Care & Feeding: My Teenage Daughter Is Being Accused of Bullying—I Think Her Teammate Is Just Weak

[minoanmiss]

I feel like the real world will eat this girl alive.

I’m a dad to a 14-year-old girl who plays on a high-level club basketball team, and yesterday we were pulled aside by her coach who accused her of bullying another girl on the team.

At first, I was shocked because that’s not like my daughter to behave that way, but when I dug deeper, I learned she was just trying to motivate one of the lazier girls on the team. My daughter is fiery and competitive, but she’s not a bully. I played college basketball, and I dealt with a lot of teammates who would get in my face if I wasn’t performing well, and I didn’t complain about being bullied. Apparently, my daughter has reduced this girl to tears on multiple occasions, but my kid just wants to win. I feel like her teammate needs to toughen up a bit or else the real world will eat her alive. My daughter is a great kid who gets along well with others, but she’s also very competitive. I don’t want her to change because I think she will become a great CEO one day. Am I wrong for thinking my daughter isn’t the problem?

—Tough, Not a Bully

Throughout my upbringing as a basketball player, I dealt with my share of former teammates who behaved like your daughter. I despised them then, and I have less than fond feelings about them today due to what they put me through. On some days, it was yelling in my face, on other days it was enduring incessant ridiculing on road trips, and on many days, they would go to my teammates and tell them not to pass me the ball under any circumstances—and that’s just the “light” stuff I experienced. I spent many private moments in tears, I dealt with depression, and even considered quitting the game I loved because of it.

I persevered to the point where I also played college basketball and was the captain of my team as a senior, but the road to get there was a horrible one due to some of the people I encountered along the way. One thing I promised myself is I would never lead my team in a way that would make other players feel unworthy or unsafe, and I kept that commitment throughout that season, in my current role as a business owner, and as a parent to two young female basketball players.

The reason I’m telling you this story is I’m feeling a sense of post-traumatic stress disorder when I hear about how your daughter is behaving towards her teammate, because I’ve been there. Trust me, if this kid is getting her coach involved, it probably means it’s an issue that needs to be addressed. To answer your question, it is wrong to think your daughter isn’t the problem here, because she clearly is. You may be the problem as well if you think it’s OK to judge a child by calling her “lazy.”

This isn’t 30 years ago. It’s not acceptable anymore to yell at others like Neanderthals to get our point across. Nowadays we understand that motivation doesn’t need to be toxic and harmful. Toughness isn’t about being a jerk—it’s about being supportive during tough times and helping others weather the storm of adversity. It’s a shame that more people aren’t aware of that.

You said your daughter wants to be a CEO one day, right? You should use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter that there are more effective ways to be a good leader than what she’s doing now. A perfect example of that is Sean McVay, head coach of the defending Super Bowl champion Los Angeles Rams. He is living proof that you can be highly successful without disparaging others.

Please wake up and get your daughter to realize she’s heading down a toxic path before it’s too late. Nice people really don’t finish last.

—Doyin

Comments

[purlewe]

Everytime I leave their house I spend like an hour in my head talking to myself about how some people might not be smart in say.. math or books but really smart in like say sports or painting or memorizing players stats (my cousin has like 5 decades of sports stats in his skull. he is now a sports reporter for a small paper and he uses those stats all the time) or say political negotiations or culturally smart or or or..... and I get mad all over again how this really gifted kid acts like the world is beneath their shoe and I, as an adult in their life really should address this. But HOW?

[p_cocincinus]

My kid's school is based around the theory of Multiple Intelligences, which is very much in line with your thoughts - there are different kinds of being smart, and different ways of being smart, and one of the benefits of her school emphasizing and teaching the different intelligences is that there are places for every kid to shine, and places for every kid to struggle, and no subject is more "real" or more important than any other. Maybe your friend's kid needs some exposure to a subject or subjects that are hard for them - a team sport, or a creative endeavor, or a class in social-emotional learning - to make them aware of the fact that there are things in the world they are going to have a hard time with, and that's okay. (Also, from the perspective of a former "gifted kid" who never had to put much effort into doing well in school, and who therefore never learned how to practice something to improve at it, and quickly moved into a space where I didn't do things I wasn't immediately good at because everyone expected me to be good at everything all the time and didn't give me space to be bad at anything... the earlier this kid finds something hard that they have to actually work at to improve, the more helpful it will be for the rest of their life.)

[likeaduck]

This resonates. And I'd suggest, there's a piece around validating trying and failing, or trying and improving, and the act of putting effort in itself, that's important.

[goljerp]

Yeah, this is a tough problem. One thought is that if the kid goes to a really good college, they'll be exposed to other really smart people... but it might not help by then. Maybe just by continuing to visit with friends/kid and saying stuff like you've said above, you'll be a positive influence? (Obviously it needs to be in context). Or (coming back to the original topic, sort of) point out that people are more easily persuaded/motivated to do stuff and listen to you when you treat them well, rather than like pond scum.

[hashiveinu]

Do you know an adult who's as smart as or smarter than they are, who doesn't have a superiority complex, that they might be able to respect and listen to?

[purlewe]

no? not really. When I hang out with the kid I find that it is usually one on one or with their family. I know the kind of people they respect but they tend to be actual celebrities and not physically in their life. But this is a good question.

Partly I hope that is is a early/younger teen phase. The problem being they have skipped several grades and are graduating next year at 15. I know that lots of teenagers think they are the center of the universe but grow out of it. I am hoping that this is that.

My wife was one of those big fish in a little pond folks. But she always knew she was in a little pond. Kid isn't in a little pond but definitely thinks and acts like they are the only fish there. bc other kids aren't even fish to them just single celled organisms.

I probably have to step up my time with them and see if I can start helping with some empathy. fingers crossed.

[hashiveinu]

I know that lots of teenagers think they are the center of the universe but grow out of it. I am hoping that this is that.

Unfortunately, this is a specifically "gifted" flavor of this problem, and some people never outgrow it. (Ever read the horrific fanfic Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality? The version of Harry in this fanfic thinks everyone but him is an NPC. The author is a full grown adult, and Harry is not especially meant as an unreliable narrator. The author's social group is full of people who think this way.)

A lot of people develop this type of thinking in part as a defense mechanism - they're excluded and bullied for being weird, and they decide that it doesn't matter because the people who do it are too stupid for their opinions to count anyway. And/or they develop this attitude because their parents had this attitude toward them: their parents only value them for performing intelligence and constantly point out how superior they supposedly are to "normal" kids. (Hi, Dad.)

I wish I had an easy solution.