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agonyaunt2022-04-15 01:18 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2022-04-15 01:18 pm
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Dear Prudence: Help! The Woman I’ve Been Hooking Up With Is a Lot Smarter Than I Thought.
I’m not sure I can get over this.
I am a straight man in my 30s who has been friends with benefits with “Alice” for over a year. It’s been a good, safe pandemic arrangement; Alice is fun, cute, and it’s been nice to find someone I really enjoy hanging out with and enjoy sex with and is on the same page about not being in a relationship. Uncomplicated, is what it has been, I guess, until recently.
Alice has mentioned before that she writes, and recently shared that she’d sold a story for a little bit of money, and received an honorable mention in a contest. I got a weird feeling I couldn’t place. Alice directed me to some of her work, and I read it, and ended up searching and finding a lot of more of it. She’s really, really talented, much more than I had ever stopped to consider, and I don’t know why it bothers me to find story after story that she’s written. I scribble a bit, mostly stray thoughts and RPG game worldbuilding and character stuff, but I had never thought of publishing. It shouldn’t bother me that Alice has, or that her stuff is frankly so much better than I could ever dream of producing. But it has. I am jealous and intimidated and don’t know what to do. The cute lady I eat pizza with and watch movies with and fool around with is now … someone who has done something I never could and is, let’s face it, likely smarter than I am. I mean, I had never thought she was dumb by any stretch of the imagination before, and have always thought her to be intelligent and really witty and capable of having a good argument or discussion over lots of topics, but this seems different, like the proof is solid and obvious that I don’t compare. Is there any going back from this?
— Jealous FWB
Dear Jealous FWB,
Methinks the struggle you’re having is that, whether you knew it or not, you thought of Alice as a plaything. She was just a sex friend, which meant in your world she just existed for your pleasure. Such is the nature of friends with benefits sometimes, and as long as there’s mutual understanding, that’s all well and good. But it’s creating stress for you now because the rest of her life isn’t contributing to the whole “solely created to make you happy” thing you have going on.
Here’s the thing: Maybe you’re her plaything. My friend, she probably knew this from jump, and she’s okay with it. It works for her. So you have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to enjoy yourself casually and sexually with someone who is smarter than you. If intelligence is a big part of your self-conception, this may be a hang-up. However, it doesn’t sound like it really entered the picture before. Is it easier to not catch feelings for someone you think you’re smarter than? Do you not feel as virile now that you know about her professional success? This sounds like it’s wrapped up—as all sexual relationships are—in bigger and deeper questions about who you are and how you see yourself in the world. I’d suggest, however, that you give yourself the luxury of turning your brain off when you’re hanging out with Alice. Sometimes sex can be just sex.
I am a straight man in my 30s who has been friends with benefits with “Alice” for over a year. It’s been a good, safe pandemic arrangement; Alice is fun, cute, and it’s been nice to find someone I really enjoy hanging out with and enjoy sex with and is on the same page about not being in a relationship. Uncomplicated, is what it has been, I guess, until recently.
Alice has mentioned before that she writes, and recently shared that she’d sold a story for a little bit of money, and received an honorable mention in a contest. I got a weird feeling I couldn’t place. Alice directed me to some of her work, and I read it, and ended up searching and finding a lot of more of it. She’s really, really talented, much more than I had ever stopped to consider, and I don’t know why it bothers me to find story after story that she’s written. I scribble a bit, mostly stray thoughts and RPG game worldbuilding and character stuff, but I had never thought of publishing. It shouldn’t bother me that Alice has, or that her stuff is frankly so much better than I could ever dream of producing. But it has. I am jealous and intimidated and don’t know what to do. The cute lady I eat pizza with and watch movies with and fool around with is now … someone who has done something I never could and is, let’s face it, likely smarter than I am. I mean, I had never thought she was dumb by any stretch of the imagination before, and have always thought her to be intelligent and really witty and capable of having a good argument or discussion over lots of topics, but this seems different, like the proof is solid and obvious that I don’t compare. Is there any going back from this?
— Jealous FWB
Dear Jealous FWB,
Methinks the struggle you’re having is that, whether you knew it or not, you thought of Alice as a plaything. She was just a sex friend, which meant in your world she just existed for your pleasure. Such is the nature of friends with benefits sometimes, and as long as there’s mutual understanding, that’s all well and good. But it’s creating stress for you now because the rest of her life isn’t contributing to the whole “solely created to make you happy” thing you have going on.
Here’s the thing: Maybe you’re her plaything. My friend, she probably knew this from jump, and she’s okay with it. It works for her. So you have to ask yourself if you’ll be able to enjoy yourself casually and sexually with someone who is smarter than you. If intelligence is a big part of your self-conception, this may be a hang-up. However, it doesn’t sound like it really entered the picture before. Is it easier to not catch feelings for someone you think you’re smarter than? Do you not feel as virile now that you know about her professional success? This sounds like it’s wrapped up—as all sexual relationships are—in bigger and deeper questions about who you are and how you see yourself in the world. I’d suggest, however, that you give yourself the luxury of turning your brain off when you’re hanging out with Alice. Sometimes sex can be just sex.
no subject
Or pay a therapist to deal with those issues. (Given how much some of these advice columnists usually recommend therapy, even for things that I personally wouldn't deal with that way, I'm surprised this columnist didn't say it.)