agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Prudence,

My husband’s mother passed after a short battle with cancer early in our courtship. We both miss her very much. His father remarried 10 years ago. Recently, we had a son, but my husband refuses to refer to his father’s wife as “Grandma.” As he says, “He already has two Grandmothers, just one of them isn’t here.” His father is “Grandpa” to his new wife’s grandchildren, and while I would like to respect my husband’s wishes, I think it is also not a slight to his mother’s memory and will eventually hurt his dad’s wife, whom I like. Any advice?

—Grandma Dilemma

Dear Grandma Dilemma,

Delicately explain your husband’s sentimental reasons for reserving “Grandma” for his late mother, and ask his stepmother if she’d like to choose a special name she would like to be called instead. Emphasis on “special,” not subpar! In a world full of Nannas and Glam-mas and Gigis and MeeMaws and assorted other titles that nod to cultural roots, the options are endless. If she doesn’t have a strong preference, it could be fun to sit down with a list like this one and go over it together. I cannot personally endorse “Insta-Gram” (listed under “cool grandma names”) or “Gram-Cracker” (which is for some reason filed under “sassy”), but there are 73 other choices that she might love. Also, your son may very well use his toddler creativity to call her something completely random but endearing, so be prepared for that.

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This letter hinges on two enormous problems, and the columnist doesn't address either of them.

1. We don't even know if there's a problem to fix. For all we know, LW's Step-MIL does not care at all what the kid calls her. LW has not made any attempt to verify this belief that because LW thinks they might find it hurtful, SMIL will feel the same way. Heck, for all we know SMIL would prefer that all the grandkids and step-grandkids call her by her first name and just hasn't figure out how to say that to people.

2. And if SMIL does find it hurtful then the proper person for her to address that matter to is her stepson, LW's husband. Not only is this not a problem, but it is absolutely positively 100% not LW's problem to fix. LW should not be delicately explaining anything to anybody, because that is not their job. LW's job is to let other people manage their feelings and their relationships.

3. I used gender neutral pronouns here, but I would really be shocked if LW is not a woman.

Edited 2024-07-27 23:37 (UTC)

Yeah, exactly. We called our grandparents spouses on both sides by their first names, as did all of our cousins, and pretty much everyone in the entire family for that matter. This was entirely expected and comfortable for all concerned, including them. I'm a bit baffled that LW sees this as a problem.

My guess is that spouse is setting rules for what LW can call the SMIL to the kid, including while the kid is pre-verbal. "Look, Sammie, Grandma's here! Say hi to Grandma! Grandma's on the phone, do you want to talk with Grandma? Look at this lovely present Grandma sent for you!" and so on. Circumlocutions like "Granddad's wife" aren't going to slot in cleanly. And lists will outline the disparate treatment -- "You have presents here from Grandpa and Grandma Smith, and also from Grandpa and Pam Jones!"

The weirder LW feels about it, the more that's going to come through to the kid.

I'm not feeling too charitable towards the spouse, though. There's no legal maximum on the number of grands a kid can have.

my spouse's stepbrother's wife did exactly this with my MIL, and it was actually incredibly funny to watch her children decide "...mom is wack" and just start using Grandma for my MIL.

I can see a potential problem brewing, if LW's son calls the FIL "Grandpa" but calls SMIL simply by her name; LW says His father is “Grandpa” to his new wife’s grandchildren.

Unless SMIL has the same name as LW's deceased MIL, I can't see why SMIL can't be called "Grandma (SMIL's Name)" to distinguish from "Grandma (MIL's name)." That's what we did with our kids' paternal step-grandmother and paternal grandmother who died when the kids were very young. I wonder if there is friction between LW's husband and SMIL that's not mentioned in the letter.