amadi: A bouquet of dark purple roses (Default)
Amadi ([personal profile] amadi) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2016-04-28 03:10 pm

Dear Amy: Stepparent wants to give adult daughter the boot

Dear Amy: My wife's daughter (age 26) has lived with us for the past five years. She pays rent of $400, including everything. Her boyfriend of three years also lives with his parents, but he pays them no rent. They party every weekend, and then she stays the weekend at her boyfriend's parents house.

I added tougher rules at our house in hopes they would get a place of their own. It hasn't happened. We don't allow him to spend the night here and we insist that when we go to bed, he must go home. He bought her a "promise ring," I believe to keep her from nagging about their next step.

I love my stepdaughter, but as a parent I feel we need to give her a bigger push to move out and become self-sufficient. She talks about staying here until her school loan is paid off, but at the rate she's paying, it would be a decade before that happens.

I seriously believe her boyfriend has no intention of ever moving from his parents' house. It seems so strange to me that they don't seem to want a place of their own. I try and encourage our daughter to save money so that they could buy a house, but each time I bring it up, she gets defensive.

Any suggestions?

— Frustrated in Portland, OR

Dear Frustrated: The last thing you should do is encourage your stepdaughter to cohabit with her boyfriend. Nor should you point her/them toward buying a house. Her boyfriend sounds completely dependent on his parents, and you can assume that he will remain so.

These two are not candidates for cohabitation or homeownership.

The way to put the squeeze on your renter is to gradually increase her rent until she is paying roughly market value. Then it will be obvious that she can afford to live elsewhere. You can discuss this with her as a family, helping her to set goals and a timeline, and then you should start the clock running. Depending on where you live, she might be able to afford to rent a room in a group house. This would be a good option for her; it would get her further out in the world and might provide an incentive to work more, party less and get on with her (own) life. I assume she would prefer this to you and her mother controlling her romantic choices in your home.
shreena: (Default)

[personal profile] shreena 2016-05-02 10:02 am (UTC)(link)
This is true. But I don't think the LW is unreasonable in wanting to see some kind of plan. Right now, it's been 5 years and the step-daughter doesn't have a plan for moving out, she seems to want to live there indefinitely and I think the LW has every right not to be very keen on sharing a house with her forever.
shreena: (Default)

[personal profile] shreena 2016-05-02 06:11 pm (UTC)(link)
See, I don't think he really needs a reason - I think lots of people don't want to share a house with other adults. I don't think anyone would think that she needed a reason beyond "I want to live by myself/with my boyfriend" so why does he need a reason behind "I would prefer to live by myself with my wife"?

As I said, I got the impression that it wasn't so much that he had an issue living with her right now as that she seemed to have no plans at all ever to leave and living with her permanently wasn't something he wanted to do. I don't know that many parents who would be keen on that - setting aside the step-parent thing.