Dear Amy: I'm dating my son-in-law's brother, and now I can't see my grandchild

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. I love this man with everything I have. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.

I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)

The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.

Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.

I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.

— Heartbroken

Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.

Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.

You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”

Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.

Comments

[castiron]

While I would love to pick up a man 17 years younger whenever I'm next in a position to date, I'd like to think I'd have the good judgement to classify my child-in-law's brother as off limits, no matter how well we get along. Yeah, it's not technically incest, but if I were in the position of saying "yeah, my brother is dating my wife's mother", I'd be feeling a little dubious about their judgment.

I'm wondering, though, was the boyfriend under the same restriction -- did the son-in-law tell his brother he couldn't see his niece?

[cora]

All of this.

I think LW left out too many details of the letter to weigh in on anything else, like where is her daughter in all of this? How does the daughter feel about LW dating someone who is young enough to be daughter's sibling?

I think Agony Aunt's response about SIL being "controlling" could be legitimate, but without knowing how the daughter feels, it's hard to tell whether SIL is being "controlling" or whether daughter + SIL presented a united front and LW wants to place the blame for her daughter's feelings at the SIL's doorstep.

SIL in this instance meaning "son in law" (as opposed to "sister in law").

As for visitation rights - that only comes into play if the parents are dead/ran off/signed away their parental rights. Otherwise, it's nice that you want a relationship with the grandkids, but that's entirely dependent on their parents who haven't given/shown any reason for their parental judgement to be in question. "I don't let my kids see/stay with/talk to their grandparents" isn't enough of a reason to question parental judgement. "I let my kids play with sharp knives near electrical outlets" on the other hand...