Dear Prudence: Is There a Non-Sexist Way to Tell My Girlfriend She Should Wear More Makeup?

[minoanmiss]

(n.b. I don't think the title is entirely accurate or fair to the LW)



Q. Can’t makeup my mind: I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, whom I’ve been dating for more than a year. Our communication is open and clear about most topics, except this one small thing. Sometimes I wish she would wear makeup on the special nights we go out, or even once in a while for the fun of it. At the same time I’m extremely reluctant to voice this desire. I know that women are expected to spend way more time and money on their appearance than men are and I don’t want to hurt her feelings or suggest that I don’t like her the way she is. I do—and at the same time I really liked when in previous relationships my partner would put on some makeup now and then. It just was a fun change of pace and it genuinely looks beautiful. I’d like my partner to try out some makeup; I know she has done it in the past but it’s very rare. How do I tactfully suggest that she wear some mascara for our next date night without sounding rude, sexist, or thoughtless? Is that even possible? Or should I just let this go and not say anything?

A: There’s a real difference between “I want you to spend a ton of extra time and money on your appearance regardless of your own feelings on the subject, lest you displease me” and “If you ever want to pick a night where we get really dressed up, I’d love it—I think make-up on a special occasion (or no special occasion) every once in a while looks beautiful,” especially when you’re prepared to take “No” for an answer. You can go a little overboard in planning your own outfit and hairstyle on that same night if she’s up for it, so the proposition isn’t “Have fun drawing the perfect cat’s-eye, I’ll be looking exactly the same as usual.” But don’t “tactfully suggest” she put on some mascara as if she’s forgotten something important, like making sure to put on shoes before she leaves the house. Be straightforward about the fact that this is something superfluous, extravagant, and nonessential that you want that she can either decline or accept, not something she should probably be doing already.

There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like my beautiful girlfriend and I like the occasional bold lip.” You don’t have to present that as a shameful, sexist secret or evidence that you don’t really appreciate her face as is, so long as you don’t press the issue and take her at her word if she says, “I don’t find putting on makeup fun.” Also, if you’re really into makeup as something casually fun and lovely, why not consider wearing it on your own every once in a while? There are plenty of beginner’s tutorials on YouTube (and all over the internet). You can test-drive various color palettes and styles until you find ones that suit you and best bring out your eyes. Part of the fun of makeup is (or can be, at least) the flexibility and impermanence of the endeavor; you can wipe it off and start again as often as you like, even if “as often as you like” is “pretty much never.”


Q. Re: Can’t makeup my mind: Never, ever, ever tell your partner you want to see her in makeup. You will do nothing but hurt her feelings, make her doubt how attracted to her you are, and make yourself look like an ass.

A: One vote against, and worth considering! I’m not prepared to guarantee that this request will only hurt her feelings or convince her that her partner’s not attracted to her, but it’s also true that no matter how noncommittally the letter writer frames his request, it doesn’t take place in a cultural or social vacuum, and their partner may very well be burned out on other people’s requests and opinions and preferences when it comes to makeup, especially from men they’re dating.

Comments

[ekaterinn]

The little mascara bit got to me too - that shows how little he thinks about makeup other than it can look pretty. Mascara is such a bugbear to put on properly and I haven't put on any for years. (Generally wear a foundation that doubles as SPF, a bit of blush, and sparkly eye-shadow because I love that).

[sathari]

:D! Thanks for the cosign--- as you say, it shows just how little he understands what-all goes into putting on makeup. Riffing off katiedid717's comment above about men who have sisters having more of a clue about how makeup works, I suspect LW has never seen a woman put on makeup, and if he raises the subject with his GF she should invite him to come along for the entire process--- from shopping for the stuff (with attention to how much it costs, and also any allergies or other skin issues she has) through applying it, through removing it.

And, okay, you didn't ask for all this in your inbox and maybe this should be a top-level comment, but the guy doesn't seem to have a clue why asking a woman to wear makeup is sexist, and the above part of "do you have any clue what goes into that process" seems likely to be a piece of that.

[azurelunatic]

Yeah, even when I am doing All The Makeup, mascara is last on the list. I only buy tiny dollar store mascaras, because by the time I'm ready to wear mascara again, at least six months will have passed (statistically speaking).

(I generally wear nothing or lip balm, if I'm doing any makeup-makeup it's lipstick and maybe concealer, and from there I add eyeliner, eye shadow, eyebrow stuff, sometimes highlighter. Glitter is also on the list but occupies a separate category.)

[minoanmiss]

Have you tried edible glitter? It dissolves in water for easier cleanup!

[azurelunatic]

I have a little vial of that and some cake decorating pearl powder somewhere. I found it to be a little more subdued than most of my other glitters.

(We do have a Roomba.)