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agonyaunt2022-07-25 11:31 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-07-25 11:31 am
Dear Prudence: Two on Child Custody
First: My Girlfriend Put Her Little Sister in Foster Care When Their Parents Died.
Dear Prudence,
I have been dating “Rowan” for almost six months. I knew Rowan had lost her parents really young, but I just now found out she has a sister. Basically, their dad died in an accident when Rowan was 13 and her sister “Rue” was a baby. Then when Rowan was 20, their mom got cancer and died a year later. Rue was 8 and Rowan allowed her to be put in foster care. Rowan wasn’t in college or anything, she’d been working and supporting herself since 18. She says child services tried to place Rue with her, and she said no. She says Rue was a nice, normal kid and she didn’t hate her or anything. She just wanted to enjoy her twenties instead of raising a kid.
Rowan seems to think this was a totally normal and okay choice to make, and doesn’t get why I’m horrified. Currently Rowan and Rue are in touch but not close. Rue aged out of the foster system a year or so ago. She’s getting by on her own, although from the sound of things she’s possibly some kind of sex worker. Rowan doesn’t seem to want to discuss Rue. I can intuit, though, that Rue blames her for how hard her life was in the system and is now, but Rowan doesn’t accept that blame.
My biggest issue is I’m about 70 percent sure I’m going to want at least one kid in the next 10-ish years. Before I found out about Rue, Rowan had said she’d be down with that. But is there really any chance she’d be an okay mom? Do I need to worry about her abandoning our kid if something happened to me? How can I begin to talk to her about this? And should I even try? Or is someone who would do what she did, and still defend it years later, a terrible person I can maybe enjoy sexytimes with, but shouldn’t plan a long-term relationship?
— Aghast in Atlanta
Dear Aghast in Atlanta,
What Rowan did in her 20s isn’t necessarily an indicator of what she’d do in her 30s, should a kid enter the picture, but I don’t think the issue is about potential problems as much as it’s about current ones. You’ve got to ask yourself if this action is a deal breaker for you because it occurred, not because of what it connotes. Rowan has been through a lot and it’s hard, if not impossible, to put yourself in her mindset when she was 20. But the choice indicates a big difference in the ways that you two see the world. You owe it to yourself to ask if this difference is insurmountable. Now, you’ve only been dating six months and your potential kid is perhaps a decade away, so there’s a lot of ground to cover between then and now. But this incident is popping up as a red flag for you and you should work through it. This is tricky, because Rowan may feel that you’re using her personal tragedy against her. For this reason, it might be helpful to have this conversation with a couple’s therapist, who can help keep you both in the present, rather than the past or the future.
Second: I Think I’m About to Enter a Nasty Custody Battle … With My Mother.
Q. Older Sister: My mother “Stella” had me at 15. My grandparents raised me, and Stella was gone for most of my childhood. She got married when I was 15 and had my half-sister “Jane.” I went to school out of state and didn’t see much of Jane until her dad died when she was 10. Stella reacted poorly—she dumped Jane at my grandparents for four months without any contact. I moved back in to help with Jane. We got very close.
Stella showed up again and promised to seek grief counseling. What she actually did was join a support group and immediately remarry a widower with three younger kids. She adopted the younger two. Jane didn’t react well. She fought with everyone and even ran away once, and her grades tanked. And last month, I got a hysterical phone call from Jane…
Her stepfather hit her. I couldn’t reach Stella at all. So I drove five hours to get Jane. The right side of her face was completely swollen. I told Jane to pack a bag and come with me. Stella tried to stop me and “explain.” I told her Jane could come with me now or we could get the authorities involved. Jane has been staying with me ever since, and she wants to stay permanently. Her other grandparents live out of state and want Jane to live with them. Stella keeps making excuses about what happened and blaming Jane for acting out.
Our last conversation she told me I couldn’t possibly be ready to be a mother; I told her I couldn’t be a worse one than she was to me. I am not sure if I am ready for this. I live alone and work requires me to travel a lot. Jane needs security and supervision. We found a therapist, but summer is almost over. What should I do?
Your situation may not be an ideal one for Jane, but as you point out, it sounds like the best one available. For your part, you should make sure you have a strong enough support system to help you and to help Jane, if you two keep this arrangement going. For Jane’s part, you’ll want to reach out to the state to find out what your options are for obtaining custody. This would, of course, involve authorities, but you’re likely to find that that’s going to be your best option for accessing services, acting as Jane’s medical representative, getting her into school, etc. There are structures set up for situations like this—for instance, familial fostering—so see if you can take advantage of them.
Additionally, we had a question about guardianship come up last week and a few readers wrote in with information about guardianship assistance, which varies by state but which might also be able to help you and Jane. Here’s one website with information, with a big thank you to the reader who sent it in.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-assistance/?CWIGFunctionsaction=adoptionByState:main.getAnswersByQuestion&questionID=14
Dear Prudence,
I have been dating “Rowan” for almost six months. I knew Rowan had lost her parents really young, but I just now found out she has a sister. Basically, their dad died in an accident when Rowan was 13 and her sister “Rue” was a baby. Then when Rowan was 20, their mom got cancer and died a year later. Rue was 8 and Rowan allowed her to be put in foster care. Rowan wasn’t in college or anything, she’d been working and supporting herself since 18. She says child services tried to place Rue with her, and she said no. She says Rue was a nice, normal kid and she didn’t hate her or anything. She just wanted to enjoy her twenties instead of raising a kid.
