Ask a Manager: A coworker is upset that I won't be at a relative's funeral.

[minoanmiss]

A close relative of mine recently passed away — a close enough relative (and I’m young enough) that the assumption would be that this was a shocking tragedy. My feelings about this person, our relationship, and their passing are extremely complicated in ways that are occasionally overwhelming, but don’t fit the expected parameters of “grieving family member.”


The funeral happens to conflict with an event at work. It’s not a particularly important event, but it’s related to a part of my job I genuinely enjoy, skipping it would be a hassle given my role, and frankly going to it sounds much more appealing than going to the funeral. I had intended to just not mention any of this at work and show up as normal, but I accidentally let something slip to a coworker and she ended up dragging out of me that the funeral was on this particular day. She was horrified that I thought that I couldn’t skip this event for the funeral (which I did NOT think — I genuinely don’t want to go to the funeral), and she insisted that I should take the day off.

I was having trouble expressing myself because I do get emotional when I’m talking about this person, but I really, really do not want to get into the details of this relationship with anyone at work. But also I don’t want people to think I’m some insane workaholic who skips a family funeral to attend a minor work thing. I’m assuming I can’t go to work like nothing’s happened now that my coworker knows, right? I don’t know if she’s told anyone else but it’s quite possible. Are my only options hiding in my house (and hoping no one notices that) or attending the funeral? Neither sound remotely appealing.

No! Handle the day however you want and if she asks you about it say, “It’s a complicated family situation that I don’t want to get into, but please trust that I’ve got it handled.” If she keeps pushing after that: “It’s not something I want to talk about at work. Thank you for understanding.”

Alternately, if it’s easier/less stressful for you, go ahead and tell her the funeral was moved to the weekend. She’s not entitled to details about it, and that may be the path of least resistance. (And if you do that and she still keeps inquiring you can say, “I appreciate your concern, but I’m not up for talking about it at work. I’m sure you understand.”)

Comments

[melannen]

That would me my choice too!

But it sounds like LW would actually like to be at work that day because there's a one-time event they would enjoy attending. I would be annoyed to feel like I had to skip helping to host the annual Dinosaurs are Awesome Day at work because I had to pretend to be at a funeral I didn't want to go to. And I would probably get better psych outcomes from stomping around in the T-Rex costume all day than sitting resentfully at home.

[likeaduck]

I totally change my strategy if there's a T-Rex costume in the offing, and would like to add it as an approved complex grief coping strategy.

[purlewe]

Where do I sign up for this T-Rex stomping day? I would like to be included.

[melannen]

The T-Rex costume arrived as part of a concerted monthslong not entirely serious effort of several employees to convince our boss that it was *absolutely* necessary both for staff morale and to fulfill our mission in the community. If you have a boss who might be up for something a bit silly and an office budget with a little bit of flex, they are actually pretty cheap and the morale boost is disproportionate. :D