Pay Dirt: My Husband Has Been Financially Abusive for Years. Now the Tables Are Turning.

[minoanmiss]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14. Since having our three kids (the oldest is going to be 8), I have been a stay-at-home mom. My husband has always been financially abusive. We used to have a shared account, but he would only put money in it if I asked. He would put in the exact amount, and it could only be for certain things like groceries and sometimes clothing for the children.

Two years ago, we were going through some hardships in which my husband not only cheated on me but filed for a divorce, closed the shared account, and cut me off completely—financially and otherwise. During that time (until I finally found a job), I was dependent on my mom and my sister for money. The only thing he continued to pay was the rent, because he would be embarrassed if anyone knew his kids were homeless.
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Fast forward two years, I have decided to try to forgive him (he pulled the papers for the divorce). I have not only found a job, but I have been able to save some money, and I am able to take care of my own bills rather than depend on him exclusively like before. The issue is now he is having some financial difficulties, and I could offer to help him with my savings, but I don’t want to. I am still upset over what he did, I want to keep my money (I worry if he cut me off before, he can do it again), and I don’t want to lend him money because he is of the belief that any money I have is also his because of all the years he provided for us and wouldn’t want to pay it back. If I am genuinely trying to make my marriage work, is it fair for me to withhold this money—as well as the knowledge of this money—from my husband?

—Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Dear Once Bitten, Twice Shy,

Girl, keep your money. You’re trying to make your marriage work, but it’s not going to if you fall into old habits and patterns. What your husband did before was not OK. Period. It was financial abuse, and the fact that he used your children’s wellbeing against their mother is even worse. Your first responsibility is making sure your children are well taken care of, not him. A major part of that includes ensuring your own financial peace of mind, which wasn’t his priority at all.

That being said, it’s a major red flag that you want to save this relationship but don’t trust him. You’re worried he will cut you off again and you’ll be in the same shitty situation before. I’m not going to tell you to leave him, but I am going to suggest that both of you go into marriage counseling immediately. You need to establish a healthy means of communication if you’re going to try to move forward. You also need move past this without feeling like you are punishing each other. Good luck.

Comments

[azurelunatic]

I hope so as well!