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agonyaunt2021-10-12 11:45 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-10-12 11:45 am
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Dear Prudence: My family has weaponized giving me presents
Content advisory: transphobia, terrible family.
Unwrapping little boxes of cruelty is getting old.
I’m a transgender guy in my late 20s, and for about five years after my transition, I wasn’t included in holiday celebrations with my large religious family. Recently, my siblings and cousins (who all are great and have grown to support me) have demanded that I be included. I’m grateful for this, but now I find myself in an awkward situation.
The gift exchange is a big tradition where everyone is gathered in a large room. Often older family members will give me very feminine gifts. It’s a bit humiliating to have to sit there and act grateful for gifts that are meant as a jab at my identity. Before transition, I was considered a “tomboy,” and I usually received fairly neutral gifts. The situation becomes extra embarrassing because some of the younger members of the family or new significant others have only ever known me as “Johnny” and so the absurdity of the gifts becomes a bit of a joke.
I’ve tried telling people I don’t need any gifts as well as asking for donations to a local animal shelter instead, but the pink frilly stuff keeps coming. (I donate those gifts to a local transgender support group who pass them on to trans feminine people in need, so they aren’t wasted.) What should I do? I love my family and my presence at these gatherings was a hard-fought victory. I just wish there was a way to participate with my dignity still intact.
— No More “Pretty, Please”
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these really awful people. I can’t tell you not to spend holidays with them anymore—if that felt easy to you, you would have made the choice already. But I just want to be one little voice saying “being around them isn’t a privilege, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way!”
I want you to ask yourself what you would tell a good friend in a similar situation. Say, a Black friend who was adopted into a white family whose older member intentionally gave them T-shirts covered in racist slogans every year. You’d be horrified, right? I just know you would tell that friend not to put up with it. You’d tell them they were worth so much more than that kind of treatment. There is no dignity to be had around people who don’t respect you or care about you—or at least pretend to.
A couple of ideas to make sure you’re not exposed to this cruelty anymore:
1. Rally your siblings and cousins, who seem to be willing to stand up for you. Have them send out a message to the older people in the family that says in no uncertain terms “Giving Johnny feminine gifts isn’t funny. If it happens this Christmas, we are all going to get up and walk out IMMEDIATELY and the holiday will be ruined. Plan accordingly.”
2. Host your own holiday celebration with only the people who have treated you with respect. Make it clear that people who have mocked you with feminine gifts are not invited because of their behavior.
Whatever you do, I hope you go into this holiday season knowing that you are not the problem, that being around bigots is not a reward, and that they are the ones who are lucky that you even give them the time of day.
Unwrapping little boxes of cruelty is getting old.
I’m a transgender guy in my late 20s, and for about five years after my transition, I wasn’t included in holiday celebrations with my large religious family. Recently, my siblings and cousins (who all are great and have grown to support me) have demanded that I be included. I’m grateful for this, but now I find myself in an awkward situation.
The gift exchange is a big tradition where everyone is gathered in a large room. Often older family members will give me very feminine gifts. It’s a bit humiliating to have to sit there and act grateful for gifts that are meant as a jab at my identity. Before transition, I was considered a “tomboy,” and I usually received fairly neutral gifts. The situation becomes extra embarrassing because some of the younger members of the family or new significant others have only ever known me as “Johnny” and so the absurdity of the gifts becomes a bit of a joke.
I’ve tried telling people I don’t need any gifts as well as asking for donations to a local animal shelter instead, but the pink frilly stuff keeps coming. (I donate those gifts to a local transgender support group who pass them on to trans feminine people in need, so they aren’t wasted.) What should I do? I love my family and my presence at these gatherings was a hard-fought victory. I just wish there was a way to participate with my dignity still intact.
— No More “Pretty, Please”
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with these really awful people. I can’t tell you not to spend holidays with them anymore—if that felt easy to you, you would have made the choice already. But I just want to be one little voice saying “being around them isn’t a privilege, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way!”
I want you to ask yourself what you would tell a good friend in a similar situation. Say, a Black friend who was adopted into a white family whose older member intentionally gave them T-shirts covered in racist slogans every year. You’d be horrified, right? I just know you would tell that friend not to put up with it. You’d tell them they were worth so much more than that kind of treatment. There is no dignity to be had around people who don’t respect you or care about you—or at least pretend to.
A couple of ideas to make sure you’re not exposed to this cruelty anymore:
1. Rally your siblings and cousins, who seem to be willing to stand up for you. Have them send out a message to the older people in the family that says in no uncertain terms “Giving Johnny feminine gifts isn’t funny. If it happens this Christmas, we are all going to get up and walk out IMMEDIATELY and the holiday will be ruined. Plan accordingly.”
2. Host your own holiday celebration with only the people who have treated you with respect. Make it clear that people who have mocked you with feminine gifts are not invited because of their behavior.
Whatever you do, I hope you go into this holiday season knowing that you are not the problem, that being around bigots is not a reward, and that they are the ones who are lucky that you even give them the time of day.
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Yeah, LW finds it an achievement to have been allowed back into the all-family celebration and... I kinda think LW needs a new family.