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agonyaunt2021-03-19 11:48 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2021-03-19 11:48 am
Entry tags:
Dear Prudence: My Daughter’s Girlfriend Is Going to Prison for Armed Robbery and Murder
With the commentary discussion in the first comment, if I can make it work.
She won’t break up with her.
My younger daughter was quite extraordinary as a child—observant, empathetic, sweet, and kind. Her dad and I tried to raise her as a caring, loving person, and it worked. For a while. During her teen years, she was greatly influenced by close friends who didn’t have good behavior modeled for them at home: swearing, no manners, obnoxious behavior. We are quite liberal, and she normally embraces our values but seemed to turn away on other things. She lost the sunny disposition she once had.
Her senior year she started dating a girl we knew very little about but who seemed to make her very happy, and as she said “made her feel beautiful” (I’m biased, I know, but my daughter is gorgeous). The most I could find out was that her girlfriend had a rough home life, but their teachers praised my daughter for being a good influence on her. Her girlfriend came to school more and did her homework, as urged by my daughter. That made me proud. Then, tragedy. On an evening when she promised to come watch my daughter’s game, she didn’t show. Turns out, she got into a car with a bunch of other friends who were on a mission to steal drugs and money from a home. Armed robbery and murder followed. Within a couple days all of them were arrested. My daughter was devastated but stood by her. I tried to talk to my daughter about them having no future now, as her girlfriend pleaded out and is going to prison. But due to COVID, her sentencing has been delayed, and she’s still at home. In addition to this, I see signs of jealousy, manipulation, and control. How do I help my daughter see this is not a healthy relationship? I’ve never felt so helpless.
-- Worried Sick
Feeling helpless is a very difficult feeling to have to contend with. But the path to something like (relative) serenity begins by acknowledging the people and situations you have no power over. You cannot force your daughter to stop loving her girlfriend, to break up with her, to consider their relationship unhealthy, or to abjure the company of people her own age who may swear, behave obnoxiously, or otherwise act out. The harder you try to exert your will in those areas, the more thwarted you’ll feel and the faster your daughter will pull away. You’ll have limited, circumspect opportunities to share your concerns or ask thoughtful questions, and if you navigate those opportunities with a light hand, you’ll likely get a lot further with your daughter than if you try to push. Offer your daughter support where you can; don’t offer her advice unless she asks you for it; and seek out friends and/or a therapist when you need to vent or cry about your baby girl.
I will also offer caution about dwelling on fond memories of your daughter’s childhood, which can sometimes be a barrier to establishing an honest, emotionally balanced relationship in the present. It seems like you may be longing for a time when you were readily able to keep your daughter safe and close, but for her that would mean longing for a time before she was able to make her own decisions, fall in love, or cultivate her own values. Trying to appeal to your daughter by reminding her what a great kid she used to be will likely make her feel as if you’re questioning where she went wrong or are unwilling to see her as an adult, so I’d save those remembrances for another time. All your feelings here are perfectly understandable, but you can’t process them with your daughter, who is striking out on her own as an adult.
She won’t break up with her.
My younger daughter was quite extraordinary as a child—observant, empathetic, sweet, and kind. Her dad and I tried to raise her as a caring, loving person, and it worked. For a while. During her teen years, she was greatly influenced by close friends who didn’t have good behavior modeled for them at home: swearing, no manners, obnoxious behavior. We are quite liberal, and she normally embraces our values but seemed to turn away on other things. She lost the sunny disposition she once had.
Her senior year she started dating a girl we knew very little about but who seemed to make her very happy, and as she said “made her feel beautiful” (I’m biased, I know, but my daughter is gorgeous). The most I could find out was that her girlfriend had a rough home life, but their teachers praised my daughter for being a good influence on her. Her girlfriend came to school more and did her homework, as urged by my daughter. That made me proud. Then, tragedy. On an evening when she promised to come watch my daughter’s game, she didn’t show. Turns out, she got into a car with a bunch of other friends who were on a mission to steal drugs and money from a home. Armed robbery and murder followed. Within a couple days all of them were arrested. My daughter was devastated but stood by her. I tried to talk to my daughter about them having no future now, as her girlfriend pleaded out and is going to prison. But due to COVID, her sentencing has been delayed, and she’s still at home. In addition to this, I see signs of jealousy, manipulation, and control. How do I help my daughter see this is not a healthy relationship? I’ve never felt so helpless.
-- Worried Sick
Feeling helpless is a very difficult feeling to have to contend with. But the path to something like (relative) serenity begins by acknowledging the people and situations you have no power over. You cannot force your daughter to stop loving her girlfriend, to break up with her, to consider their relationship unhealthy, or to abjure the company of people her own age who may swear, behave obnoxiously, or otherwise act out. The harder you try to exert your will in those areas, the more thwarted you’ll feel and the faster your daughter will pull away. You’ll have limited, circumspect opportunities to share your concerns or ask thoughtful questions, and if you navigate those opportunities with a light hand, you’ll likely get a lot further with your daughter than if you try to push. Offer your daughter support where you can; don’t offer her advice unless she asks you for it; and seek out friends and/or a therapist when you need to vent or cry about your baby girl.
I will also offer caution about dwelling on fond memories of your daughter’s childhood, which can sometimes be a barrier to establishing an honest, emotionally balanced relationship in the present. It seems like you may be longing for a time when you were readily able to keep your daughter safe and close, but for her that would mean longing for a time before she was able to make her own decisions, fall in love, or cultivate her own values. Trying to appeal to your daughter by reminding her what a great kid she used to be will likely make her feel as if you’re questioning where she went wrong or are unwilling to see her as an adult, so I’d save those remembrances for another time. All your feelings here are perfectly understandable, but you can’t process them with your daughter, who is striking out on her own as an adult.
no subject
It's been a few years now, and I'm still around and the girlfriend is a thing of the past, so.
Honestly, if either of my kids had a romantic partner who had just plead guilty in a criminal case involving physical violence, I would be having some serious discussion with the kid about whether this was really a kind of trouble they want in their life. Sometimes we have to turn away from someone we care about to protect our own health and safety.
But if the girlfriend is going to prison here in the next while...I'd also just wait it out, as much as possible (though I would be unlikely to welcome the girlfriend in my home). This is a problem that is likely to resolve itself in the next couple of years.
no subject
This. With a side of, "You did not sign up for this when you started dating your GF. So now you get to reassess/you are allowed to change your mind/you do not have to 'stand by your wo/man' to be a good person."
no subject