a weird one from Care & Feeding

[laurajv]

Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent

Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

Comments

[laurajv]

THIS IS SO DEEPLY WEIRD.

why would you write to care & feeding about this? this is about a grown adult?? this isn't a parenting question???? have there been other questions about adult children on care & feeding before and I just don't recall any of them??

ALSO, if LW's son-in-law got medical care for the bite -- which he should have -- in many places that will trigger a mandatory report to Animal Control. My neighbor's dog bit my kid, and the urgent care filled out a form to report it, my neighbor was contacted, they checked that her dog was a) fully vaccinated b) licensed c) did/did not have a bite history. Once I took my kid to get medical care, there was no option where the bite didn't get reported, because it's a public health and safety issue.

[kiezh]

Weird how "my dog bites people, is inadequately secured, and harmed a member of my family who was only there because I asked for a major favor" is just... skated over, by both LW and the advice columnist. If the dog is your constant companion, why is the dog loose and biting people? If you know your dog bites strangers and that you have people visiting, why do you feel no responsibility to protect your visitors from your dog? There's no remorse or concern in this letter for the son-in-law at ALL.

LW, you're a nightmare, and I hope your son-in-law recovers without issues and that he and your daughter ghost you forever. Also that someone forces you to do something about training the dog. (IDK anything firsthand about dog training (because I avoid them, because I've been attacked in the past! also I'm allergic), but I have known dog owners who say that their vicious biting dog is "a sweetheart" and they are not generally doing anything whatsoever to stop that behavior. And I am given to understand that dogs can usually be trained.)

[redbird]

Both the LW and the columnist seem to be skating over "my husband, who has cognitive issues, let the dog loose by accident."

If the cognitive issues are relevant, that implies that he's likely to make that same mistake again. If they aren't, then it's something like "my husband is disabled/isn't well, you have to excuse whatever he did."

I also notice that she says the dog had never seen her son-in-law before, but not that the dog had no biting history. I wonder who if anyone the dog had bitten before, maybe someone who didn't want to bother calling animal control, or worried about what would happen, to either the dog or to their friendship with the dog owners, if they did report it.

I sympathize if it felt like "don't call the cops, they only make things worse," but if the situation is anything like that, LW should be warning visitors. If you have a dog who reacts badly to anyone he doesn't know, you should warn potential visitors of that--otherwise you can find yourself with a crash at the intersection between "all dogs are friendly" and "I must protect my humans from strangers."

[topaz_eyes]

There's so much Missing Information here. I agree with C&F that LW's relationship with her daughter was damaged before this incident. I wonder if the dog bite was a "last straw" situation for the daughter. A puncture wound is serious whether stitches are needed or not. It's not something to gloss over yet LW seemed to expect that from her daughter and SIL.

And tbh I'd be worried if LW's husband's cognitive issues might impact his ability to control the dog in future. Again, so much info is missing.

[redbird]

Also, it may not matter whether the LW and their husband want to have anything to do with their daughter and son-in-law. If I had been bitten by a dog, and the dog's owner reminded me that the dog was their constant companion and that they and the dog had done nothing wrong, I wouldn't be visiting again. Or inviting them over. Or meeting anywhere that someone might think it was reasonable to bring a dog (including anywhere outdoors).

That's before we get to the LW prioritizing her dog, and desire to see the dog, over her daughter. Whatever their reasons for that, they can't seriously expect their daughter to like it.

[adrian_turtle]

Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her,

It's not clear if LW is mainly distressed that her daughter didn't tell her about the report to animal control. I can understand wanting a heads-up about that sort of thing. I can also understand why the daughter might want to avoid an argument with her mom about dog who is a "sweetheart and constant companion" who is also sometimes dangerous, and a dad whose cognitive abilities are declining in his old age, to the point where he can't keep the house safe for an afternoon. These are really hard conversations, but people of good will manage to have them and build strong relationships later.

Or, LW might be upset that her daughter told the authorities about the injury at all. Fuck that.

[movingfinger]

Sweetheart dogs don't bite people, no, not even people they haven't seen before.