agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I didn’t tell my parents when I broke up with the girl I had been seeing for nearly two years. It was a friendly breakup, but I knew my parents, especially my mom, really liked her, and hoped we would stay together, and maybe even get married.

My mom called me last night and tore into me because she had run into my ex at the mall, and that is how she found out we weren’t together anymore. Not only is my mom disappointed, but she kept telling me how embarrassing it was to find out this way, by asking my ex when she and I would be coming over for dinner again.

Now I feel like a jerk, but I am also a grown man and do not think I have to tell my mommy every detail of my life. Am I wrong here? --- MY OWN BUSINESS

DEAR MY OWN BUSINESS: Yes, as an adult you’re entitled, and expected, to run your own life. But you also have to keep in mind that some aspects of your life spill over into other people’s as well. Not only was it awkward for your mom, but I’m betting it was no picnic for your ex-girlfriend either.

By keeping the breakup from your parents, you really accomplished nothing, because if your concern was upsetting your mom with unwelcome news, not only did she still hear it, but had the extra bonus of being put on the spot in a mutually unpleasant situation with your ex.

The takeaway here is that it’s generally better to break difficult news personally, and in a timely fashion.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2021/11/12

Threaded | Flat

The advice isn't bad, exactly, but LW already knows that keeping this secret was a strange thing to do. Unless he works out why he did it, the problem isn't solved.

As far as I can see, there are two likely possibilities. Either LW is not so over this "amicable" breakup as he's striving to make it sound and he secretly harbored hopes of getting back together before his parents found out - or there's something deeply wrong with his relationship with Mom and Dad that has historically made it difficult for him to be honest with them.

Only he knows which it is.

Yes to all of the above, but it sounds like LW did made his girlfriend a part of their family's life, doesn't seem to have kept his relationship away from their prying eyes, and I suppose he knew they could encounter each other randomly too, so it seems to me Conuly's first reason is the Missing Reason.

Edited 2021-11-14 10:17 (UTC)

How long after the breakup did this happen? I'm going to assume "nearly two years" is the length of the relationship, not the time since the breakup, since after that long probably mom wouldn't be expecting dinner anytime soon. So: was it two weeks, and despite the friendly breakup you're still licking your wounds and don't want to talk about it? Or was it three months and when your mom asked *you* about dinner/ex-gf you were vague or avoided giving relevant info? One of those is an awkward and unfortunate coincidence, and one is letting an inevitable timebomb of social awkwardness run down its clock.

Edited 2021-11-15 19:42 (UTC)

I mean, I'm with a lot of y'all here, but particularly

jadelennox. Yes, LW, you shoulda told your mom (unless it was like last week and you're still raw), and not doing so was a waiting for something awkward to happen. But yes, I get it - some conversations with your parents can be so excruciatingly exhausting that you just never want to do it. Belieeeeeve me I get it. There are a couple of topics that I dread talking with mum about, and I love her deeply and see her almost every day. Relationships, sex, and gender are the big ones. If your mom is of a background like mine, those are minefields. But sometimes the hole you walk around to avoid it is so big and obvious that you do have to point it out and have that hard conversation - because any other conversation about the hole will be even harder - because someone will have fallen in.

But, good news - this will pass, and you will have learned a thing or two about what conversations need to be had, and now you just need to figure out how to have them when the time comes. (You might also, as a side effect, have a better idea of what conversations don't need to be had, and how to avoid them.)