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agonyaunt2022-10-10 12:25 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-10 12:25 pm
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: My Docile Kid Chose Violence
Actual title: My Otherwise Docile Kid Chose a Really Odd Way to Stand Up for His Classmate
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old son, “Todd,” who is a serious, generally well-behaved kid. So I was flabbergasted to learn that he had been issued an in-school suspension for punching another boy in his class (I’ll call him Sean). When Todd got home that day, I was honestly more worried than angry since this seemed so unlike him—and then what he told me left me confused. Todd has a classmate with a disability. “Anna” uses a wheelchair and has shown no sign of developing normal musculature—her arms and legs are like pencils. Apparently, Sean had been making fun of Anna. So very calmly, very seriously—very much the way Todd does things—he got up from his desk, punched Sean in the mouth, told him to shut up, and then sat back down at his own desk.
When I asked him why he’d resorted to violence, he shrugged and gave me a grave look and said that hate speech was a form of violence, so a violent response seemed necessary. He’s not apologetic at all. He’s not particularly upset about his punishment and seems determined to take it in good grace. I’m not sure what to do. I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people who can’t do it for themselves, but I don’t want him punching people for saying things, even if they are bigoted, hateful, stupid things.
—How to Proceed
I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people too (though I don’t know why you—or he—assumes that Anna can’t stick up for herself, as one does not require “normal” musculature to do so, and you haven’t mentioned that her disability includes mutism) but you’re right: he has no business punching anyone. I’m surprised that a child you describe as calm and serious, and who seems to have given thought to the notion of hate speech as violence (I agree!) has no storehouse of calm, serious words at his disposal to smite his enemies and defend the victims of spoken violence. I am also surprised that his instinct was not to speak to Anna herself, directly, both assuring her that Sean is a jerk who isn’t worth her attention and that he is her friend. (One of the best ways to help someone who is being bullied is to be genuinely kind to them yourself.)
Physical violence is never an appropriate response except in the most extreme situations of self-defense. I strongly suggest you begin teaching your son this now, before it is too late—as well as teaching him how to use his words to disarm or even vanquish a bigot or bully. Standing up for what’s right is always the right thing to do. But there are better ways to do it than punching someone in the mouth.
I’m concerned that Todd doesn’t seem to know (or care, now that he’s been told by his school) that punching is wrong, even when it’s “for a good cause.” Make sure he does. That’s part of your job, OK?
—Michelle
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old son, “Todd,” who is a serious, generally well-behaved kid. So I was flabbergasted to learn that he had been issued an in-school suspension for punching another boy in his class (I’ll call him Sean). When Todd got home that day, I was honestly more worried than angry since this seemed so unlike him—and then what he told me left me confused. Todd has a classmate with a disability. “Anna” uses a wheelchair and has shown no sign of developing normal musculature—her arms and legs are like pencils. Apparently, Sean had been making fun of Anna. So very calmly, very seriously—very much the way Todd does things—he got up from his desk, punched Sean in the mouth, told him to shut up, and then sat back down at his own desk.
When I asked him why he’d resorted to violence, he shrugged and gave me a grave look and said that hate speech was a form of violence, so a violent response seemed necessary. He’s not apologetic at all. He’s not particularly upset about his punishment and seems determined to take it in good grace. I’m not sure what to do. I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people who can’t do it for themselves, but I don’t want him punching people for saying things, even if they are bigoted, hateful, stupid things.
—How to Proceed
I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people too (though I don’t know why you—or he—assumes that Anna can’t stick up for herself, as one does not require “normal” musculature to do so, and you haven’t mentioned that her disability includes mutism) but you’re right: he has no business punching anyone. I’m surprised that a child you describe as calm and serious, and who seems to have given thought to the notion of hate speech as violence (I agree!) has no storehouse of calm, serious words at his disposal to smite his enemies and defend the victims of spoken violence. I am also surprised that his instinct was not to speak to Anna herself, directly, both assuring her that Sean is a jerk who isn’t worth her attention and that he is her friend. (One of the best ways to help someone who is being bullied is to be genuinely kind to them yourself.)
Physical violence is never an appropriate response except in the most extreme situations of self-defense. I strongly suggest you begin teaching your son this now, before it is too late—as well as teaching him how to use his words to disarm or even vanquish a bigot or bully. Standing up for what’s right is always the right thing to do. But there are better ways to do it than punching someone in the mouth.
I’m concerned that Todd doesn’t seem to know (or care, now that he’s been told by his school) that punching is wrong, even when it’s “for a good cause.” Make sure he does. That’s part of your job, OK?
—Michelle
no subject
The question you should be asking is why your son thought punching was a suitable response. Had adults been allowing this to go unchecked? Did he have evidence that other approaches wouldn't work? Had Sean been bullying other people as well? Was punching a useful response, did it work to prevent the hate speech from continuing? Have that discussion with him, and be ready to engage honestly with his answers.
If he picked up that punching is the correct first response to hate speech and he punched the kid right away with no other provocation and no opportunity for any other intervention to happen, maybe he needs some lessons in history and strategies of nonviolent resistance. But I strongly suspect he'd been watching the teachers let Sean get away with this for awhile, in which case he had evidence that nonviolent resistance was unlikely to be effective. At some point you do have to just punch the asshole who's bullying your friend, and the correct response is to make sure he knows how to punch safely for next time.
(Also he's 12. It's possible he just really wanted to punch someone just once and thought he'd finally found his chance. If that turns out to be the case, sign him up for kickboxing or something.)