Dear Prudie: Two Letters About Siblings

[minoanmiss]

My sister was the driver in a horrific car accident that killed her best friends. The couple left behind “Emily,” a 1-year-old. Emily has grandparents who love her and care for her, but my sister insists she is basically Little Orphan Annie. She spoils Emily outrageously. Emily has been to Europe four times and Disney World a dozen. Her birthdays, hosted by my sister, are scripted events with party planners. Emily can barely add something to her Amazon wish list before my sister buys it for her.

I have four children. My sister sends them $100 on their birthday and for Christmas. She sees them at our parents’ home but hasn’t offered to spend one-on-one time since she babysat for a week while my husband and I went on our second honeymoon. My daughter has asked me why her aunt doesn’t like her as much as Emily. I have tried talking with my sister, and she dismisses me, saying Emily “needs” her. I finally snapped and told her she needs Emily because she feels she killed her parents. The accident wasn’t her fault, and taking Emily to Disney World again isn’t going to bring them back, but she is alienating her actual nieces and nephews. My sister went quiet, then told me to go die and then we can compare Emily’s situation to my children. Until then she was done with my “greed.”

—Sad Sister

Dear Sister,

This is all so heartbreaking. I’m sad for your sister, for Emily, for your daughter, and for you.

If your sister wrote in asking whether she should continue spending every extra dollar and vacation day on Emily, I would tell her no. It does sound like she’s going a little—maybe a lot—over the top. She’s doing much more than a typical aunt or Godparent would, and focusing heavily on material things that are not going to make up for the loss of Emily’s parents. If she really wants to help fill the void left by her friends’ tragic deaths, she should be offering closeness and emotional support, not excessive material things.

But she didn’t ask for my opinion. You did. And although you’re correct that her approach to handling this couple’s tragic death is not totally healthy, and it’s fair to mourn the loss of the attention that you thought would go to your own child, you don’t get to decide how your sister lives her life. Consider that maybe this is what she needs to do to cope right now. Maybe the alternative to this version of your sister is someone who is consumed by guilt, depressed and withdrawn. It sounds like she can afford everything she’s choosing to do, I’m sure Emily doesn’t hate being at Disney World every other week, and the grandparents who didn’t budget money or energy to raise a kid at this point in life are probably grateful.

I’m sorry your sister spoke harshly to you, but when you bring up the most painful thing in a person’s life and attack them for the way they’re coping—a way that, it’s important to note, is not harming anyone—you kind of get what you get in response. If you do want your sister to be in her actual niece’s life more, focus on that—without any comparisons to how she treats Emily. Invite her over, plan family trips, etc. Destroy whatever physical or mental document you’re using to keep tabs on which kid has received the highest dollar value in gifts. Create opportunities for them to bond. And if it doesn’t happen, find some replacement auntie figures. Your sister has demonstrated to you that being a special adult in a kid’s life doesn’t require a biological bond.



I am 20 and was out of the house when my dad remarried two years ago. My sister is 14. My stepsister is 12, and a childish 12 at that (still plays with her dolls and has a tendency toward tantrums). My stepsister hasn’t made a lot of friends after the move, and her mother overcompensates by sticking to the Brady Bunch B.S.: Your sister is your best friend! Meaning my sister can’t step out of the house without our stepsister on her heels. She can’t see her friends without taking our stepsister along or enjoy any personal activities at home without getting bugged to play with dolls again.

I will be working at a ranch this summer. My sister loves horses and can ride like the wind. My boss approved of me inviting her to visit for a month. It is the same month her birthday falls in. My dad approved when I first asked him. Then our stepsister threw a tantrum. She didn’t want to be alone during the summer and my sister “needed” to celebrate her 15th birthday by having a sleepover with her. Then my stepmother got in on the action—it wasn’t “fair” my sister got this trip and not my stepsister. My stepsister is afraid of horses! I am just trying to look after my sister here. I don’t know what to do.

—Troubled in the Heartland

Dear Troubled,

I’m annoyed for your sister and heartbroken for your stepsister, who could possibly be struggling with behavioral and emotional issues that go deeper than immaturity. I’m not a child development expert, and I don’t have kids, but tantrums strike me as more of a 2- to 7-year-old thing than a 12-year-old thing. Maybe raise this privately with your father and see if they’re open to getting outside opinions on whether she needs more support that he and your stepmom can provide.

Beyond sibling dynamics, let’s talk about the touchiest part of this. You don’t seem to really like the 12-year-old, nor do you seem to treat the girls equally. Maybe it’s because of her difficult personality. Maybe it’s because of the “step-” part. (Consider not using that and just calling her your sister. You’ve been around for two years, which is a lifetime to a kid, so you’re a big deal in her world.) Either way, it’s clear that you have a favorite, and it’s not her. But your stepmother—as unreasonable as she may be with her daily Brady Bunch demands—is right to sniff out this unfairness and try to fix it for her child.

I think your way forward here is to find a way to spend time with both of them. Yes, you should insist that the 14-year-old is allowed to come with you to the ranch. She’ll love it. She deserves it. And she really needs the time away from home, where she’s being unfairly burdened by the 12-year-old’s needs. Then you should plan a separate bonding experience with the 12-year-old. Offer a visit later in the summer or over her next holiday break, or something really special for her 16th birthday. If there are limitations around time and money this summer, promise her a month, even if it has to be divided up into several chunks across the year, with you and keep your word. Also, make plans to bond with them one-on-one when you visit. You can’t control what goes on in their home when you’re not there. But offering the older sister some freedom and the younger sister some individual attention could go a long way. Going forward, make sure you’re not playing favorites—or rather, revealing that you have one. Maybe one day you won’t.

Comments

[conuly]

1. Sis is clearly not coping with guilt and loss well at ALL. But the solution isn't to spend more money on LW's daughter, it's probably to spend more time in therapy. LW needs to... I don't know, get her own therapy if she can't let this go.

2. Tantrum is such an ill-defined term. "Tendency to tantrums" can definitely include a lot of behavior that's age-typical for 12 year olds. They're a lot like toddlers, except they're better at arguing and you can't manhandle them anymore. That said, this all sounds like it's been hard on Stepsister, especially if she is out of step with her peers or otherwise has trouble making friends.

But this advice... I mean, there isn't much advice you can really give to LW, because "Your dad and stepmother need to find Stepsister some activities of her own that will hopefully expand her social circle without intruding on Sister's space" is not advice LW can meaningfully take. That doesn't mean that this advice is right or fair or actually does anything to address the problem here. It's perfectly reasonable for a young woman to prefer her sister over the stepsister she only met 2 years ago, and has never lived with. Anybody who'd expect LW to not do this is... I don't know.