Carolyn Hax: Feeling Left Out, Mother Dreads Son's Wedding

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: My son is engaged to a woman I don’t know very well. He asked whether I wanted to contribute to the wedding. I said no — I paid for a third of his college, per our divorce decree, and feel adults old enough to be married are old enough to pay for their own weddings.

Last weekend, his fiancee’s parents, also divorced, hosted a dinner so all the parents could meet. They discussed having a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, and a brunch the following day. Parents are paying for most or all of this.

I am bothered by a few things. To start, I thought a wedding was meant to be a few hours, not a few days. I also feel my ex’s new wife is assuming a role as mother of the groom, calling all the shots for the rehearsal dinner. It was also clear she socializes with my son’s fiancee. Her children are in the wedding party, and I overheard people calling them the groom’s brother and sister. The fiancee and her parents have a much warmer relationship with my ex. If they knew his infidelity broke our marriage, I wonder what they would think of him.

I do wish the couple all the luck in the world, but I dread the wedding. How do I deal with these unsettled feelings?

— Bothered

Bothered: Everything you named is a byproduct, at this point, of holding yourself (or your money) apart from the action.

That means you can change it. But it also means ditching all the “should” before you poison yourself with the anger you hold for your ex, and watch your son’s joy pass you by.

The first “should” to go: "[M]eant to be a few hours.” A wedding is what the couple wants and can finance. Mentally repeat till it sticks: “I am so happy for them.” Plus, couples often want to provide more than “a few hours” of hospitality for out-of-town guests.

Next: Old enough to marry/pay. Great! Absolutely valid opinion, so by all means do live by it. Or pivot and pitch in. Others can live by their different, also valid opinions. Your son apparently took your “no” for an answer graciously. Great stuff.

Next: The fiancee and your ex’s new wife. That stings for you, no doubt — but it’s great for the couple. Warmth is good. So now you have a choice — remain stung or bring more warmth. “Luck” is so arm’s-length.

Next: The infidelity grudge. It was awful, I’m sorry, and broke up your family. It also isn’t binding on these other families. They’re meeting you all in this moment, free to make their own judgments and connections. A clean(er) slate could serve you, too.

Feeding your sense of what “should” happen keeps you out of step with what’s actually happening. Please give yourself a hard shake, like an Etch A Sketch, and try approaching this wedding clean.

Readers’ thoughts:

· My mom was cash-strapped and very self-conscious, so I didn’t ask for any money. Instead I asked her to help me find a dress. Answer: no. I asked her to help me decide on flowers. Answer: no. She spent most of the reception sitting apart on the patio. It’s a sad memory. I wanted her to be part of the day, but her guilt over not being able to contribute financially made her feel undeserving.

· I might suggest therapy. It sounds as if you’re dealing with a lot of unresolved anger and a sense of betrayal over the end of your marriage, understandably.

Comments

[cereta]

I have to admit, I don't get what the LW wants, here. Like, she doesn't think she should contribute financially (which, fair, whatever), but then is annoyed with the bride's parents for "usurping" her role. She apparently doesn't believe in rehearsal dinners (which, every wedding I've ever been involved in has had at least a rehearsal dinner, and next-day brunches, especially for out-of-town guests, aren't that unusual), but is annoyed that she's being left out of planning it. I suspect the bit with the ex points to a truer issue, but she seems all over the place, here.

[rmc28]

Her children are in the wedding party, and I overheard people calling them the groom’s brother and sister.

Just possibly, your son has decided to think of them as his brother and sister, or just finds it less of a mouthful than including the step- prefix. Why are you so angry about him welcoming these children into his family? (especially if they are still actually children by age).

I have four stepsiblings, all acquired in adulthood and after my own marriage, and no we didn't grow up together but they're part of my family now.

[likeaduck]

I mean, it sucks to realise you don't have close relationship with someone you want to have that with, and other people have closer ones. It's on some level common and normal to feel like the problem is those relationships overstepping, if you feel entitled to be the closest circle. But that's not going to get you what you want. What would in this case? You say your kid is marrying someone you don't know very well, you're jealous of her socialising with your kid's other parent's family...have you tried to get to know her? Have you tried to know your son very much? Maybe start there.

[lavendertook]

It’s Hax, so of course it’s such excellent advice. I don’t know if I could have gotten through my initial reaction of "what a mean, striveled little person you are--just leave everyone trying to be happy alone!” But after reading the advice, I looked back at LW’s last line asking what to do with her feelings and am getting the empathy Carolyn is extending her on how to be more generous of feeling. Someone truly set in their ways wouldn’t end with realizing her feelings are a problem and ask what to do with them--she isn’t turning her anger or even jealousy into blaming others. She’s just stuck. May she take the advice she’s gotten to heart. I wish the bride or groom were as generous as the first reader who tried to get her mom involved in other ways than money--she needs someone generous in her life to pull her into the dance and another who sits in the corner with her who says, “Go! Go dance!” Doesn’t everybody?