agonyaunt | Ask a Manager: A coworker is upset that I won't be at a relative's funeral.

A close relative of mine recently passed away — a close enough relative (and I’m young enough) that the assumption would be that this was a shocking tragedy. My feelings about this person, our relationship, and their passing are extremely complicated in ways that are occasionally overwhelming, but don’t fit the expected parameters of “grieving family member.”

The funeral happens to conflict with an event at work. It’s not a particularly important event, but it’s related to a part of my job I genuinely enjoy, skipping it would be a hassle given my role, and frankly going to it sounds much more appealing than going to the funeral. I had intended to just not mention any of this at work and show up as normal, but I accidentally let something slip to a coworker and she ended up dragging out of me that the funeral was on this particular day. She was horrified that I thought that I couldn’t skip this event for the funeral (which I did NOT think — I genuinely don’t want to go to the funeral), and she insisted that I should take the day off.

I was having trouble expressing myself because I do get emotional when I’m talking about this person, but I really, really do not want to get into the details of this relationship with anyone at work. But also I don’t want people to think I’m some insane workaholic who skips a family funeral to attend a minor work thing. I’m assuming I can’t go to work like nothing’s happened now that my coworker knows, right? I don’t know if she’s told anyone else but it’s quite possible. Are my only options hiding in my house (and hoping no one notices that) or attending the funeral? Neither sound remotely appealing.

No! Handle the day however you want and if she asks you about it say, “It’s a complicated family situation that I don’t want to get into, but please trust that I’ve got it handled.” If she keeps pushing after that: “It’s not something I want to talk about at work. Thank you for understanding.”

Alternately, if it’s easier/less stressful for you, go ahead and tell her the funeral was moved to the weekend. She’s not entitled to details about it, and that may be the path of least resistance. (And if you do that and she still keeps inquiring you can say, “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not up for talking about it at work. I’m sure you understand.”)

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"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

The comments are already beginning to sort out between people who have experience of difficult family members and people who think the coworker is Just Being Kind and Making Sure LW can Go To The Funeral because Who Wouldn't Want To Go To The Funeral that's Just Unthinkable. Some people with happy families are brutally unsympathetic to those with more fraught families, I STG.

My strategy would be:

Day of funeral off work? YES.
Attend funeral: NO.
Instead: Care/support/therapy as desired/required.

But if the LW prefers to work the day and do care/support another time, they should do that!

That would me my choice too!

But it sounds like LW would actually like to be at work that day because there's a one-time event they would enjoy attending. I would be annoyed to feel like I had to skip helping to host the annual Dinosaurs are Awesome Day at work because I had to pretend to be at a funeral I didn't want to go to. And I would probably get better psych outcomes from stomping around in the T-Rex costume all day than sitting resentfully at home.

I totally change my strategy if there's a T-Rex costume in the offing, and would like to add it as an approved complex grief coping strategy.

Where do I sign up for this T-Rex stomping day? I would like to be included.

The T-Rex costume arrived as part of a concerted monthslong not entirely serious effort of several employees to convince our boss that it was *absolutely* necessary both for staff morale and to fulfill our mission in the community. If you have a boss who might be up for something a bit silly and an office budget with a little bit of flex, they are actually pretty cheap and the morale boost is disproportionate. :D

I can see how a coworker would think it's their business because it's easy for this sort of thing to creep until *everybody* feels like they are under pressure to skip a funeral for a minor work thing. I am constantly telling coworkers to take off for whatever and we will make do, because being loud about that is the only way to keep down *my* guilt over skipping out on them for any reason, and also a lot of staff *do* feel like they need to skip important life things for work (they don't). If coworker kept pushing after LW explained that she didn't feel pressured to skip the funeral, that coworker is being pushy and awful, but I can't tell if they did.

On the other hand this is absolutely not coworker's business.

I would probably have gone with something like, "Oh, no worries, the work event is just a convenient excuse to not have to go, the family situation is complicated!" and then refused to continue on that topic. But that's not going to work for everyone.

That's a really good point, not wanting to give other colleagues the impression that Chris worked through their close relative's funeral so therefore you should sacrifice as well.

But it's no wonder LW finds this coworker intrusive and judgmental, and stirring up their complex emotions about the deceased person.

I don't think LW should be at all obliged to take off for the funeral for that reason! But I think their job is very not the place to give the impression that they are skipping the funeral because they didn't want to miss work (save that for the horrible relatives) because it *is* bad for the coworkers and the workplace. And if I heard that people were being pressured by supervisors to skip family funerals for work, I would probably make it my business (at least long enough to confirm it's true.)

I also get that dealing with complicated emotions around the death of a close relative is going to make this hard to think through rationally, even if you think you don't care, so I don't judge them for not handling it perfectly!

But I also think they may be overestimating how much people will care if they just say they decided it was better not to go and they want to concentrate on work stuff right now. Some people might be massive assholes or gossips about that but I don't think the risk is as high as they're thinking right now, most people have at least one complicated relationship in their extended family.

I check in with junior employees in my company to make sure they feel empowered to take leave when they need to, but I think there’s a big difference between making sure they know they CAN take leave and telling them they SHOULD.

This this this this so much this (omg the AAM discussion is so frustrating)

The white lie explanation LW wants, even though it is literally none of their business, is:

It was pretty well known in my family that Relative and I did not get along and did not like each other, so I'm sparing the people who loved them my awkward presence at the funeral. I sent (flowers/a cookie box/a fruit basket), but I'd rather be here the day-of.

^^This^^. My current plan for dealing with funeral of relative currently in hospice care is pretty much this, plus mentioning the added personal danger of attending anything in public in the rural American South for medical and discrimination issues. 💔🔯🌈

The only part of the advice I don’t agree with is saying that the funeral moved to the weekend. Funeral home information is WAY too easy to find online, and LW will look even more sus if she’s discovered to have lied about it.

Otherwise, yeah, “It’s a complicated family situation” and “I’d rather not discuss it further,” ad infinitum.

Ask a Manager: A coworker is upset that I won't be at a relative's funeral.

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