Security Camera Captures Angry Man's Hourlong Rant

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my husband and I had what I thought was a minor conflict, from which I walked away to avoid escalation. I could hear him continuing to rant, so I pulled up the security camera on my phone and watched and listened as he continued to say horrible things for an hour or more. He called me a disgusting blob, said there is nothing appealing about me, and I should go out in the yard and kill myself just like my father did.

The words were so painful that I began to sob uncontrollably and screamed in anguish. He never came to console me. In fact, he told me to shut up. I'm not a crier, typically, so his blatant disregard for the effect his words had on me raises another level of concern.

We have since discussed the event, and his first defense was to say he didn't know I could hear him. Meanwhile, I have to live with the fact that I'm married to a man who has such a low opinion of me that he thinks I should kill myself.

I have no family, and I'm hesitant to upend a life that is finally stable after a chaotic childhood and early adulthood. My husband isn't typically abusive, but this incident has me questioning everything. We have been together for 22 years and married for nearly 16 with no children. What are your thoughts? -- THROWN INTO TURMOIL

DEAR THROWN: My first thought is that you and your husband need to find a healthier way to deal with your conflicts than your walking out on him, and him saying nasty things into a camera knowing full well he might be heard. If your definition of stability is tolerating further verbal abuse, then you are -- and will be -- paying a high price for it.

I sincerely hope the two of you will try to iron out your differences with the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist. After all the years you have invested in each other, it's worth a shot.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2363170

Comments

[conuly]

JFC, Abby, what the hell.

[ashbet]

THIS IS VERBAL ABUSE. Do not go to marriage counseling with an abuser!

“Better than my traumatic childhood” is SUCH a low bar to set :/

[conuly]

THIS IS VERBAL ABUSE. Do not go to marriage counseling with an abuser!

Seriously, why do these advice columnists keep suggesting people do that? THEY NEED TO STOP.

[cereta]

Seriously. It's hard enough being around someone in that state of rage when they're not angry specifically with you. For a partner to say those things (things I don't doubt they would have said if the LW had stayed in the room) is absolutely abusive.

[minoanmiss]

Good fucking God, Abby.

"Thank you for writing me about the steel rod your husband shoved through your head. You two should definitely begin couple's therapy; with hope, he will learn not to shove any more pieces of sharp metal through your head."

[feldman]

1. Sunk costs fallacy; get out now, there's no way this dynamic is worth saving.
2. Contempt is toxic for any relationship, and all the people in it, and around it.
3. Throw the whole man out.

[shirou]

How does Abby stay in syndication?

[cereta]

1. She's Dear Abby, a titan in the advice community.

2. While Jean Phillips did not start Dear Abby, she's the daughter of the most iconic Abby.

3. As a culture, we valorize making a tough relationship work. Divorce may not be the stigma it once was, but any kind of serious break from a "loved" one is still often seen as giving up. Which is stupid, but will take a lot of work to undo.

[xenacryst]

find a healthier way to deal with your conflicts than your walking out on him

I suppose "healthier" in this case includes "physical harm"? That sounds real healthy.

In conclusion, fuck you Abby, and the entire syndication you rode in on. Fuck you very much.

[green_grrl]

Right? What on earth could be gained from staying in the same room with some who ranted for an hour then told her to shut up?

If this truly is a change, I might possibly have him go to the doctor to get checked for a brain tumor. But having to stick around expecting him to rationally “deal with conflicts”? That is obviously not happening, and she shouldn’t have to sacrifice her emotional, and possibly physical, safety.

[watersword]

This is the kind of advice that gets people killed.

[lemonsharks]

My advice would be:

Throw his ass out of the house immediately. His being homeless in the wake of being abusive and terrible is his problem, not LW's.

[jadelennox]

At this point, the metadata I want all advice columnists to provide on letters is "was this letter posted before or after quarantine". And anybody giving advice on a letter like this that does not take into account that people are trapped with each other -- which both means that minor things are going to blow up and people don't have privacy to deal with them, but also means that dangerous situations are way more dangerous than they would be otherwise -- is basically derelict in whatever duty of care they should be practicing as advice givers.

