Care & Feeding: My Family’s “Tolerance” on a Major Issue Has Me Walking on Eggshells

[minoanmiss]

I would like to acknowledge that this question is coming from a place of privilege—that there are so many others in unimaginably worse situations than mine, that my problem is pretty low-stakes. I’m 16, in grade 12, and identify as a lesbian. I’ve come out to four people: my parents, my 13-year-old sister, and a close friend. My sister and friend were incredibly kind, caring, and supportive—everything that I imagined that coming out would look like. My parents were a different story. I wouldn’t consider them outright homophobic, which is why I wasn’t afraid of coming out to them (about a year ago). I would consider them more “tolerance/acceptance” than “support” on the Riddle scale. My mom, a high school teacher, has mentioned that she is “so sick” of having meetings or discussions geared towards the LGBTQ community, and that we are “swinging too far in the other direction.”

When I first came out to them, they didn’t believe me. They didn’t take seriously that I had figured out my sexuality—something that, in their opinion, should be discovered “organically.” But I didn’t want to wait until I left for university to finally feel confirmation of my sexuality, and I had questions about what I felt and didn’t feel, so I initially turned to the internet for answers. We don’t have family friends in the LGBTQ community, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with any adults in my life (teachers, etc.), and my only real resource was (and is) YouTube and secretly watching TV shows with lesbian representation. I’ve been tied to my parent’s expectations for a long time, and their response brought me back to questioning my sexuality, when I shouldn’t have had to. How do I move forward now?

At this point I am confident in my sexuality, but every time LGBTQ topics come up at the dinner table, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. And since I don’t feel like this when such topics come up with friends, I’m pretty sure the environment is the problem, not me. Being a lesbian is important to me, but it is not all I am. I need a way for my parents to see that, without fracturing the otherwise excellent relationship I have with them. I want to tell them how much I wish I’d seen more queer representation in books and on TV when I was younger. I want to tell them that teaching kids that queer relationships exist isn’t “too far left” or “unnecessary information at such a young age,” as they sometimes say. I want to discuss a future spouse or partner without using gender neutral terms the way I have been doing over the last year, but rather “wife” or “girlfriend.” My relationship with my family is important to me, arguably more than my sexuality is. Should I just grin and bear it when it comes to this subject until I leave for university next year?

— Do I Stay Silent?

I’m sorry your parents have failed you in this way. Don’t give up on them, ok? Not yet, anyway. Not when your relationship with them is so important to you. But don’t grin and bear anything. Go ahead and tell them what’s on your mind. Go ahead and daydream aloud about your future girlfriend. Will they get mad? Will they tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about? Maybe. Probably. Maybe you’ll argue with them. As I’ve said many times before: Arguments are unpleasant, but they’re not the worst thing in the world. Sometimes they’re healthy. You can have a close relationship with your parents and stand firm on being your authentic self with them. (It may be rocky for a while, but if you are all as close as you feel you are, it won’t stay rocky. And if it does—well, then, this relationship is not as strong as you believe it is.) I’ll say this: You cannot be close to someone if they don’t know who you are. So make sure they do, and then give them a chance—and the time—to take this in. Good luck. I’m rooting for you.

— Michelle

Comments

[mommy]

This is not good advice for a queer kid who needs her homophobic parents for her FAFSA form.