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a weird one from Care & Feeding
Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent
Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent
Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.
no subject
It's not clear if LW is mainly distressed that her daughter didn't tell her about the report to animal control. I can understand wanting a heads-up about that sort of thing. I can also understand why the daughter might want to avoid an argument with her mom about dog who is a "sweetheart and constant companion" who is also sometimes dangerous, and a dad whose cognitive abilities are declining in his old age, to the point where he can't keep the house safe for an afternoon. These are really hard conversations, but people of good will manage to have them and build strong relationships later.
Or, LW might be upset that her daughter told the authorities about the injury at all. Fuck that.