Dear Amy: I'm dating my son-in-law's brother, and now I can't see my grandchild

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I am an older woman who fell in love with a man 17 years younger than me. I love this man with everything I have. We met about five years ago at my home during Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately for us, his brother is married to my daughter.

I have practically raised their daughter from infancy; she’s going into second grade this year. When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other, my son-in-law decided he would punish me by keeping my granddaughter away from me. (She was 4 at the time.)

The pressure and pain I endured was overwhelming and I broke up with the first man I've ever loved, who I was completely comfortable with, in order to spend time with my granddaughter.

Then, last year, my guy and I reunited. I love him more every day, but the same thing happened again — my granddaughter wasn’t allowed to come to my home anymore and my son-in-law treats me like dirt. So we broke up again because the pain is almost unbearable for both of us.

I would like your thoughts on this, please, because I need help. I don’t want to live a miserable life without the love of my life.

— Heartbroken

Heartbroken: I’m going to take it as a given that your partner doesn’t present any risks to your granddaughter, and that your son-in-law’s treatment of you is a reflection of the rage he feels at his perception that you are encroaching upon his family.

Nowhere here do you mention your daughter, who is married to this controlling and abusive man. He is managing to control the lives of four people: his wife, his brother, you, and your granddaughter. Perhaps it’s time that someone stood up to him.

You can’t stand up to him if your heart is aching and breaking, and so you will have to train yourself to withstand the consequent separation. It might help if you see your own choice as sending a strong message to both your daughter and granddaughter: “I won’t let him control me.”

Live your life. A counselor could help you and your partner to navigate the anxiety you feel. You should also consult with a lawyer. In my state, grandparents can file a legal petition for visitation.

Comments

[cereta]

I'll be honest: I mostly posted this for the last line, because it's a misconception that drives me nuts. Laws that allow grandparents to seek visitation generally have very specific circumstances that all boil down to the grandparents' offspring not being in the situation (dead or run off or something). I'm sure there is at least one case out there where an intact, nuclear family was compelled by the court to give visitation to a grandparent, which is why I won't say it never happens, but it's really, really rare, and isn't what most of those laws are for. It's a lot like the idea that fathers can just sign away parental rights (and responsibilities) because they don't want to pay child support: impossible to stamp out.

[green_grrl]

A lot of the misinformed claims come from super entitled “Graaaaaaandkids!” types. But “I have practically raised their daughter from infancy.” It sounds like SIL was happy to use her as a free nanny, but now can’t see past his own squick. Grandparents rights CAN come into play when the grandparent has been such a staple of child’s daily life, though I’m not sure about when the parents are married.

[cimorene]

If that part is accurate, then a big change happened, which might be just squick. But the LW might also be an unreliable narrator, and the fact that she doesn't mention her daughter at all tends to support that. It's also very different depending how her daughter feels about the situation, even if it is simple prejudice at play.