a weird one from Care & Feeding

[laurajv]

Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent

Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

Comments

[kiezh]

Weird how "my dog bites people, is inadequately secured, and harmed a member of my family who was only there because I asked for a major favor" is just... skated over, by both LW and the advice columnist. If the dog is your constant companion, why is the dog loose and biting people? If you know your dog bites strangers and that you have people visiting, why do you feel no responsibility to protect your visitors from your dog? There's no remorse or concern in this letter for the son-in-law at ALL.

LW, you're a nightmare, and I hope your son-in-law recovers without issues and that he and your daughter ghost you forever. Also that someone forces you to do something about training the dog. (IDK anything firsthand about dog training (because I avoid them, because I've been attacked in the past! also I'm allergic), but I have known dog owners who say that their vicious biting dog is "a sweetheart" and they are not generally doing anything whatsoever to stop that behavior. And I am given to understand that dogs can usually be trained.)

[dissectionist]

I read it in the opposite direction, that the daughter was forcing her assistance on the mom. That’s a common thing in my family; I’ve had to be very clear with my family members that no, I do not need you coming to help me, I have it covered already, etc. But then they get in their feels because they feel rejected and like they’re not being given the “right” to help, which is what family is supposed to do (from their perspective). From my perspective, having guests in my space (even ones to be helpful) while I’m trying to recover would be more stressful for me, and recovery is my priority.

So I’m not sure if LW asked for a favor (for her daughter to come help, which her daughter resisted) or it’s a family dynamic like mine, where some family members keep trying to insert themselves even when their assistance isn’t desired and they try to guilt you into accepting. The “gave me a hard time” could work either way.

[kiezh]

Huh, interesting! Yeah, I'd assumed that "giving her a hard time" meant LW wanted something and her daughter resisted, and that was why LW accused her of "doing this intentionally" to get out of it. Or did the daughter already stay for the two weeks, and it was when her husband came to pick her up that the dog bite happened, which is why they left town immediately? This letter is a masterpiece of confusion; going back to reread it makes me *less* clear on what happened and when.

You're right that it's very open to interpretation, and that Unhelpful Helpiness may be involved. (Also, sympathies on the pushy family! I often do need help from family due to chronic illness, but can only get it in Maximally Stressful form with the expectation of perpetual gratefulness, which is very obnoxious. Would be nice if people would prioritize *not* stressing out the person they want to Help!)

There's *some* kind of power struggle in this letter but LW's really vague about who wanted what, which does not make them seem very reliable. Also I kind of wonder if the accusation that the daughter and son-in-law "intentionally" reported on the dog bite in order to hurt LW is projection, and the dog getting loose and biting was accidentally-on-purpose. idk.

Whatever the backstory is, probably having nothing to do with each other would be an improvement.

[dissectionist]

It’s definitely confusing. It does sound like the dog bite wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault (the husband has cognitive difficulties so can’t be blamed for letting the dog loose, and the dog had been appropriately restrained prior to that). But yeah, we don’t know enough about the dog bite itself; I’ve had nips that broke skin but didn’t cause enough damage to get medical attention, so it ended with me complaining at the owner to be more careful. But other times even if a bite doesn’t require stitches it may still be deep enough to need medical attention, in which case the reporting would have been automatic. The daughter may not have reported anything at all herself or even known it was reported, and the reason it took over two weeks was because the wheels of hospitals and subsequent public health/animal authorities grind slowly.

You have my sympathies too! I’m chronically ill as well, but generally my immediate family has my needs well-handled. We just don’t need the stress of extended family coming in. (And for at least one of the family members, any assistance has that expectation of fawning gratitude you mention. Ughhhhh.)

I definitely agree that wherever the problems are between LW and Daughter, either family therapy (if all parties come to it in good faith; otherwise it’s pointless) or space are the best options.

[laurajv]

I mean, if you have a dog that needs to be restrained not to bite strangers, you 1000% need systems in place so that the dog CANNOT BITE STRANGERS. Like ones that a person with cognitive difficulties is unlikely to accidentally mess up. This is imperative.

Personally, I believe that if you have a dog that bites strangers, you should not have a dog.

[dissectionist]

I would agree in general, though I also think sometimes multiple failures happen at once. They may well have a system, which is LW under normal circumstances and that’s fine, and visitors are introduced in the presence of LW who can reassure the dog, and that’s fine, and that’s worked to this point. But then we have a situation where LW is out of commission in a way they usually aren’t, so LW took the step of restraining the dog because the usual protocols that work couldn’t occur, but then there was a failure due to the husband (who may well have been confused about why the dog was restrained, because that’s never been necessary before).

The problem is that there’s so few details in this letter, I can’t draw any solid conclusion; there’s just supposition. Maybe LW has a dangerous dog who has bitten people before. Maybe this was the first time. Maybe it only happened due to multiple failures and will never happen again. Maybe it is likely to happen again. Maybe it was serious enough to need to be checked out. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal and LW’s daughter did something resentful because she got forced into helping. I have no idea.

[lokifan]

The “gave me a hard time” could work either way.

True, but "gave me a hard time... when I was laid up after major surgery" to me strongly suggests it's a complaint about needing help.

[laurajv]

agreed