Ask a Teacher: I Just Discovered My Husband Lies to His Students

[minoanmiss]

My partner is a middle school teacher known for establishing a rapport with “difficult” students and advocating for BIPOC and LGBTQ kids. When he answered a call from a parent one evening, I overheard him talking about his sister. I confronted him about this after he got off the phone, because he does not actually have a sister. He told me that he tells stories about imaginary siblings, cousins, and other family members to connect with his students. I told him this was bizarre, probably unethical, and that I wouldn’t participate in these lies if asked a direct question by one of his students or fellow teachers. I think the lies put his entire career at risk, but he says they’re harmless and unlikely to be discovered. (He’s not on social media, which helps, but students have looked up our home address online and could easily find information on his relatives.) What’s your take on this? I’m not in education, but I find the whole situation baffling and don’t know what to do.


—Would You Lie to Them, Honey?
Whether or not your partner’s behavior is unethical is an interesting question; I suppose the answer lies in how important the truth is to you. Your letter reminds me of a strategy my friend, who is an attorney, used for many years. He was fond of using this quote from Oliver Wendell Holmes in his closing arguments: “The law is man’s feeble attempt to be fair.” Juries found this aphorism very persuasive, but Oliver Wendell Holmes never actually said it! My friend doesn’t remember where he heard the expression (I think it may be paraphrased from Bonfire of the Vanities)—but assigning it to Holmes lent the message authority, and juries therefore responded to it. Likewise, your partner probably believes his stories about imaginary relatives convey a “truth” that resonates more than an anecdote about a friend, colleague, or hypothetical person could. Is it honest? No. Will it jeopardize his career? I doubt it. If I were a principal, and a student or parent complained that a teacher was sharing stories about fake family members, I’d probably shrug and continue working on the school budget. Maybe I’d have a conversation with the teacher, but I wouldn’t consider it a fireable offense.

That said, his credibility with his students is another story. If his students discover that your partner’s stories are not real, your partner might lose the credibility and trust he’s worked hard to establish. “Difficult” students are often “difficult” because of trauma induced by the adults in their lives, which makes it harder for them to put their faith in teachers. More generally, middle schoolers entering adolescence naturally become increasingly skeptical of adults. Educators admonish kids to be honest, and so students may view your partner’s fibs as evidence of hypocrisy.

I don’t think you have to do anything at all but let your partner decide whether he should continue to tell tales about imaginary sisters. Of course, you are under no obligation to affirm his stories if you do meet a student or colleague who asks about them. They are his fibs, so he alone is responsible for any fallout.

—Ms. Holbrook (high school teacher, Texas)

Comments

[xenacryst]

Yeah. Neither impressed with the teacher, nor the response.

Ok, let's put it this way. If I were a "difficult" student, I'd probably already know all the ins and outs of how to work the system and make life hard for adults. If I were such a student identified with a marginalized group and I found out that my advocate was in the habit of making up stories, I would be livid, disgusted, and betrayed, and I would use all my ill-gained knowledge of the system to make life hell for that person and anyone who supported them. And I would make sure my friends also knew, and then circle the wagons and become even more "difficult." This teacher is playing with matches underneath the kindling of his career, and the resulting bonfire is likely to get several people burned.