part of the family, she’s just a new interloper” energy. It’s quite possible that the husband’s dad did one of those very common stunts where he remarried quickly because he didn’t like being alone, and LW’s husband is resenting her rather than his dad because that’s psychologically easier.

If that’s the case, yeah, I’m not surprised he doesn’t want her being given an honorific. And in that case he’s unlikely to be amenable to an alternative, because it isn’t about her having “Grandma” specifically, it’s about her having anything that denotes her as an honored member of the family who gets to have a special title.