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agonyaunt2022-08-24 11:25 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-08-24 11:25 am
Entry tags:
How to Do it: I feel my wife is not as accomplished as she thinks she is.
Actual title below cut.
My Wife Says She’s Always Been Told She’s Great at Oral Sex. Uh …
Dear How to Do It,
I have been with my partner for eight years (two of them married). Like most men, I enjoy oral sex, both giving and receiving, but in our relationship, this is very rare (receiving). I have had previous partners who I have really enjoyed getting oral from and from speaking to my partner she has said that before we got together she used to get compliments when she gave oral. The truth is as much as I enjoy receiving oral, I just don’t enjoy it with her. Over the years that we have been together, I give her oral a lot more than she has given me oral. What can I do to approach this subject without upsetting her?
—Curious Husband
Dear Curious,
I’m not sure I understand what you’re after here. You want more oral sex but you don’t like the way your partner gives it to you? The one-two of “I want more oral, but I also want you to change the way you do it” is a pretty tough combination. Despite this, I think it’s better to address both at the same time. The fact that you’ve been together for eight years and don’t seem to have mentioned wanting your partner to change her tactics means this discussion will probably be a surprise for her. Best to get everything out in the open all at once.
I have some bad news. There’s no way to guarantee that your wife won’t be upset. You can absolutely set yourself up for success by owning your lack of communication with something like, “I didn’t know how to broach this subject with you, so I didn’t, and now I need to express that I want more oral than I’ve been getting and I want it done differently than your usual approach.” Or, “If I’d communicated earlier, I might have been getting the kind of oral I want this whole time.” You’ll also want to have specific suggestions. Do you want more suction? More spit? A stronger squeezing of the shaft? Be prepared to tell her exactly what you’d like her to do.
As always, choose your time wisely. Do you have enough time to cover the subject and work through any big emotions? Make sure everyone’s biological needs have been taken care of—nobody needs to go to the bathroom, the room is comfortable, and nobody needs to eat. Start by marking your commitment to the relationship and love for her. Good luck.
My Wife Says She’s Always Been Told She’s Great at Oral Sex. Uh …
Dear How to Do It,
I have been with my partner for eight years (two of them married). Like most men, I enjoy oral sex, both giving and receiving, but in our relationship, this is very rare (receiving). I have had previous partners who I have really enjoyed getting oral from and from speaking to my partner she has said that before we got together she used to get compliments when she gave oral. The truth is as much as I enjoy receiving oral, I just don’t enjoy it with her. Over the years that we have been together, I give her oral a lot more than she has given me oral. What can I do to approach this subject without upsetting her?
—Curious Husband
Dear Curious,
I’m not sure I understand what you’re after here. You want more oral sex but you don’t like the way your partner gives it to you? The one-two of “I want more oral, but I also want you to change the way you do it” is a pretty tough combination. Despite this, I think it’s better to address both at the same time. The fact that you’ve been together for eight years and don’t seem to have mentioned wanting your partner to change her tactics means this discussion will probably be a surprise for her. Best to get everything out in the open all at once.
I have some bad news. There’s no way to guarantee that your wife won’t be upset. You can absolutely set yourself up for success by owning your lack of communication with something like, “I didn’t know how to broach this subject with you, so I didn’t, and now I need to express that I want more oral than I’ve been getting and I want it done differently than your usual approach.” Or, “If I’d communicated earlier, I might have been getting the kind of oral I want this whole time.” You’ll also want to have specific suggestions. Do you want more suction? More spit? A stronger squeezing of the shaft? Be prepared to tell her exactly what you’d like her to do.
As always, choose your time wisely. Do you have enough time to cover the subject and work through any big emotions? Make sure everyone’s biological needs have been taken care of—nobody needs to go to the bathroom, the room is comfortable, and nobody needs to eat. Start by marking your commitment to the relationship and love for her. Good luck.
no subject
No one is a mind-reader — I thanked a partner who I’d been with for quite some time, when they asked if I’d stay really slow and gentle during an activity where most people tend to increase speed/intensity toward the end, because it was overstimulating FOR THEM.
That frankness allowed me to be a better lover and partner to *this individual person*, because I wasn’t going to argue that other people liked it another way, and opened up a lot of leisurely, non-orgasm-chasing play that we both really enjoyed.
I genuinely am grateful that my partner gave me the info I needed to make sex better for both of us.
(We always had an excellent and mutually-enjoyable sex life, this just made it even better, because I had the info I needed on what felt best for this particular activity.)
And I’m someone who has gotten overall very complimentary feedback on being “good in bed,” but part of that is a willingness to be open to talking about it without shame, and being open to change without bruising my ego.
I hope the LW can broach this gently and frame it in positive terms, and that their partner takes it in the spirit of open communication and mutually improving their sex life as a couple.