[laurajv]

This is, interestingly, a case where I seem to differ from almost everything. I suspect that this is because I am, personally, a ranter.

I've had many arguments over the course of my (23-year) relationship where one of us huffed off in a huff, and many where I spent the next several minutes (or more) ranting to myself about my partner. TO MYSELF. I say things I would NEVER say to him, and which don't reflect underlying feelings at all, and which aren't even true -- they are (for example) the most unfair possible interpretation of events to him, or vicious name-calling. Maybe it's not the best way to off-vent anger! I'm pretty sure it's not! But it's one I know for sure I'm not alone in using.

It's not clear from the letter if the husband is telling the truth when he says he didn't know she was watching -- given that she was watching a security feed on her phone in order to hear what he was saying, I'm inclined to believe that's true. For all she knows, he's been doing this for years, and it's his way of calming himself down and allowing himself to reassess the situation.

So what I want to know is: why is this framed as him being a terrible, abusive person and not as her invading someone's privacy to find out something that they were purposefully not doing to her face to avoid hurting her?

[watersword]

I think there are a few important distinctions here. Your "several minutes" is not the "hour or more" of invective in the letter. If your "vicious name-calling" includes suggesting, even to the empty air, that your partner should "kill [themself] just like [their] father did", then frankly you have a huge problem and I would urge you to consider how you handle anger. If your partner heard you saying these things, would your response be to tell your partner to "shut up" or would it be to apologize for hurting them inadvertently?

[laurajv]

It's not clear to me from the letter that he was aware of what she was hearing, just that she was crying loudly.

[lemonsharks]

How LW learned about her husband's behavior is irrelevant in the face of *his behavior*.

He was throwing his tantrum in the same house as the LW, which must be assumed to be within her earshot.

I'm the child of a ranter, and it was 100% abusive to the other people in the house even when he was "just talking to himself".

Because he was in our home. Ranting about all the ways my mom and I were terrible. And we *knew* he was in our home ranting about all the ways we were terrible.

I'm glad for your partner's sake that they've never once in 23 years overhead you in rant state, and if you two have an understanding that works for you then that's super, but I will never trust anyone with this kind of coping mechanism.

I will always advise the people in my life to treat them like they would a hot pan out if the oven: with the utmost caution and with the knowledge that this coping mechanism, by it's very nature, *will* hurt them if they come in direct contact with it.

[laurajv]

I absolutely agree that ranting to oneself is abusive when it's not really to oneself! Some people who rant like this absolutely do it intentionally within earshot of their victims, in order to frighten them. Other people who do it are careful about keeping it away from people they care about, because it is absolutely not intended for consumption by other humans.

Given that after 16 years this is something new she just learned her spouse does, EITHER it is ACTUALLY brand-new behavior (and therefore extremely concerning) or it's something he's always done (to which she was unfortunately exposed). The things she should do in response are pretty different depending on which it was, imho.

[lemonsharks]

If it's something that's been going on for sixteen years I'd argue that it's as disturbing as a brand new eruption is concerning and give the same advice - run away, run away, run away.

The most charitable interpretation of this coping mechanism I have is that it's massively unhealthy with a huge risk of hurting others and needs to be driven to extinction.

[minoanmiss]

People say what they really mean when they're angry.

But regardless of that, his reaction when he found out she'd heard was not your "I don't actually mean it," but to tell her to 'shut up' and evidently not care at all about how upset she was. If your partner overheard you would your first response to be to defend your privacy, or to respond to their distress?

(Although, frankly, people say what they really mean when they're angry.)

[laurajv]

I mean, lots of people do not say what they really mean when they are angry. People who are really angry have compromised decision-making and say things they do NOT mean, very frequently. That doesn't mean it's ok to say whatever you feel like saying when you're angry, and I'm not arguing that it does, but I don't think that because someone was angry when they said something, that it's a good reason to assume it's what they really think.

[tielan]

Dear LW,

1. Be extremely grateful you have no children. EXTREMELY.

2. Someone who rants for an hour about something that you consider a minor conflict after you've walked away from the conflict is not on any footing even approaching emotional stability.

3. Your life now is not stable. It just seemed that way.

In short: GET OUT.

[ayebydan]

Throw that whole man in the bin, darling.