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agonyaunt2021-06-11 10:53 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-06-11 10:53 am
Entry tags:
How To Do It: I Catfished My Husband
[but not without reason]
I’ve been with my husband 14 years, married 11 of those. Before we married, I discovered he had female friends and exes that he kept secret from me. He “didn’t know how to openly talk with me,” he said, but he could with these other women. Yes, all these were people he was attracted to, but swore it was platonic. I forgave him and we moved forward.
Over the 11 years, I have again discovered “platonic” female friends that he has found on Craigslist, Zoosk, Fetoo and other dating sites. One woman was a bike-riding friend (at my urging, he began long daily bike rides), and I later learned he told her he was single. She believed they were in a relationship and knew nothing about me. When confronted, his response was that I “was too busy dealing with my child’s mental health crisis to pay attention,” so he went elsewhere for companionship, but nothing was ever going to happen. More recently, I discovered other women who he told he was a widower, called and texted daily, and pushed for hookups within a week of meeting them. Luckily none of them have met up that I can tell.
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So, I catfished him. I created a fake account on one of those sites, and immediately he was sending messages. At first it was basic chit chat that quickly moved to him sending pics, wanting to meet up, etc. He said his wife died a few years ago and he was looking to move on!
I was devastated. He has no clue it was me. He tried many times to arrange a meeting but I always canceled, and those were the times he made up stories at home about having to work, then suddenly the job for the time was canceled. I noticed a pattern that when he was sending sexually explicit messages with details of sex positions, and then those nights we would have sex with me in that manner!
I don’t understand why he feels the need to go elsewhere for companionship and friendship or go on those dating sites. We’ve tried couple’s counseling in the past and that helped for awhile. He’s even went to some local sex addict group meetings, but stopped because he said those stories he heard are way beyond his issue. I don’t know where to go from here. How can I save my marriage? Am I overreacting? Are these just normal tendencies for men?
—Frustrated Wife
Seems like the only thing left to do is shout at him, “All yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka ya ya!” OK, maybe not those words exactly (in case you didn’t catch the reference, your scheme reminds me of a Kate Bush song), but you caught him again and if you haven’t revealed it, you should. It might help the truth sink in.
You are not overreacting. I think your husband has betrayed you repeatedly, systematically even, and that is unacceptable. I think he is exploiting your forgiveness and understanding by continuing his deception. I don’t trust him regarding how his situation compares to the stories he heard in the sex addict group, because I don’t trust him at all! The true measure of severity in compulsion isn’t quantitative, nor is it based on individual acts of transgression—there is no unilateral standard there. It’s whether the behavior disrupts one’s own life. The person your husband is sharing his life with is disrupted, therefore his behavior is disruptive. It’s a huge problem.
Your husband may feel that he is innately nonmonogamous. He may believe that he will not be satisfied unless he experiences other people sexually. In that event, it is up to you to decide whether you’re comfortable with him pursuing that and what limitations and boundaries you’d need for peace of mind if you are to consent to such an arrangement. What he does not need to do is lie, and if he feels that way, he has more issues than he’s letting on. Ethical nonmonogamy is a possible; ethical lying is not.
What I find most depressing about your letter is that you’re asking how to save your marriage when it is he who should be scrambling to do so. You’ve been burdened enough, to the point where I have to wonder why you want to save it at all. You’ve had success with counseling before, so you could try that again. But it sounds to me like you could do better, and I am absolutely certain that you deserve that. Yeah, you could pursue saving your marriage, but it might be more beneficial instead to reclaim your life.
I’ve been with my husband 14 years, married 11 of those. Before we married, I discovered he had female friends and exes that he kept secret from me. He “didn’t know how to openly talk with me,” he said, but he could with these other women. Yes, all these were people he was attracted to, but swore it was platonic. I forgave him and we moved forward.
Over the 11 years, I have again discovered “platonic” female friends that he has found on Craigslist, Zoosk, Fetoo and other dating sites. One woman was a bike-riding friend (at my urging, he began long daily bike rides), and I later learned he told her he was single. She believed they were in a relationship and knew nothing about me. When confronted, his response was that I “was too busy dealing with my child’s mental health crisis to pay attention,” so he went elsewhere for companionship, but nothing was ever going to happen. More recently, I discovered other women who he told he was a widower, called and texted daily, and pushed for hookups within a week of meeting them. Luckily none of them have met up that I can tell.
ADVERTISEMENT
So, I catfished him. I created a fake account on one of those sites, and immediately he was sending messages. At first it was basic chit chat that quickly moved to him sending pics, wanting to meet up, etc. He said his wife died a few years ago and he was looking to move on!
I was devastated. He has no clue it was me. He tried many times to arrange a meeting but I always canceled, and those were the times he made up stories at home about having to work, then suddenly the job for the time was canceled. I noticed a pattern that when he was sending sexually explicit messages with details of sex positions, and then those nights we would have sex with me in that manner!
I don’t understand why he feels the need to go elsewhere for companionship and friendship or go on those dating sites. We’ve tried couple’s counseling in the past and that helped for awhile. He’s even went to some local sex addict group meetings, but stopped because he said those stories he heard are way beyond his issue. I don’t know where to go from here. How can I save my marriage? Am I overreacting? Are these just normal tendencies for men?
—Frustrated Wife
Seems like the only thing left to do is shout at him, “All yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka ya ya!” OK, maybe not those words exactly (in case you didn’t catch the reference, your scheme reminds me of a Kate Bush song), but you caught him again and if you haven’t revealed it, you should. It might help the truth sink in.
You are not overreacting. I think your husband has betrayed you repeatedly, systematically even, and that is unacceptable. I think he is exploiting your forgiveness and understanding by continuing his deception. I don’t trust him regarding how his situation compares to the stories he heard in the sex addict group, because I don’t trust him at all! The true measure of severity in compulsion isn’t quantitative, nor is it based on individual acts of transgression—there is no unilateral standard there. It’s whether the behavior disrupts one’s own life. The person your husband is sharing his life with is disrupted, therefore his behavior is disruptive. It’s a huge problem.
Your husband may feel that he is innately nonmonogamous. He may believe that he will not be satisfied unless he experiences other people sexually. In that event, it is up to you to decide whether you’re comfortable with him pursuing that and what limitations and boundaries you’d need for peace of mind if you are to consent to such an arrangement. What he does not need to do is lie, and if he feels that way, he has more issues than he’s letting on. Ethical nonmonogamy is a possible; ethical lying is not.
What I find most depressing about your letter is that you’re asking how to save your marriage when it is he who should be scrambling to do so. You’ve been burdened enough, to the point where I have to wonder why you want to save it at all. You’ve had success with counseling before, so you could try that again. But it sounds to me like you could do better, and I am absolutely certain that you deserve that. Yeah, you could pursue saving your marriage, but it might be more beneficial instead to reclaim your life.
no subject