Dear Prudence: I gave my husband's cousin money I shouldn't've

[minoanmiss]

Dear Prudence,

received an unexpected Facebook message from my husband’s cousin asking for money. I see him once or twice a year and we’ve always had pleasant exchanges. He’s definitely made some poor decisions, but it all seemed like typical young-guy stuff. After talking with him, it really seemed like he was trying to get his life together, and I sent him some money. My husband was very angry when he found out and called his family. Come to find out, this guy stole a valuable family heirloom from his father in an attempt to pawn it and was kicked out of the house after his parents filed charges. He’s been spending all his money on drugs since then. Apparently he’s also been making threats to family members who are refusing to give him money. Prudie, I feel terrible for sending him money that he’s almost certainly going to blow on drugs, but I had no idea any of this was going on. But what I really feel bad about is that his parents, who are going through so much right now, are insisting on paying us back. I know they don’t have the money to do so, and I never expected to be paid back anyway, but they are insisting. They’re also mad at me for not coming to them first. The thought of going home for the holidays this year is upsetting to me, and I’m trying to convince my husband that it’s a good idea for me to stay with my family this year and let him visit his family alone. He doesn’t like this idea and thinks I need to get over it and “learn my lesson.” What do you think?


—Payback

While your husband shouldn’t be framing a holiday visit as a way to ensure you “learn your lesson,” I do think you could have handled this situation differently. Even without knowing the entire story, once you were approached by a member of your husband’s family you barely know with a request for money, the wiser action would have been to speak to your husband about it before writing a check. There was no reason for secrecy on your part—unless you had some idea of what your husband’s response would be—and your husband’s anger is understandable. You shouldn’t feel guilty for trusting your husband’s cousin, who misrepresented himself to you, but you should apologize to your husband for not talking to him about the message until after you’d sent the money. Then the two of you should handle the fallout from this situation as a team.

Your husband knows his family better than you do, so ask for his input in dealing with his cousin’s parents. Is repaying their son’s debts a matter of honor to them? Could you talk them into repaying you slowly so that they aren’t put in a precarious financial situation? Could your husband talk them out of repayment entirely, or would that insult them? They’re in a difficult place right now—ashamed of their son’s behavior, feeling indebted to an in-law they don’t know well. I don’t think avoidance is the right tack to take here (avoidance didn’t work out well for you the last time you tried it). Be honest, and apologetic, and open, and once you get through the initial discomfort, I think you’ll find your relationship with your husband and his family the stronger for it.

Comments

[shirou]

LW didn't know what was going on, but I do find it odd she didn't think to ask before sending money. More than odd—completely bizarre. I don't share your first concern at all. I couldn't even name all my wife's cousins, much less whatever problems they might be having, but if one of them contacted me asking for money, I would tell my wife immediately.

LW gave out (presumably shared) money and interfered with her husband's family without his knowledge or consent. I'm not surprised he was mad. I also assume, from the difficulty his cousin's parents will have repaying, that we are talking about more than the cost of a dinner. I find his initial anger justified.

However, I share your concern that, although he has told LW to get over it, he himself does not appear to have forgiven her and moved on. Bizarre as LW's behavior was, it was an honest mistake. The persistent anger is uncalled for.

[ex_flameandsong751]

That's fair, I can see how it might be prudent to ask before sending money (especially when we don't know how much LW sent, and that LW's parents-in-law want to pay LW back and this is said to be a hardship, that implies it was probably a non-trivial sum of money), and not every family has the same level of closeness re: issues going on in the family and who knows what.

Yeah, the persistent anger from LW's husband bothers me.

[jamoche]

Also “hi I’m a relative you don’t talk to often, please wire me money” is a scam that’s older than the Internet, but much easier when the scammer can see your Facebook.

[sara]

Yeah, I'd find it very strange to be approached by a partner's cousin and I can see why the husband was angry that she didn't mention it. But the money is gone now, so there's no point worrying about any of it; he'd be best off letting it go. I'd be more concerned about having now drawn the attention of Cousin Addict than anything else, especially if he's at the stealing and threats stage.

And the simple way to deal with his parents wanting to repay her is to not deposit the check. It's very hard to give money to someone who sincerely won't take the money, as I know from experience.

[torachan]

The husband got mad immediately, which seems to indicate he knew there was a problem with this cousin, and didn't think to tell his wife about it. Meanwhile there is no indication that the wife was keeping secrets from her husband. It seems like she sent the money and then mentioned to her husband that she sent it. So the whole family ganging up on her in punishment just seems really awful, and her husband is the worst, talking about learning her lesson like she's a child and has done something wrong.

[shirou]

You’re probably right LW’s husband didn’t think to mention his cousin’s problems to his wife. Many couples adopt an approach of “I’ll handle my family, you handle yours,” and give one another the readers digest version. That is not the same as keeping a secret.

I agree everyone ganging up and talking about LW needing to learn her lesson is awful. LW’s choices perplex me, and I find her husband’s initial anger (and shock) understandable, but by staying mad, the family is treating her abysmally.