Dear Prudence: My Daughter Turned to Her MIL for Help, Not Me!

[minoanmiss]

I just found out that my grandson was diagnosed with a serious illness and instead of telling me, my daughter went to her mother-in-law first! She’s been coordinating babysitting and hospital transit for them for three weeks before anyone thought to tell me about my own grandson. When I tried to set up a schedule to streamline things and get them the right help, my daughter boxed me out. I was so hurt. She claims I chose her brother over her when the grandkids were babies. But that’s not how it was.

My free-spirited son struggled a lot with becoming a dad (it isn’t a role that plays to his strengths, and he felt a lot of shame around not being the primary breadwinner). My daughter has always been responsible so I knew she would be fine. Because I knew they had different needs, I said yes to different things: child care and financial help for my son, and a more laid-back approach for my daughter because she didn’t need the help. Now, she told me I’m only allowed to come to see them during hospital visiting hours, while her MIL comes to the house, spends tons of time with her, while she ignores my calls and drop-by visits. She’s punishing me for being a fair mom by choosing her MIL over me, and I don’t know how to help her see sense.

A: While your intentions with your son were kind and generous, I wonder how many times your daughter has felt overlooked simply because she wasn’t a squeaky wheel. It’s a hard situation for you to be in, I know, but it’s clear she doesn’t feel the treatment was fair. This is something that you two can work through, but it won’t happen now. Now she’s in crisis mode and she’s trying to help her own son. And pushing the boundary that she’s established won’t do anything to aid the situation. I’d suggest you help when you’re invited to help for now and don’t push the matter. Whatever you do, don’t try to “help her see sense.” It’s going to come off as self-serving and will probably push her further away. When conditions improve and your daughter is in a place to have a conversation, then invite her to talk about the disparity she’s felt in the way you treated her and her brother. But when you do have that conversation, go in ready to hear her experience and accept that while it may not have been your intention, it is the way she felt.

Comments

[shanaqui]

My free-spirited son struggled a lot with becoming a dad (it isn’t a role that plays to his strengths, and he felt a lot of shame around not being the primary breadwinner). My daughter has always been responsible so I knew she would be fine.

Sounds to me like someone has a favourite and they've made it clear. "Meh, my daughter will be fine with the lifechanging process of becoming a mother and being a parent"... listen to yourself, LW. Of course your daughter wanted your help too. You don't quite mention whether the two even became parents at the same time -- was it a zero-sum game? Or could you have offered the support even if your daughter didn't need it?

[cereta]

In her mid-eighties, forty years after the fact, my mother has slowly realized that I got very little attention, positive or negative, after my father died, simply because I didn't "need" it. In my early fifties, forty years after the fact, as I raise my only child, I've slowly realized that you know, it might have been nice to get, say, a dinner out when I got named one of two National Merit finalists at my school,* or just a little praise for consistently getting good grades and not getting in trouble. I realized in a conversation with my younger brother a week ago that he, and most likely all my siblings, had no idea that I was in a pilot accelerated math program, and placed 14th in the state on a contest algebra test in high school.** I had no idea until I found the certificates ten years after the fact. I mean, I must have known, but I'm honestly not sure I even told my mother at the time.

(I am, however, never getting over my mom letting my older brother demand that she stop helping pay for my college halfway through my junior year, because that was when he had flunked out, and she didn't pay when he started at another school three years later.)

But, yeah: when my mom says, "I guess I didn't give you much attention," and all I can say is, "I didn't really need it," I'm really lying. I guarantee that daughter is keenly aware just what her mother's idea of "fair" was.

*And yes, that and $5 will get me a cup of coffee today, but at the time, is was a pretty big deal. My godmother saw it in the paper and sent me flowers.
** And yes, it was just an algebra test, but my self esteem is kind of in the toilet right now, so gimme this one.

[minoanmiss]

i will TOTALLY give you that one. When I made NAtional Merit Scholar my parents paraded me in front of my dad's coworkers and it was hella embarassing but at least they APPRECIATED that I accomplished something. I wish I could give you a slice of that.

(Your brother made your mother ztop paying for you going to college. I want to sell him for barbecue.)

[akamarykate]

I will give you that one as well! It's a hell of an accomplishment and your godmother was on the right track with those flowers.

When I made National Merit, my mom said, "Oh, that's great, honey," and my dad said, "Keep it up." Which was baffling because...it was kind of an endpoint, you know? Or maybe he was thinking of what I'd need to do in college to keep a scholarship--no pressure or anything. No dinners or flowers. I had the impression that their biggest emotion was relief that they wouldn't have to pay my college tuition.

I can't compare it to how they treated any of my 6 younger siblings, because I was the only one who had that particular accomplishment. If they had, though, I would have noticed the differences in reactions and treatment, just like LW's daughter.

[conuly]

(I am, however, never getting over my mom letting my older brother demand that she stop helping pay for my college halfway through my junior year, because that was when he had flunked out, and she didn't pay when he started at another school three years later.)

Please don't ever get over that, it's awful. From both of them.

[gingicat]

OMG your mother (and your brother) deserve a non-contagious rash on their private parts that never goes away. (This exists.)

[lassarina]

Absolutely own that! You earned it!

Achievement deserves recognition, and effort deserves reward. I'm sorry your mother couldn't see that.

(Also may your brother step on a lego and may the milk have always just gone off when he wants a bowl of cereal. "I fucked up and flunked out so you should also punish my sibling who did not"? oh fuck that right in the eye.)