Dear Prudence: My boyfriend still loves his ex

[minoanmiss]

My boyfriend “Josh” (27) is bisexual, and I think he still carries a torch for his ex-boyfriend, “Felix.” My best friend “Kate” (also bi) has suggested my problem with this is biphobia, but I’m definitely not biphobic.

We have been dating for just over a year now, and are thinking about moving in together. He is pretty much the most perfect guy I’ve ever dated, and I am in love. I’ve never fallen quite so hard before, but I could have kids with Josh and spend the rest of my life with him, something we have talked about. But I’m worried he is still in love with his ex. For example, he has one picture of us hanging up on his wall. But he has five photos of him and Felix hanging around the house as well, his very much alive ex-boyfriend. I’ve said it is weird, but Josh argues I have pictures of my friends in my own place as well, such as Kate—which is true. And admittedly, Josh has photos of other friends up as well, though not as many.

In his opinion, he and Felix ended on mutual terms about a year ago, as Felix got a permanent job in his home country, Germany. Not a short-term move, but a forever move. Josh was torn, but decided he couldn’t leave his parents, siblings, and friends. So they broke up, but decided to remain friends, after eight years together.

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They chat on the phone at least once a week (in German, so I can’t even understand them), as friends. I chat with my girlfriends on the phone as well, but never for an hour or two hours like they do. I joke that I thought us girls were meant to be the ones who never get off the phone, , but he just shrugged it off and said they had a lot of catching up to do. Which I don’t think is true, as they spoke for like 50 minutes on the phone last week!

—Biphobic or Not?

Dear Biphobic or Not,

I don’t think you’re being biphobic, but I can’t be 100 percent sure. Who knows what’s going on in the back of your brain and shaping the way you feel. I also don’t know if Josh still has feelings for Felix. He very well might, or he might not.

What I do know is that it absolutely sucks to be in a relationship when you think your partner is in love with someone else. And I don’t believe you can just turn that feeling off or talk yourself out of it. On some level, it reflects that, despite the fact that you call him the most perfect guy you’ve ever dated, you and your boyfriend may not be the best match. Because if you were, one of the signs would be that you felt secure and confident about your connection. The most perfect guy you ever date—if you meet him at the right moment, when you’re ready for a relationship—won’t leave a single doubt in your mind that you’re his first choice. Sadly, I don’t think you’re there with Josh. You love him, so I understand that a breakup would be tough right now, but why don’t you hold off on moving forward and press pause on any plans to move in together? Don’t pick them up again unless and until you feel convinced that you’re the only one for him.

Comments

[cimorene]

I DO agree that most people because of monogamy think long weekly convos with an ex are weird, and I would feel that too, BUT on the other hand if you're talking a long weekly conversation with a platonic friend... I wouldn't really think that was weird? So it's definitely the whole notion of emotional fidelity, special status, privileged closeness etc that's getting in the way. And IDK, for some people it's really important to be the closest person to their partner and for the reverse to be true - for absolute trust, the best confidante, the favorite person, the best friend. It's kind of important to me. But I know for a fact it's not true for everybody out there in monogamous romantic relationships, either.