Pay Dirt: I Pressured My Wife To Work. Now I Regret It

[minoanmiss]

About a year ago, my wife and I had some hard discussions about her having to go to work to make ends meet financially. She had strong feelings about being a stay-at-home mom for our girls who are 8 and 12, while my position was from the financial side only. I was rather insensitive at the time in our discussions, which did not help matters.

Now, we have had a positive change in our finances, and she could leave her job and go back to being a stay-at-home mom, with our income staying where we need it to be to meet expenses and save for the future. However, she does not want to do that, as she has invested time and effort into finding a job, which I do understand. I feel that our girls need someone’s presence daily, before and after school, as well as during the summer months. Right now, I get the girls off to school in the morning, but there is no one home after school, and they will start having full days alone during the summer. Last, we are spending our family time just doing chores and catching up on things that used to be done during the week.

I want to be supportive but feel strongly that our girls need someone to be with them more than we are now. I would gladly do it, but I am unable due to being the primary earner. Is being concerned just showing how much of a caveman I am? How can we best work through this situation?

—Trying to Do the Right Thing




Dear Trying,

You’re not a caveman, but I think you fail to understand that people operate in two-income families with younger children all the time. Your girls are not being shortchanged because their mother decides to work. If anything, she is modeling something for your daughters that is important: that their mother’s agency and time matter just as much as yours.

If you feel like your daughters need someone to be with them more than you are, child care is an option. If your finances have changed for the better, you might also want to consider after-school programs that your girls might enjoy. There are plenty of summer programs your girls can participate in with other children, so they’re not spending the day alone during the summer either. In fact, they might prefer that over your wife staying home with them.

I would not pressure your wife to quit her job, though. It’s really her decision to make, and choosing to work or stay at home is not a minor thing. It’s life-altering, and your wife’s happiness matters here, too. You do not want her to resent you or your children because she feels like she has no choice in the matter.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

Another latchkey kid here. 8 and 12 seems plenty old enough to be left alone and find ways to amuse themselves in the afternoons.

I'm puzzled by how there's no mention of the kids' social life-- do they not have the ability to see their friends outside of structured activities?

Doing chores together seems like not too bad a use of family time. I guess LW used to think of it as their fun time, and now it's not?

[lilysea]

I'm puzzled by how there's no mention of the kids' social life-- do they not have the ability to see their friends outside of structured activities?

If their friends from school don't live within safe walking distance - remembering that many parts of the US

a) lack footpaths

b) don't have safe pedestrian crossings for busy roads

this might well be the case

[mommy]

I spent several years of my childhood living in a place several miles out of town with a street address that included Mile Marker [#], Highway 70. Sometimes kids really do live in the middle of nowhere with no access to other kids.