agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I didn’t tell my parents when I broke up with the girl I had been seeing for nearly two years. It was a friendly breakup, but I knew my parents, especially my mom, really liked her, and hoped we would stay together, and maybe even get married.

My mom called me last night and tore into me because she had run into my ex at the mall, and that is how she found out we weren’t together anymore. Not only is my mom disappointed, but she kept telling me how embarrassing it was to find out this way, by asking my ex when she and I would be coming over for dinner again.

Now I feel like a jerk, but I am also a grown man and do not think I have to tell my mommy every detail of my life. Am I wrong here? --- MY OWN BUSINESS

DEAR MY OWN BUSINESS: Yes, as an adult you’re entitled, and expected, to run your own life. But you also have to keep in mind that some aspects of your life spill over into other people’s as well. Not only was it awkward for your mom, but I’m betting it was no picnic for your ex-girlfriend either.

By keeping the breakup from your parents, you really accomplished nothing, because if your concern was upsetting your mom with unwelcome news, not only did she still hear it, but had the extra bonus of being put on the spot in a mutually unpleasant situation with your ex.

The takeaway here is that it’s generally better to break difficult news personally, and in a timely fashion.

https://www.uexpress.com/life/ask-someone-elses-mom/2021/11/12

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eh, I don't know if it's that much of a thing. I've put off telling my mum countless things, because she's intrusive and thinks everything I tell her is, well, a letter to an advice column. It's emotional laziness and an unwillingness to have the conversation or hurt the person who really wants to Have The Conversation™, not something deeply wrong.

I have no way of knowing with LW, but lots of people who love and respect our parents still don't particularly want to deal with sharing details with them. If LW just didn't want to have the inevitable fight with their mother -- "But Amira was so ~great~! You'll never meet a girl who puts up with your hangnails like she did! And when are you going to give me grandbabies?" -- that would explain this as much as something deeply wrong would.

*points upwards*

+½. (For those not familiar, I didn't tell my dad anything about

minoanmiss, although MM did get to meet my mom and they got along famously. I learned fairly early on to put my dad on a limited-information diet.)

This!!!^^^^^

Someone who doesn't tell their parents things does that because they've learned not to. This LW has just been taught not to tell his parents who they're dating. Like, at all.

Yep. I keep my mother on a low-information diet, because anything I share will become ammunition later.

I got MARRIED AND DIVORCED and never told her. (It was a courthouse wedding for health-insurance purposes, but still -- I was with that partner for 7 years!)

lol, my mother is apparently convinced, according my sister, that my partner and I have had a secret courthouse health insurance marriage years ago and not told her. Whether this is because she thinks she's on a much lower information diet than she actually is, or because she needs to believe we're married for her own peace of mind, nobody is sure. I just find it hilarious.

That IS kind of hilarious! :D

oh heck yeah. if i got divorced, my father would hear it through the grapevine, if at all.

The idea of fighting with my own mother over personal news like a breakup feels very odd to me. I would probably consider it some kind of crisis if that started to happen.

(We do occasionally have heated exchanges of opinion, but over things that both of us consider extremely important, for example some terrible stuff that upon reflection is a little beyond the scope of this comments section, and previously stuff like You Need To Tell Us You're Going Somewhere, Don't Just Disappear With The Car.)

With my mum it wouldn't be a fight, just exhausting. She really, really, really wants to give advice. And I'm terrible at just saying "sure, mother, whatever," and ignoring her. For the year after my dad died and the year after my sister died I generally put up with all of it for her sake and it was just so exhausting all the time.

I love her! And I respect her! And I know she loves me! But it's just... a lot.

Like I said, emotional laziness.

Yeah, I have gone out of my way my entire life to keep my parents in the dark about my dating life for reasons including

- they wouldn't approve of sex outside of marriage

- they would want me to get married and have grandbabies