Ask Amy: My husband had a vasectomy but I got pregnant

[lemonsharks]

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for 20 years. He had a vasectomy after our son was born 19 years ago because he had two older children from a previous marriage.

During our marriage, he has cheated twice, but I always forgave him.


Surprisingly, at the age of 45, I found out I was pregnant, and he accused me of cheating — which I NEVER did.

A DNA test proved he’s the father of our child.

I’m so mad at him for thinking that, and we haven’t spoken in weeks.

He’s apologized profusely, and has asked for forgiveness, but I can’t seem to forgive him.

Help, what should I do?

– Expecting

Dear Expecting: The tension now is actually a vestige of his previous infidelities.

People tend to assuage their guilt by accusing others of their own transgressions.

It’s yet another way to let yourself off the hook.

You could break the silence in your household by telling your husband that you are struggling to forgive him for his extremely unfair assumption about you.

Solicit his help – and challenge him – by asking him to provide you with reasons to forgive him. In addition to asking for forgiveness now, he may need to fold in a sincere apology for his previous transgressions.

Comments

[lemonsharks]

"Surprisingly, at the age of 45, I found out I was pregnant, and he accused me of cheating — which I NEVER did."

... Because he had a vasectomy

[naath]

Cheating is the most common reason a vasectomy 'fails' although not always as you have found, it's not an unreasonable assumption. Also, since this was a real vasectomy failure he should look into having it redone or use other contraception because clearly his sperm is getting out.

[ashbet]

If I had been the husband, I would have seen my doctor to make sure there wasn't live sperm being released in semen before ACCUSING MY WIFE OF CHEATING.

Getting a paternity test is reasonable under the circumstances, but he went straight to the nuclear option.

And he's a cheater, unlike her.

[azurelunatic]

Do you want to forgive him?

[julian]

Dear LW: Therapy's a good option, to work through your anger. Which is copious. (Even if, personally, you're being over the top, but obviously, there's a lot of backed up anger from previous events.)