Rowan seems to think this was a totally normal and okay choice to make, and doesn’t get why I’m horrified. Currently Rowan and Rue are in touch but not close. Rue aged out of the foster system a year or so ago. She’s getting by on her own, although from the sound of things she’s possibly some kind of sex worker. Rowan doesn’t seem to want to discuss Rue. I can intuit, though, that Rue blames her for how hard her life was in the system and is now, but Rowan doesn’t accept that blame.
My biggest issue is I’m about 70 percent sure I’m going to want at least one kid in the next 10-ish years. Before I found out about Rue, Rowan had said she’d be down with that. But is there really any chance she’d be an okay mom? Do I need to worry about her abandoning our kid if something happened to me? How can I begin to talk to her about this? And should I even try? Or is someone who would do what she did, and still defend it years later, a terrible person I can maybe enjoy sexytimes with, but shouldn’t plan a long-term relationship?
— Aghast in Atlanta
Dear Aghast in Atlanta,
What Rowan did in her 20s isn’t necessarily an indicator of what she’d do in her 30s, should a kid enter the picture, but I don’t think the issue is about potential problems as much as it’s about current ones. You’ve got to ask yourself if this action is a deal breaker for you because it occurred, not because of what it connotes. Rowan has been through a lot and it’s hard, if not impossible, to put yourself in her mindset when she was 20. But the choice indicates a big difference in the ways that you two see the world. You owe it to yourself to ask if this difference is insurmountable. Now, you’ve only been dating six months and your potential kid is perhaps a decade away, so there’s a lot of ground to cover between then and now. But this incident is popping up as a red flag for you and you should work through it. This is tricky, because Rowan may feel that you’re using her personal tragedy against her. For this reason, it might be helpful to have this conversation with a couple’s therapist, who can help keep you both in the present, rather than the past or the future.
Second: I Think I’m About to Enter a Nasty Custody Battle … With My Mother.
Q. Older Sister: My mother “Stella” had me at 15. My grandparents raised me, and Stella was gone for most of my childhood. She got married when I was 15 and had my half-sister “Jane.” I went to school out of state and didn’t see much of Jane until her dad died when she was 10. Stella reacted poorly—she dumped Jane at my grandparents for four months without any contact. I moved back in to help with Jane. We got very close.
Stella showed up again and promised to seek grief counseling. What she actually did was join a support group and immediately remarry a widower with three younger kids. She adopted the younger two. Jane didn’t react well. She fought with everyone and even ran away once, and her grades tanked. And last month, I got a hysterical phone call from Jane…
Her stepfather hit her. I couldn’t reach Stella at all. So I drove five hours to get Jane. The right side of her face was completely swollen. I told Jane to pack a bag and come with me. Stella tried to stop me and “explain.” I told her Jane could come with me now or we could get the authorities involved. Jane has been staying with me ever since, and she wants to stay permanently. Her other grandparents live out of state and want Jane to live with them. Stella keeps making excuses about what happened and blaming Jane for acting out.
Our last conversation she told me I couldn’t possibly be ready to be a mother; I told her I couldn’t be a worse one than she was to me. I am not sure if I am ready for this. I live alone and work requires me to travel a lot. Jane needs security and supervision. We found a therapist, but summer is almost over. What should I do?
Your situation may not be an ideal one for Jane, but as you point out, it sounds like the best one available. For your part, you should make sure you have a strong enough support system to help you and to help Jane, if you two keep this arrangement going. For Jane’s part, you’ll want to reach out to the state to find out what your options are for obtaining custody. This would, of course, involve authorities, but you’re likely to find that that’s going to be your best option for accessing services, acting as Jane’s medical representative, getting her into school, etc. There are structures set up for situations like this—for instance, familial fostering—so see if you can take advantage of them.
Additionally, we had a question about guardianship come up last week and a few readers wrote in with information about guardianship assistance, which varies by state but which might also be able to help you and Jane. Here’s one website with information, with a big thank you to the reader who sent it in.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-assistance/?CWIGFunctionsaction=adoptionByState:main.getAnswersByQuestion&questionID=14
no subject
That said, there's a lot of space between "I am the legal guardian of this child with all the responsibilities pertaining" and "I have nothing whatsoever to do with this child". Did Rowan blow off her sister as soon as sister went into foster care, or did she make an effort to stay in contact? Did she reassess her situation every couple of years and actively decide that she still couldn't provide Rue a home, or was Rue never a factor in her plans?
And that said -- LW1, unless Rowan is utterly fabulous in every other way that matters to you, I'd skip the couples counselling and break up. If you'd been together for a couple years, counselling would make sense, but you haven't even been dating for six months yet. (But if you do want to keep up the sexytimes and you're a penis-haver, condoms condoms condoms. Don't risk creating a child with someone you don't trust to be a co-parent.)
no subject
Though it's pretty weird (or maybe that's just me) to be thinking about 'offspring within the next 10 years' in the context of 'person I have been dating for under six months and whose family background I am only just learning about'.
no subject
I don't think LW is specifically thinking "I want kids with Rowan within the next ten years", but more the general "I want kids within the next ten years" and weighing this relationship against that.