Dear Care & Feeding: My ex slept with the mother of my kid's best friend

[minoanmiss]

(That's the setup to the real issue. I'm not good at summarizing these.)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a 6-year-old daughter “Ally” with my ex. We broke up because he was sleeping with “Dee.” Her daughter is the best friend of ours. Dee had been struggling since her husband left, and I was a naive fool and thought my ex was actually helping her with household repairs instead of banging her. I am trying to be strong for my daughter. She is struggling with why Daddy left and why she doesn’t see her friend anymore. I don’t know what to tell her other than “Mommy and Daddy love you but can’t live together anymore.”

I have explained that Dee and her daughter are just “busy.” We ran into Dee and her daughter in the park. Ally was excited and asked when she could come over. Dee said they would love to have her over, but it “depends on your mama.” She looked me in the eye and smiled. If my daughter hadn’t been there, I would have thrown my iced coffee in her face. I made some excuses, but since then Ally has been asking about going to see her friend. I don’t know how to handle this. I am trying just to get through the day without breaking down. Help me.

—Do I Need to Get Over This?

Dear DINtGOT,

I would have waited until my kid was out of earshot and thoroughly kicked Dee’s ass, so I think you handled yourself quite well indeed. Listen to some Loretta Lynn songs (the expert on lovin’ some utter loser of a man but not wanting another woman to steal him) and make a nice drink while we continue troubleshooting this.


You need to call your ain’t-shit ex. I’m very sorry. I want you to ask him if he is serious about Dee. Is Dee moving in? Does he see this as a serious relationship? Or, having stripped her drywall, is he off to the next damsel in distress?

This is important because you proceed very differently based on whether Dee is going to continue to be in her dad’s life. If Dee is here to stay, you’re going to have to see her and practice a very bland face and coordinate play dates (ideally not in your home) and say absolutely nothing that isn’t incredibly necessary, like “Your child is about to fall into a nest of vipers, Dee.”

If you instead get the read that Dee is already on her way out, I think it’s OK to prioritize your emotional health in the wake of a personal tragedy over a 6-year-old’s friendship (but, of course, this 6-year-old has just gone through her parents’ separation, and it’s very hard for everyone). I asked for my husband’s read on this one, and he said a mature 6-year-old could handle “Dee did something that hurt Mommy very badly, so we can’t play together anymore,” but I was worried that your daughter would waltz into school and disseminate this information. I think you can start with “They’re very busy” and also, get more busy yourselves. Find a new park, make some new little friends, and I wish you the very best of luck.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

It takes a lot for me to approve of adults breaking up a child's friendship for their own convenience, but I think this might be it. With that trick in the park Dee went from a person who made a huge mistake to an active malefactor (who USES a child as a tool like that?!), and I think there's an argument to be made that she's a bad person for LW's daughter Abby to be around.

Also, I have no words for the man who caused all this trouble. None printable anyway. I am not exactly an unconflicted fan of monogamy, but if one agreed to it, one agreed to it.

[heavenscalyx]

Also, I have no words for the man who caused all this trouble. None printable anyway. I am not exactly an unconflicted fan of monogamy, but if one agreed to it, one agreed to it.

Yes, likewise. This man is just a waste of flesh.

[conuly]

I am not exactly an unconflicted fan of monogamy, but if one agreed to it, one agreed to it.

Agreed.

And this really sucks for both the kids, because it's not either of their faults - but they're six. Kids that age break up friendships all the time.

[ex_flameandsong751]

I agree so much with this. Especially this:

I am not exactly an unconflicted fan of monogamy, but if one agreed to it, one agreed to it.

Yup. Another in the "I don't like monogamy" camp, but if people agreed on it, then that's a thing.

[green_grrl]

I am not exactly an unconflicted fan of monogamy, but if one agreed to it, one agreed to it.

Right. Monogamous or non-monogamous, the key to a healthy relationship is being honest with yourself and your primary partner. This guy wasn’t.

[rosefox]

I think a six-year-old could probably deal with "Dee and I are having a hard time being friends right now, so I don't want to spend time with her. I'm afraid that means no playdates with her daughter, and that really sucks and I'm sorry". If there's joint custody—which presumably there is if this is a simple case of infidelity and the husband wasn't also harming or neglecting the child—then the LW can also say "You can see Dee's daughter when you're at your dad's house".

Making new friends sounds ideal. I feel really bad for this kid, especially if she grows up and realizes that the reason she and her best friend get to be stepsisters is that her stepmother is the reason her parents broke up.

[malkingrey]

All of my sympathy in this one is for those two kids, who are on track for learning the hard truth that when you're a kid, your own plans and preferences don't actually count for anything.

[lannamichaels]

Yeah. "Congrats, you don't get to have a friend anymore because of something her mom did." Would it be so hard to send your kid over to Dee's house? It's not like LW thinks Dee is going to harm the kid.

[minoanmiss]

Well, there's harm and then there's harm. If I were the LW, after that dig in the park I'd have a hard time letting Dee have unsupervised time with Ally because I'd wonder if Dee would tell Ally "your Daddy likes me better than your Mommy," "I'm going to become your Mommy soon," and other such manipulative statements.

[ex_flameandsong751]

^This is also what I'd be afraid of if I was LW. It sounds like Dee is not above making those sorts of comments to Ally, and a kid really doesn't need that kind of drama.

[sara]

...she's already harmed the kid. She broke up the kid's parents' marriage.

[malkingrey]

I think the husband may have had some agency in that . . . you can't "steal" a spouse who doesn't want to be stolen.

Also, "it depends on your mama” doesn't strike me as an unreasonable reply under the circumstances, and we have only the LW's assessment of the accompanying smile to go on.

I'm not sure I sympathize very much with any of these people, except -- as I said -- the kids.

[sara]

Oh, he sure did. But as a divorced woman? I don't go around schtupping my friends' spouses.

I sympathize with the letter writer, but then I'd be dealing with this by not speaking to any of the adults in question except as necessary to address custodial issues.

[minoanmiss]

The reason "it depends on your mama" was such a terrible thing to say is 1) it tells Ally "your mother is the only person keeping you and your best friend apart" and it prompts Ally to ask twenty million questions (seriously, no professional interrogator is as inquisitive as a child who smells a secret) about a situation Dee knows the LW finds painful. I mean, should the LW really explain to a six year old "your father had sex with Dee which is why I am not married to him anymore and I don't want to be around Dee"? But that's what Dee has set the LW up for, by weaponizing Ally's curiosity and desire to see her friend. .

Saying that Dee hurt Ally by breaking up her parents is not meant to deny LW's ex-husband's agency, but to point out that Dee also had a choice to have sex with a married man and impact his marriage, or to not do so. (I can't believe I have to defend monogamny, of all people laughs at myself) So I also feel bad for LW, whose expectation of marriage was betrayed by her ex with Dee's willing participation. I think she is in a difficult position at best. Dee and Lw's ex could've kept it in their pants.

[minoanmiss]

Word. AND she's proven to be manipulative (and unrepentant). I don't think Dee is a person I want a kid around!

[shirou]

I would try to bite the bullet and let the kids continue being friends, but I’m also feeling despondent over my own kids’ pandemic-induced loss of socialization, and I can’t swear my answer would have been the same a year ago.

[minoanmiss]

That makes sense.