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Moving Away or Staying Near Family
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I live in LA (where I grew up) in a small single-bedroom rented house. Our two young children sleep in our former dining room, and we have two dogs, too. After the harrowing fire season of 2020, we impulsively took a leap and bought (sight unseen) a 12-acre homestead with a three- (the luxury!!!) bedroom house in Maine, in an area I know and love from spending many magical childhood summers there. At the time it felt like an insurance policy against the climate risks of California in an imagined distant future, but as we’ve visited the homestead in the years since our hurried purchase, we’re more and more inclined to move to Maine full time, ideally in the next few years (before our older child starts elementary school).
It would be a big move, requiring us to learn new skills and probably necessitating changes in both of our very urban careers, but we feel ready and excited. The problem? I’m a member of the sandwich generation and the elder half of my sandwich wants me to stay in LA. My father is in his 70’s, living alone in the four-bedroom multi-story house that I grew up in, and my godmother is in her 80’s, living alone in a four-bedroom multi-story house. Neither has any intention of downsizing, leaving California, or creating any infrastructure to age safely in place, despite having the financial means to do so. Neither has any living family or much of a support system in town beyond me (my sister lives in Northern California and is not the caregiving kind).
I’m the on-call person to take them to appointments, arrange repairs and maintenance for their houses, help with technology and paperwork, make grocery runs—you name it—plus weekly social visits with each of them. I’ve gently asked them both if they’d consider moving with us if we “ever” moved to Maine. The answer is a resounding “No thanks.” What do I do? We want to make a new life for ourselves and our children, but I can’t imagine leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I know by the way they react whenever we leave town to visit Maine that they would consider the move an abandonment or a betrayal and may even (this is awful to voice, but of no small consequence) punitively change their estate planning to punish me for moving.
On the other hand, as my therapist pointed out to me, if I postpone the move indefinitely to care for them, I might become resentful of them for stopping me from living the life I want to live. This would make my caretaking less sincere and put my relationship with them at risk, regardless of my proximity. Worth noting: they both moved across the country from their parents at 18 and never looked back. I wish they wouldn’t hold it against me for contemplating a move in my early 40’s, especially when I would look back (and visit!) lovingly and often.
—Stuck in a Sandwich
Dear Stuck,
Live your life—move to Maine. Your father and godmother will manage. Either they will finally downsize or employ helpers as needed (or both)—or they will decide to move to Maine along with (or soon after) you. They have choices. They are not helpless (old does not mean incapable, incompetent, or without agency). You are not condemning these people you love to a life of lonely desperation; you are neither abandoning nor betraying them (and if they feel you are, that’s for them to deal with, not you—and if they tell you that you are, you need to steel yourself against being manipulated).
The only part of your letter that gave me pause was the bit about their “estate planning.” Here’s a good rule about how to live your life: do not make important life decisions based on whether people you love will or won’t leave you their money when they die. If you stay in California because you fear being cut out of their wills—and/or if they use their bequests as leverage in their relationships with you—then we are talking about a financial arrangement, not ties of love and a sense of duty. I understand (reading between the lines) that you have been counting on their money. Please don’t. It’s distasteful.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/moving-away-or-staying-near-family-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
My husband and I live in LA (where I grew up) in a small single-bedroom rented house. Our two young children sleep in our former dining room, and we have two dogs, too. After the harrowing fire season of 2020, we impulsively took a leap and bought (sight unseen) a 12-acre homestead with a three- (the luxury!!!) bedroom house in Maine, in an area I know and love from spending many magical childhood summers there. At the time it felt like an insurance policy against the climate risks of California in an imagined distant future, but as we’ve visited the homestead in the years since our hurried purchase, we’re more and more inclined to move to Maine full time, ideally in the next few years (before our older child starts elementary school).
It would be a big move, requiring us to learn new skills and probably necessitating changes in both of our very urban careers, but we feel ready and excited. The problem? I’m a member of the sandwich generation and the elder half of my sandwich wants me to stay in LA. My father is in his 70’s, living alone in the four-bedroom multi-story house that I grew up in, and my godmother is in her 80’s, living alone in a four-bedroom multi-story house. Neither has any intention of downsizing, leaving California, or creating any infrastructure to age safely in place, despite having the financial means to do so. Neither has any living family or much of a support system in town beyond me (my sister lives in Northern California and is not the caregiving kind).
I’m the on-call person to take them to appointments, arrange repairs and maintenance for their houses, help with technology and paperwork, make grocery runs—you name it—plus weekly social visits with each of them. I’ve gently asked them both if they’d consider moving with us if we “ever” moved to Maine. The answer is a resounding “No thanks.” What do I do? We want to make a new life for ourselves and our children, but I can’t imagine leaving them behind to fend for themselves. I know by the way they react whenever we leave town to visit Maine that they would consider the move an abandonment or a betrayal and may even (this is awful to voice, but of no small consequence) punitively change their estate planning to punish me for moving.
On the other hand, as my therapist pointed out to me, if I postpone the move indefinitely to care for them, I might become resentful of them for stopping me from living the life I want to live. This would make my caretaking less sincere and put my relationship with them at risk, regardless of my proximity. Worth noting: they both moved across the country from their parents at 18 and never looked back. I wish they wouldn’t hold it against me for contemplating a move in my early 40’s, especially when I would look back (and visit!) lovingly and often.
—Stuck in a Sandwich
Dear Stuck,
Live your life—move to Maine. Your father and godmother will manage. Either they will finally downsize or employ helpers as needed (or both)—or they will decide to move to Maine along with (or soon after) you. They have choices. They are not helpless (old does not mean incapable, incompetent, or without agency). You are not condemning these people you love to a life of lonely desperation; you are neither abandoning nor betraying them (and if they feel you are, that’s for them to deal with, not you—and if they tell you that you are, you need to steel yourself against being manipulated).
The only part of your letter that gave me pause was the bit about their “estate planning.” Here’s a good rule about how to live your life: do not make important life decisions based on whether people you love will or won’t leave you their money when they die. If you stay in California because you fear being cut out of their wills—and/or if they use their bequests as leverage in their relationships with you—then we are talking about a financial arrangement, not ties of love and a sense of duty. I understand (reading between the lines) that you have been counting on their money. Please don’t. It’s distasteful.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/09/moving-away-or-staying-near-family-parenting-advice-from-care-and-feeding.html
no subject
Calling it "distasteful" makes sense to me, even if it's not the word I'd choose; the LW is suggesting shaping their decisions in large part around just waiting for someone to die -- someone they supposedly care about. That breeds resentment on both sides, and I can't see how it would ever be a good idea for the relationship, if nothing else. There's a reason that hanging around waiting for an inheritance is a trope of mystery novels.
Don't get me wrong, in some cases that's all you can get out of a relationship. I'm not sure that I'd hang around waiting for someone to die if I had other choices like moving to a bigger place in Maine, but in some cases that's all you've got. But in this case, it's supposedly framed as a relationship in which they care, so... hm.