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agonyaunt2022-10-10 12:25 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-10-10 12:25 pm
Entry tags:
Care & Feeding: My Docile Kid Chose Violence
Actual title: My Otherwise Docile Kid Chose a Really Odd Way to Stand Up for His Classmate
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old son, “Todd,” who is a serious, generally well-behaved kid. So I was flabbergasted to learn that he had been issued an in-school suspension for punching another boy in his class (I’ll call him Sean). When Todd got home that day, I was honestly more worried than angry since this seemed so unlike him—and then what he told me left me confused. Todd has a classmate with a disability. “Anna” uses a wheelchair and has shown no sign of developing normal musculature—her arms and legs are like pencils. Apparently, Sean had been making fun of Anna. So very calmly, very seriously—very much the way Todd does things—he got up from his desk, punched Sean in the mouth, told him to shut up, and then sat back down at his own desk.
When I asked him why he’d resorted to violence, he shrugged and gave me a grave look and said that hate speech was a form of violence, so a violent response seemed necessary. He’s not apologetic at all. He’s not particularly upset about his punishment and seems determined to take it in good grace. I’m not sure what to do. I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people who can’t do it for themselves, but I don’t want him punching people for saying things, even if they are bigoted, hateful, stupid things.
—How to Proceed
I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people too (though I don’t know why you—or he—assumes that Anna can’t stick up for herself, as one does not require “normal” musculature to do so, and you haven’t mentioned that her disability includes mutism) but you’re right: he has no business punching anyone. I’m surprised that a child you describe as calm and serious, and who seems to have given thought to the notion of hate speech as violence (I agree!) has no storehouse of calm, serious words at his disposal to smite his enemies and defend the victims of spoken violence. I am also surprised that his instinct was not to speak to Anna herself, directly, both assuring her that Sean is a jerk who isn’t worth her attention and that he is her friend. (One of the best ways to help someone who is being bullied is to be genuinely kind to them yourself.)
Physical violence is never an appropriate response except in the most extreme situations of self-defense. I strongly suggest you begin teaching your son this now, before it is too late—as well as teaching him how to use his words to disarm or even vanquish a bigot or bully. Standing up for what’s right is always the right thing to do. But there are better ways to do it than punching someone in the mouth.
I’m concerned that Todd doesn’t seem to know (or care, now that he’s been told by his school) that punching is wrong, even when it’s “for a good cause.” Make sure he does. That’s part of your job, OK?
—Michelle
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 12-year-old son, “Todd,” who is a serious, generally well-behaved kid. So I was flabbergasted to learn that he had been issued an in-school suspension for punching another boy in his class (I’ll call him Sean). When Todd got home that day, I was honestly more worried than angry since this seemed so unlike him—and then what he told me left me confused. Todd has a classmate with a disability. “Anna” uses a wheelchair and has shown no sign of developing normal musculature—her arms and legs are like pencils. Apparently, Sean had been making fun of Anna. So very calmly, very seriously—very much the way Todd does things—he got up from his desk, punched Sean in the mouth, told him to shut up, and then sat back down at his own desk.
When I asked him why he’d resorted to violence, he shrugged and gave me a grave look and said that hate speech was a form of violence, so a violent response seemed necessary. He’s not apologetic at all. He’s not particularly upset about his punishment and seems determined to take it in good grace. I’m not sure what to do. I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people who can’t do it for themselves, but I don’t want him punching people for saying things, even if they are bigoted, hateful, stupid things.
—How to Proceed
I applaud his instinct for sticking up for people too (though I don’t know why you—or he—assumes that Anna can’t stick up for herself, as one does not require “normal” musculature to do so, and you haven’t mentioned that her disability includes mutism) but you’re right: he has no business punching anyone. I’m surprised that a child you describe as calm and serious, and who seems to have given thought to the notion of hate speech as violence (I agree!) has no storehouse of calm, serious words at his disposal to smite his enemies and defend the victims of spoken violence. I am also surprised that his instinct was not to speak to Anna herself, directly, both assuring her that Sean is a jerk who isn’t worth her attention and that he is her friend. (One of the best ways to help someone who is being bullied is to be genuinely kind to them yourself.)
Physical violence is never an appropriate response except in the most extreme situations of self-defense. I strongly suggest you begin teaching your son this now, before it is too late—as well as teaching him how to use his words to disarm or even vanquish a bigot or bully. Standing up for what’s right is always the right thing to do. But there are better ways to do it than punching someone in the mouth.
I’m concerned that Todd doesn’t seem to know (or care, now that he’s been told by his school) that punching is wrong, even when it’s “for a good cause.” Make sure he does. That’s part of your job, OK?
—Michelle
no subject
The whole "Can't Anna stick up for herself" bit blows. I could stick up for myself and frequently did -- it made the bullying worse. What I needed were allies, which I never had.
Also... when I found some kids hitting my sister while holding a bin over her head so she would not recognise them, I still feel that my approach of grabbing the ringleader and throwing him across the room was valid. I needed him off her, I had three other kids to handle plus spectators, and I thought my prefect badge was going to do jack shit. So, I threw him. (No idea how I did that, as he was a 15-year-old and being 17 did not give me that much extra oomph generally speaking; adrenaline is a hell of a thing.)
It doesn't sound like that was the case for Todd here, but who knows? I doubt the situation was described to the LW in the terms given here, so I think her imagination has embroidered things.
no subject
so one day i followed him partway home from the bus, grabbed him from behind, spun him around, kneed him in the balls so hard he fell over and rolled around pathetically, and told him he'd better not touch anyone where i could see him ever again.
we were both 9 years old at the time. as far as i know, he never told anyone about it. he also never touched anyone on our bus, in our class, or in our lunch period ever again. if he ever started nonsense, i would cross my arms and twitch my knee, and he'd back down.
was i wrong to do what i did? i mean, maybe. it certainly wasn't a mature way to solve the problem. but by that point he'd been being violent to other children for years and the adults sure weren't stopping him. so while it might not have been a GOOD solution or a morally correct solution, i don't feel like i am a bad person for coming up with it and then implementing it, even though it was violent.
sometimes children solve their own problems and I feel like Todd decided to solve this one.